Planet Of The Apes?

SCIENTISTS have been warned that their latest experiments may accidently produce monkeys with brains more human than animal.

In cutting-edge experiments, scientists have injected human brain cells into monkey fetuses to study the effects.
Critics argue that if these fetuses are allowed to develop into self-aware subjects, science will be thrown into an ethical nightmare.

An eminent committee of American scientists will call for restrictions into the research, saying the outcome of such studies cannot be predicted and may in fact produce subjects with a ‘super-animal’ intelligence.

The high-powered committee of animal behaviourists, lawyers, philosophers, bio-ethicists and neuro-scientists was established four years ago to examine the growing numbers of human/monkey experiments.

These procedures, known as ‘human-primate chimeras’, involve the combination of human and monkey cells, tissue and DNA to observe any effect and examine the possibility that such combination could actually exist.

Chimeras are mythical monsters from Greek literature, which combined various bodyparts from lions, goats and snakes.,10117,15891104-13762,00.html#1

Chimeras? Holy Full Metal Alchemist, Batman.

Is this for real or is someone sourcing another Onion story incorrectly?

I, for one, welcome our new monkey overlords.

Chimeras were real. Unfortunately, when the Library of Alexandria burned down we lost the techniques used to create them.

Greek is actually an acronym which stands for Genetic Research and Ethical Engineering 'Kay? Amazingly, it means the same thing in English.

Paging Dr. Moreau. Paging Dr. Moreau.

This project has been in place for years, indeed, their greatest experiment, Number 3729A, went on to become the 43rd President of the United States, a fantastic success in human-monkey engineering.

But a dismal failure as Monkey Overlord.

Behold! A chimp with four asses!

Uh, what on earth are they looking for with this research? What possible criteria to measure self awareness are they looking for? What the fuck would they do with it if they could find it?

I know it’s not a serious question, but “chimera” started to climb out of the Monster Manual and back into everyday English in 2002, when a bunch of nutters in white coats implanted human stem cells into mouse embryos.

But forget chimeras. Bring on the black puddings and gelatinous cubes! The LARP community really needs to get behind this research.

Demon Lord Jubilex was always my favorite slimy in the monster manual. He was like a really tall stack of slime pancakes, with lots of eyes. But you ask for that at IHOP and they kick you out.

When I was in New York City this spring, I saw a piece in a Chelsea gallery that I swear was a direct ripoff of the D&D Monster Manual’s Gibbering Mouther. It was this big, amorphous plastic mass with a bunch of small, live televisions embedded in it, each showing looping footage of eyes blinking and looking around, or mouths opening and closing. The thing is, the overall shape of the thing was exactly the same as the illustration in the original Monster Manual. It can’t have been a coincidence. Some former D&D-playing artist is laughing his ass off because he knows that nobody who buys that piece is going to get the reference.

Go Erol Otus!

You know what would be great? If the NYC chapter of the SCA stormed that Chelsea gallery and took that 4d8+24 mothermouther to the cleaner’s. Bonus XP if they do it during an opening.

That’s hot.