QT3's cute/funny kid stories

(…that are interesting)

I know I’m not the only QT3 parent of an awesome kid so I thought we needed a thread for cute or funny kid stories. Here’s mine from tonight.

I’m taking my 10 year-old son to Tae Kwon Do tonight and we got on the subject of mirrors. I was explaining to him that when you raise your right hand and you’re facing a mirror, the “person in the mirror” is raising their left hand.

His response was “Whoa. Parallel universe!”

He’s gonna need that Tae Kwon Do to wrestle off the bullies.

I kid, I kid! Smart son you have there. And cute.

Well, I don’t know how interesting this is, but it is one of my favorite stories.

My oldest son is four and I was helping him with his shower a few months back. He got out of the shower and I helped him towel off. He walked into his room with just his towel wrapped around him. As I took the towel off so he could get in his clothes he was casually hanging on to his male member with one hand.

I just casually asked “Dude, what are you doing?” to which he replied, completely serious, “Don’t worry Dad, I’m just grabbing my funny-bone!”

I couldn’t help busting up laughing.

Kilgore Trout had an interesting take on this.

This morning I said something to my wife about Michelle Duggar.

My five year old daughter said “Who is Michelle Duggar?”

I said “She’s a woman on TV that has 18 kids.”

My daughter said “WHAT THE HECK!?”

When my son was 7 years old I walked into the living room to find him staring transfixed at the baywatch episode on the TV. The girl was running down the beach in slow motion, waves crashing on the beach, breasts straining against her bright red swimsuit.

“Hey buddy, what are you watching?” I ask.

He answers without moving, as if under heavy hypnosis.

“I don’t know, but I can’t look away.”

Thats the moment I knew he was straight.

Hopefully teenagers count.

So my teen, me, and his dad were in the family room. My kid has the TV blasting, and so me and his dad couldn’t hear ourselves talk. So I shout “Turn the TV down!!” He’s like “What!!!” “TURN THE GODDAMN TV DOWN!!!” “Oh”

So my teen, me, and his dad were in the family room. My kid has the TV blasting, and so me and his dad couldn’t hear ourselves talk. So I shout “Turn the TV down!!” He’s like “What!!!” “TURN THE GODDAMN TV DOWN!!!” “Oh”

So you yelled at your kid for having the TV up too loud? Am I missing the cute in this story? :)

Teens are notorious for both loud music and for not realizing how loud the sound actually is.

Either that or you had to have been there :)

I don’t have kids but I do have friends with kids and have a cute story.

So I had a party and knew little kids were coming (I’m not good with ages, but maybe 2 year olds? when do they toddle?) so I bought these little pumpkin flashlights for them. You press the button and they light up a pumpkin on top. So I have one for each kid, in different colors.

Well, the first kid who gets there is a little boy. Randomly I give him the green one. Another little girl arrives and randomly I just give her the red one. We’re all hanging out and they are playing and then someone notices that the little girl has both of them, stomping and toddling around. The little boy is sitting in his mother’s lap and doesn’t seem to notice, so I guess she didn’t take it or anything, he just left it somewhere. So she comes over with both of them, wobbly teetering like a little drunken airport runway guide. He sees she has them and reaches his hand out. She cutely holds out the red one to him . . . and he puts his hand back and POUTS the cutest little pout. It was so funny, he wanted the one he was originally given. Ownership must be ingrained in us. She finally gives him the green one and then he’s happy. Too cute!

So I’m out in the cul-de-sac with my oldest when he was maybe a little less than 2, just playing outside. A little boy from a few houses down, who was maybe 5, comes out and asks if he could play with us. I say sure, and of course my kid, like most little ones, loves playing with someone a little older. The neighbor kid runs home and brings some toy trucks out, and my boy goes nuts over them, pushing them this way and that, making truck noises, and crashing them into each other.

I say to the neighbor, “That was very nice of you to bring those trucks over to share. I think that trucks are his favorite thing in the whole world.”

The kid looks and me and says, “Yeah, they’re my second favorite thing.”

“Oh really, what’s your favorite thing?” I ask innocently.

He turns his smiling little face and answers without missing a beat, “Violence.”

Something is wrong, as that didn’t quite hit on my cute sensors.

For some reason, most of my kid stories center around bodily noises, but they amuse me. When my oldest Daughter was one and a half, she was scared so we put her between us in bed. She was sound asleep in her little fuzzy fleece footy pajamas, curly hair in her face, absolute picture of a happy kid. Well, I felt something shift in my lower bowel region, and I couldn’t hold back any more… FRRRRRPTTTHTHTHTPTPTTTTTPPPTPTPTPTPTTTTTTTTT

She sits bolt upright in bed, eyes closed, with a massive Cheshire cat grin on her face, and lets out the most loud cackle we had heard her make in her 1.5 years of existence. Then, as if nothing happened, she lays back down and immediately passes back out. Odd stuff.

Oooh, just remembered this one, I call it: “My fuckin’ tickets!!!”.

So, same child as in the above stories, except she was about a year old give or take a month, at the time. Keep in mind, we watch our mouths around her because she will repeat ANYTHING, but she had been watched by a friend recently that doesn’t have kids, so we suspect that’s where the following came from. She woke up from her nap, and came stumbling into our room, stops by my side of the bed and says “I want my fuckin’ tickets!”. The we looked at each other and asked her to repeat what she said because it seemed impossible to have come from a 1 year old. “My fuckin’ tickets, i want my fuckin’ tickets!”

I carried her back to bed and once again, she passed right out. I suppose she’s a sleepwalker.

I don’t have kids but have cared for almost a dozen over the last several years. I have a journal full of kid quotes and stories.

Here’s one of my favorite kid conversations. C was three at the time and G and A are boy/girl twins and were infants when this happened. After witnessing many diaper changes, C started asking about their parts.

C: G has a penith!
Me: Yep. What does A have?
C.: A PENITH!
Me: No, she has something else. Do you remember what it’s called?
C: DISNEYLAND!

…and here’s one with one of the older kids. I think O was 5 at the time.

O: Why do men have hair and women don’t?
Me: Men and women have these things in their bodies called hormones. The hormone men have makes them grow hair all over their bodies and the hormone women have makes other things change or grow, like breasts.
O: So we all have hormones?
Me: Yes, we do.
O: …and they make stuff happen when we get old?
Me: Yep.
O: Wait. so we BOTH grow THINGS because of HORMONES? DOES THAT MEAN THAT MEN GROW LITTLE BOOBS ALL OVER THEIR BODIES??? IS THAT WHAT HAIR IS???

O. also told me around the same time that the only way to Gary’s heart is with seven cupcakes with sprinkles and Jedi mind tricks.

I love when kids pick up dirty words. O, the kid from my previous stories, threw a huge raging toddler fit when he was about 2. He did.not.want.to.nap. After realizing there was no way he was getting out of a nap that day, he laid down to sulk. A minute or two into sulking, he stood up in the bed, pointed at me, and started screaming “FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU AND YOUR FUCKING PENGUIN!” Then he collapsed in tears and almost immediately went to sleep.

Kids are weird.

Hehehehe, gotta love it. My oldest is 8 now, and she still tries to sneak stuff past me. Her all time favorite is damnit. It’s not the word itself that cracks me up, it’s how she says it to try and throw me off. phonetically is’t kind of like “Awww deeaaaaammmmmetttttttt!”. Oooh, my 4 year old ir really articulate, and can do a decent Scottish accent. I was talking on the phone, and I started the “If it’s not Scottish…” and I hear her in the background say “EEEETS CRAPPPPP!!!”. Love my kids. :)

What kind of cupcakes?

Troy

My 4 year old son is probably in danger of getting himself killed by his mother because he picks up way too many bad habits and attitudes from me.

The other day my wife was turning on the TV for him and the DVR was flaking out so she couldn’t get his recorded program to play. He waits for a patient for a few seconds and then politely asks her, “What’s wrong Mommy, are you not smart enough?”