What have we aged into? We’re still capable of action, change and 10K races. But there’s a new immediacy to the 40s — and an awareness of death — that didn’t exist before. Our possibilities feel more finite. All choices now plainly exclude others. It’s pointless to keep pretending to be what we’re not. At 40, we’re no longer preparing for an imagined future life. Our real lives are, indisputably, happening right now. We’ve arrived at what Immanuel Kant called the “Ding an sich” — the thing itself.
Indeed, the strangest part of the 40s is that we’re now the ones attending parent-teacher conferences and cooking the turkey on Thanksgiving. These days, when I think, “Someone should really do something about that,” I realize with alarm that that “someone” is me.
For me, this is part of what hits at me most. I think her sentence above in wumpus’s post is wrong - it’s not that all choices plainly exclude others. It’s that many choices are just plainly excluded. 40 (now mid-40s) is where it really hit me that doors are irretrievably closed. I’m not talking about doors that were always fundamentally closed (being a professional athlete, being a Supreme Court Justice), even though it is the point at which you realize you’re never going to make a major mark on history. Instead, I mean there are meaningful choices that are fundamentally done. Are you going to have a family (and how big is it going to be)? Are you going to be one of those people married to the same life partner for 50 years, or are you effectively starting over due to a divorce? If you’re starting over, are you going to find someone again, or are you looking at the next 30-40 years alone? (It is harder to find people later in life, I believe, especially if you are introverted.)
You can still, theoretically, change careers, but you are reaching the point where it is almost certainly economically foolish (you are unlikely to make back the cost of additional education, particularly when you factor in that people really aren’t keen to hire people in their mid-40s for “new career” positions that most people fill in their 20s). You can try to pick up new hobbies, but you will never be as good at them as people who have been doing them for their entire lives. And many sports and other physical based hobbies start declining in viability (and for some, you’re just never going to be competitive, except perhaps in your own age group, if you can even do it at all).
I know the standard pick-me-up lines of it’s never too late, and things about the second best time to plant a tree. They ring hollow. The people in their 40s and older who stridently want to tell you about how they’re “busy living” or how they’re "more efficient and get more done by 10:00 than most 20 year olds do all day always seem to have some need to show a desperate, frenetic, sick energy. It’s never credible; it’s like they’re dancing as furiously as they can on the Titanic, or getting drunk in the Fueher Bunker, loudly proclaiming that everything is great while trying desperately not to admit what is happening.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not all dour and sad. I know that there are benefits of being of an age where (hopefully) your financial security is more firmly established. You are hopefully less concerned about things like where you fit from a social status perspective, and are more comfortable just doing your own thing.
But there is a reason people have mid-life crises (and though I know there is a debate in psychology circles whether they actually are a thing, I believe they are). I think you come to this realization that in some ways, you are like the mayfly that has already bred. You have some life ahead of you, but in some ways your purpose has been (or is mostly) fulfilled or not, and you are circling about waiting for the end of the day.
I don’t have any real advice for getting through mid-life depression, other than simply enduring it with the knowledge that for most of us it will pass.
What helps me now in my late 50’s is simply being forward-looking. I am looking forward to so many different things, from the simple, such as working on my tennis game, to the more grandiose, such as packing up and travelling the world.
These are huge. To me, I didn’t really feel like an adult until 35+. In your 20s, freedom of choice is an illusion. You’re so bound by economic, social, and personal constraints that there’s little freedom in the courses of action that you take.
Being freed from the need to prepare for the next decade (e.g., finishing up your education) is huge. Now, I’m sure that there are a lot of people that, when they get to actually what they were preparing for, find themselves sorely disappointed. But I think that break into actually realizing the consequences of what the first 30+ years were setting you up for is what triggers mid-life crises. Having worked so hard, having bled for it, you get to the destination and you go, is that it? Or, for those who are happier, you actually satisfied and enjoy.
I’m thankful that I mostly fall into the latter category. 40+ is a nice place to be.
I’m 41 now. I don’t have children (we can’t) and my life has amounted to a lot of failures. Most of my family is gone now, I was born late in life to my parents. I’m not financially sound and if I died, not many people would care and, in a few weeks, no one would remember. I leave no legacy and have no wealth. I’m not sure why I keep going, really, but I do.
And that is the potential problem. I thought at one time if I could play a good MMO every night, that was enough. Maybe sprinkle in a few other games here and there. I still like gaming, but not like I did. I have found other interests, though, so that balances things a bit.
But yeah, at one point in my life there was nothing more fascinating than being in the middle of a great game. And all that did was make me yearn for more great games to come.
I found the exact opposite to be true. I was totally expecting to be married with the same woman for the rest of my life, but then divorced last year. But it turned out, that in my age, stable financial, living and life conditions and reasonably grown and self-supporting children are actually valued assets. I found no difficulties meeting new people, and there where lots of them in similar situations as mine. At first, I was more than content to enjoy some solitude for a while, upgrading my hi-fi, gaming as much as I wanted, visit bars as frequently as I like, etc. etc. But as it turned out, I met this girl, more or less by accident, and fell in love. I turned 50 last week, so not too much older than you. I’m not overly introvert though, so that might make a slight difference.
Well, I have the issue as well where I am currently financially stable, but not working. Not having a job at this age appears to pretty much kill almost any chance of a relationship. There are reasons I can explain (I worked as a professional for around 20 years in the same job, but am having issues with anxiety/depression and am currently on disability). But even though I am financially stable with good disability pay, it’s not like you can really say that and not have women run away even faster.
As you said, what women seem to be looking for is that decent, stable, financially secure guy. Not having a job/being in disability (and that is unlikely to change soon) means that’s not gonna work for me, even if I am financially secure/don’t need someone else to take care of me.
By the way - I know of you from the podcast, you seem like a good egg, and I think you are entertaining. So at least one more person would care/remember than you think. :-)
I realized early on (mid 20’s) that I didn’t want to make a mark in the world. Make it better while I’m here of course. Participate in raising a next generation, sure. But I’ve never felt a driving ambition to win the rat race or create a lasting legacy. Thus as I rapidly approach 52 I find myself financially set with a great wife, two kids who seem to be doing well transitioning to full adults, strong ties to family, and a career that has been good but that is beginning to frustrate me.
Am I a mayfly living out some purposeless moments? In a sense yes. Yet as an agnostic with taoist leanings I don’t see that as a bad thing. We are all mayflies. We are mayflies with consciousness which allows us to derive meaning out of relationships, learning, and creating. As long as I can participate in one or all of those aspects of life then life is worth living.
I talk to people about other stuff, but most of the time they end up getting defensive or hostile, despite (or maybe because) it’s their job, so you just end up feeling worse.
When they get snarky and start wasting your scheduled time talking about how they don’t like what they do for a living, and are thinking about changing careers, it’s a bad sign.
Maybe if you have lots of money/are not on welfare things are better.
People who are on welfare all get funneled into the same few clinics. There’s not much choice in the matter. There’s also a lot of turnover in staffing. At least, at the lower levels.
I’m sorry, but not surprised. You might try finding a pastor to talk to. If you have a Unitarian church in your area that might be an interesting place to try. They offer a very liberal-minded, accepting atmosphere.
