Should I Be Worried About This Dude?

OK so a little back story. I am dating this girl, right? WAIT, IT GETS BETTER.

Anyway she is very pretty and is a student at the school where I teach. YES I AM WORTHLESS DEGENERATE but I do not teach at a junior high or a school for the mentally retarded, she is 32 and a very cool person.

Anyway, the school recently hired a new security guard. He’s…well, he’s definitely socially awkward. I have said hello to him several times and his unfailing response is a pregnant pause followed by a stilted “Hi.” It doesn’t seem hostile or annoyed, just odd. I have heard him speak other words but I don’t catch any hint of an accent.

A week or so ago, out of the blue he gave the girl I am seeing a card. Here are the important bits:

That’s kind of sweet, isn’t it? I mean busting that out essentially out of nowhere is odd, but pfft. Anyway, the inside:

Hrm. Ah well, can’t give a guy too hard a time for bad grammar, right? Although it’s kind of hard to secretly admire someone that you just want to be friends with. Mixed signals!

Welps, one week later he hands her this:

Yes, that is a picture of himself he cut out and glued to the front of the card. Also his head is hiding something, which is weird.

Edit: It is a color scan of his picture superimposed on the text, so I can’t peel it away, alas. And it is not his name, that much I can tell.

It gets “better:”

Hooooo momma. The other inside page is a rambling attempt at Hallmark card sentiment that he wrote, printed and also glued in the card. Then, presumably, he wrote that other stuff.

I have advised her that my gut instinct is he’s just horribly socially awkward and shy and harmless, but to try to avoid being alone with him and to also tell him in no uncertain terms that she is not interested. What do you guys think?

He sounds like a catch. You should definitely step out of the way.

What else has she done in regards to him?

Else, I’m somewhat in agreement with you. He’s socially awkward and possibly trying too hard, but it’s hard to tell because I’m in the internet.

His next card to her will contain one of your ears.

He has nice penmanship.

Get her to give him the cold hard, solid, non-refundable, “No way you could misunderstand it as being even a ‘maybe’”, NO.

Until she does that and crushes all his dreams and hopes, he will always have hope and probably play mental games on himself like “it’s ok, next week she will see me for who I am and then be mine!”.

Unless of course she likes him and this is her way of breaking it to you ;)

Challenge him to hand-to-hand combat.

if you like the game,sing it loud,sing it proud,search "platypus priapism"on google


If that guy were white he’d be me, except I’m married now. But I did do that exact same thing when I was in seventh grade.

I have no advice. Whatever happens feelings are going to be hurt.

Girl better run. He is going to wear her skin as a coat.

She has done nothing except say hello to him. Clearly she doesn’t mind dating the help as it were, but it is not likely she has led him on in any way beyond being nice and not ignoring him like most people at the school do.

Yeah, I said as much to her about it. Sometimes people force you to reject them. She asked if she could say she had a boyfriend, meaning me, and of course I said that was fine. I thought it might be better than “I would rather be alone and do nothing than even date you once.”

Er, do the security guards there carry guns?

I love this place so much.

What Hans said. Times a gazillion.


That should be the default card for all Secret Santa gifts this year.

Oh God that is majestic.

This guy has a really high level fear of rejection. I think lots of guys had this dream in their heads (back in junior high, as mentioned) that cards/notes/signs like this are effective at actually getting someone interested in them. To still hold onto that idea after all these years is a problem.

You could be the bigger man here and try to talk to him, let him down gently, and then help him understand why this tactic doesn’t work… how asking someone to be a friend isn’t the proper way to actually start a friendship.

Whatever you do, though, don’t forget to trim your junk.