After all that bitching, I beat the Heart for the first time ever on my second game tonight with The Defect. I took the random relic at the start and ended up with Snecko Eye. I got Creative AI and took a bunch of cards with high cost and card draw. I got a bunch of absurdly good relics that increased my power geometrically, like double relic and card draw at the end of fights. I ended up with 3 fairies for the final battle.
At that point, the only risky situation left came after the boss fight on the 4th floor. I ignorantly took the relic that removed all your debuffs if you play an attack, skill, and power in the same turn. On the second to last fight I played those on the first turn and lost my Snecko Eye. Oops! I was still able to destroy them pretty easily thanks to a few Turbo+ cards and the Ice Cream Cone.
For the Heart I had to decide which two of the three types of cards I wanted to play that turn. I had one arm tied behind my back and still won. Kind of silly to be honest.