So, a coworker and I are working on a “bad movie night” podcast. This sprang from how much fun we had just having bad movie night over here (I have an incredible collection of stink) and the “real” podcast project we’re working on.
Friday night was a double feature of Barbarella and Star Crash. Barbarella was alright, and we got some laughs out of it… but then Star Crash arrived.
For those who aren’t familiar, here’s the quick rundown:
Some guy who looks like Greatest American Hero on meth and Caroline Munroe (from the 60s Sinbad Voyage movies etc.) are partners in crime, on the run from the law. There’s a robot cop who looks like Darth Vader crossed with a marital aid and he speaks in a cowboy twang. They’re also being chased by Thor, a little bald guy painted green and wearing leather. Thor looks exactly like a D&D goblin.
The movie opens with this spaceship that looks like a pile of plastic trash that was slapped together doing a flyby in a rip-off of the Star Wars opening scene. There are obvious tank wheels, pringles cans, sprues that nobody took model parts off of, and some model railroad trash on this thing. It is promptly attacked by a lava lamp. Everyone aboard dies of SPACE MADNESSSSS!! except for 3 lifeboats that escape. One has the “Emperor of the Universe’s” son aboard.
Christopher Plummer phones it in as the Emperor. Seriously. Hologram style. He has a badass throne though. His son turns out to be none other than DAVID HASSLEHOFF. You get to see him fight cavemen with a laser-eye mask, and then fight two stop-motion robots with a light saber!
Caroline Munroe is absolutely smokin hot in this movie. She runs around in a variety of space vampirella costumes, and if you’ve never noted her in a movie before, she looks like she was invented by Boris Vallejo. However, her acting skills don’t disappoint. Oh man.
In a ludicrous scene, they get taken to “space prison” where she has to dump giant white orbs into a reactor thing for the rest of her life. She is oddly the only prisoner wearing a leather bikini. Don’t ask. Anyway, she decides to escape, and she starts a shootout with the guards and runs away to let the rest of the prisoners fight and die. How she gets outside we don’t know but in like 2 seconds she’s out running across the countryside. Good thing because one of the prisoners shoots the reactor and it explodes killing probably a few thousand people.
At that instant, a ship lands in front of her. It’s the cops, and they say “Yeah, we decided to come spring you out of jail to help rescue the missing heir, m’kay?” and she’s like “Okie doke!” and hops aboard. Pay no mind to all the people who just died for no reason 30 seconds ago.
The movie goes on to rip off Star Wars, the Sinbad movies (there is a stop motion animated Colossus for god’s sake!), Forbidden Planet (The Krell machine, no shit) etc.
Oh yeah, and the evil maniac’s space station? Shaped like a giant claw. YES. And when the Empire attacks they shoot flash-gordon shaped rockets IN THE WINDOW (with a crash and tinkle of glass) and a bunch of dudes climb out and start shooting. They then repeat this same footage no less than 6 times. In a row. Shamelessly.
They also take the footage of a ship flying to a planet and play it in reverse when the ship leaves the planet. They take off backwards you know.
I’ll stop there. It’s absolutely the best movie you could possibly sit down and watch with people who love a bad movie.
Here’s a sample: