2661

Are you calling these things dates or whatever from the get-go, Ned? Maybe your intensity is scaring them off? Go grab lunch with them or something. Play Skee-Ball.

2662

Heh, I am about as intense as a glass of filtered water.

No, I never refer to them as dates with the people involved. It’s always “getting together” or “meeting up”. Very casual, not “I’ll see you at the altar, you bring the ring”.

I don’t think either person above is lying, they’re just two more examples of how very hit-and-miss online dating is.

2663

If you’re writing a book, you should talk to a psychology professor about why people flake out more with online dating. Fear of rejection or self-sabotage maybe? It would be interesting to hear a professional kook’s opinion.

2664

The best comments from this thread should definitely be added as interstitials in the book.

2665

My own hunch is that it’s simply easier. The sense of commitment is a lot less tangible online, so backing out doesn’t seem like a big deal. And I suppose it isn’t, however annoying it might seem sometimes.

This thread is nearly a first draft.

2666

I dunno, I can see the sense of commitment being less when you’re just reading profiles and sending messages into the ether, but once you actually agree on a place and time to meet, is there any difference based on how you set the date up? Maybe, or maybe it’s that more flakes use online dating because their flakiness prevents them from getting dates the old fashioned way. Whatever it is, it’s fucking annoying. I need to get my own blog post (entitled Why I Hate Women) done before I go back to work on Wednesday.

Also, I had another woman write and tell me how much she “enjoyed” my profile today. No indication that she has any interest in me at all–except as a creator of art I suppose.

2667

Also, I had another woman write and tell me how much she “enjoyed” my profile today. No indication that she has any interest in me at all–except as a creator of art I suppose.

Dude, really? She initiated contact and brought up a topic of conversation – does she need to come over to your house and club you or something?

2668

Could you expand on this, because I don’t get it. First, could you prove that it’s just shyness or emarrassment that normally keeps someone from acting on these impulses? Maybe a person wants to have sex with someone but would not when sober because he/she thinks it is wrong or doesn’t want to jeopardize a current relationship.

I really wouldn’t care if my wife would like to have sex with someone else, if she doesn’t act on it (well, without asking me anyway). But alcohol might cause her to do something she wouldn’t otherwise do. Does that make her evil? Not really. So could you explain what you mean here? I mean if she wouldn’t do it when not drunk, then it would seem the drinking would cause her to do something she would regret.

BTW, I’m not saying I worry about such things. My wife has gone and visited friends in another city and gone out drinking with them. I don’t worry about it too much. I’m just asking a more general question of those of you saying that getting drunk and doing something is practically no different than doing it sober.

2669

You’re agreeing with him. In your example, it’s something she’s otherwise inhibited from doing, but deep down wants to. When sober, and thinking clearly, she knows better; when drunk she does it anyway, because part of her wants to.

I’m not sure where you’re getting that it’s not different from doing it sober, because it clearly is.

2670

It read like Damien was saying that doing something while you are drunk is basically the same as doing it when sober. In other words, it sounds like he’s saying that even wanting to sleep with someone else is the real problem. But I guess I misunderstood.

2671

The difference is that the commitment to a date with someone you have met in person feels different than it does if you have yet to meet the person. The online thing is more abstract.

I’m not saying that excuses poor behavior, but I think it helps explain it.

2672

I don’t presently have the time or the wherewithal to see anyone right now, but I do occasionally browse some of these sites just to see who’s out there. And apparently I have a type, as they keep matching me with highly-educated women with advanced degrees in the human services or education fields. Frankly, I find it a little intimidating.

2673

Don’t be intimidated. I’ve worked with people like that for a couple years now and they haven’t been radically different than any of my other coworkers.

2674

I’ll write back, but she didn’t really initiate a conversation since she gave me nothing to reply to other than to say “thanks”. And I’ll bet you a dollar it never gets anywhere near an actual date, if she even responds to my reply at all.

This is about the fifth or sixth time I’ve gotten a message like this, and it’s never gone anywhere. It seems to be equivalent to clicking like on a Facebook status.

2675

I had a ridiculously hot, successful guy who was way out of my league tell me that he enjoyed my profile. He was also from New York. I don’t understand why some people would go out of their way to contact someone when they obviously don’t mean to show any interest in them.

It makes me think that some people just read profiles for the fun of it, even if they are across the country. Doesn’t particularly makes sense to me, but different strokes.

2676

I do, occasionally, just to reassure myself that there are people out there who seem to be my kind of people. There aren’t many around here, alas.

2677

On OKC at least, it’s pretty easy to end up looking at someone from outside your city, if you read the journals or forums or just the front page. I’ve written to a few, and a couple even turned into penpals/Facebook friends. Like Omniscia says, it’s nice to know there are people like that out there, even if you haven’t found one close enough to date. However, there’s a difference between just saying “I really liked your profile” and actually starting up a conversation.

I also think the IM client on OKC is great, even though it sucks. It’s closer to actually talking, and allows what would otherwise be a pretty deadend opener to turn into something more. There’ve been a few women who I or she sent a message and rather than replying with another email, we ended up IMing for an hour or more.

2678

As I understand it, he’s saying that some part of that person wants to act this way; when drunk, as they’re uninhibited and more likely to act on stupid, irrational impulses than they would be while sober.

In short, they’re drunk and stupid.

2679

Me too. I can’t figure out whether this means that I am secretly normal and just a gigantic asshole or if my doctor’s utterly unscientific diagnosis is confirmed by this equally unscientific test.

If you’re picky, or if you see somebody that just seems, you know, RIGHT, occasionally you will take the chance. I’ve been flogging OkCupid for…I can’t even remember how many years now, and I’m kind of running out of faces in the Houston area that aren’t, you know, familiar to me. The fact that I am not a very conventionally lovable fellow combined with my weird-ass standards and topped with the fact that I can kind of see what most of the questions that form the basis of your match score are getting at and sometimes, even though I don’t mean to, I find myself answering the way that I think I’m supposed to (lawful good) instead of the way I actually think means that of the maybe hundred and fifty or so people I match at greater than 80% with in my geographical area, I’m attracted to maybe 30 of them and have probably already sent them messages. That doesn’t make me any less, you know, lonely, however, so if I see somebody interesting on the front page, I’ll drop a line from time to time. I actually talked to somebody who alleges to be a kind of ridiculously Tina Fey-style hot model that almost turned into a writing gig, and she’s still pretty cool to talk to. Hell - I met one of my longest-running opposite-sex friends through, of all places, CollegeClub (note: I now feel really old), through the personals.

After all, there’s always the outside chance that you and this person could fall madly in love and end up moving to Topeka or something to live together. Probably not, but at least you know another cool person, right?

2680

Nope. Though I would hope most people would consider other peoples feelings before saying something to them (speaking in general, not in reference to anything in this thread).