I’m not necessarily talking about content - writing stuff about yourself IS instructive. Writing a picky list of attributes that your intended must or must not have does you no good. When you’re putting a list out there for people looking at you to read and select from, the intention is for you not to hear from people who don’t fit the bill. The problem is that it doesn’t work that way - generally the list boils down to “don’t be an asshole,” and assholes are going to ignore your list and try to chat you up anyway. At best, you’re chasing off nice people who don’t necessarily jive with your notions. Lists are a method that you use to try and filter people who contact you. I mean, if you want to have a list for yourself, go nuts - I’m just saying publishing it isn’t really helpful or instructive unless you are really clever and creative about it.
I’ll be the first person to admit that I might very well have the worst social skills of any human being that can function unaided in society, but in my thirtieth year I think that I’ve finally figured out that dating is basically about meeting people. You’ll click with some people and you won’t click with other people and predicting the exact circumstances under which that will happen is not nearly as easy as a list of required attributes. If you want to get from “alone” to “in a happy relationship” as quickly as possible, I would argue that you’re better served using a thousand characters to tell a funny story about that thing that happened at band camp than by erecting a wooden cutout dictating how tall you must be to board the ride. I’m socially maladjusted, though - maybe I’m mistaking a profound misunderstanding of the universe for a deeper wisdom.
balut
2762
Agreed with both of the above. While the initial profile helps in obtaining a general feel or impression of a person, you really don’t know until you meet face-to-face. It all comes down to chemistry and spark.
Also, don’t be afraid to broaden your horizons. I’ve had horrible dates with women that were as geeky as I am or had fairly similar interests, and had great dates with women I might never have approached or considered if I had just encountered them in person.
Hell, I kind of doubt if I would even have met or approached my wife if it weren’t for online dating - my scene is more computers, video games, and sci-fi; her scene is punk, dive bars, and rockabilly. And yet, we immediately clicked when we met, after arranging it on okcupid. Since we’ve been together, I’ve gained a greater appreciation for rockabilly and punk, and she’s gained a greater appreciation for sci-fi and general geekdom; we went to a Reverend Horton Heat concert the other night, and we’re going to the San Diego Comic Con this summer.
pg1
2763
I agree quite a bit, I’ve met some nice attractive people but nothing worked out for time issues mainly. One person literally worked 6-7 days a week(hello, how can you get to know me if we can barely even schedule a date?) and another was a night owl. I just leave my profile up and check it now and then just to see who messages me. It doesn’t seem worth the effort men have to put into chasing women on these sites. The ratio is very tilted in their favor. The problem with dating sites is it’s so fing impossible to meet anyone, you spend 98% of your time or more on bullshit. It’s supposed to be about meeting people for dates but these sites are the opposite of that.
Shadarr
2764
Well, different women have different purposes in using a dating site. Some seem to be waiting for the perfect man to come along, whatever that means to her. Some openly admit they are just there for the ego boost. Some are just killing time. Probably the majority are, or think they are there to meet guys and go on dates, but get worn down by reading all the messages in their inbox that are either utterly generic or off-putting.
This is some grade-A bullshit right here.
Don’t like the bar scene? Fine. Pick an activity, preferably one that is geared towards single people but is not explicitly a “singles group” and DO THAT. (“Singles groups” tend to attract the psychotic. And fat chicks.)
Here, I’m about to give you the keys to the kingdom: Play kickball. SERIOUSLY. I’ve been playing in Dallas’ Liberty division for a couple of years now and I’ve met more people – including attractive women – doing this than any other three things combined, including online dating. Playing a laid-back, low-skill game followed by a couple of hours at a pub allows anyone to be social. If you see a cute girl and don’t know what to say, ask how her team did that night. EASY.
And it doesn’t take “months or years to cultivate.” It happens every Tuesday night.
And if kickball isn’t your bag, there’s a million other things like it. See, for example, the Warrior Dash thing I posted about tonight. Or my Crossfit gym, which is as much a social thing as it is an ass-kicking workout.
Online dating is OK as a supplement – I’ve done it myself – but there’s better ways out there.
Oh, and having a hot tub helps. Thanks, ElGuapo.
Shadarr
2766
So after over two weeks of getting no replies whatsoever–not even one of those aggravatingly ambivalent “answers the questions and nothing more” replies–tonight someone wrote back with “what’s your schedule like”. Even better, she wrote at 11:30 so if it leads to any sort of IM or phone chatting there won’t be the sleep-schedule conflict I had with the chick I took to see The Road.
I took a bit of a gamble asking her out before seeing her pics, but if she has half a face or something I can always bail after the coffee. And apropos of what we were talking about earlier, her profile didn’t really say a lot about herself or have a checklist of things she’s looking for, but she did write enough to get a sense that she’s not an idiot, doesn’t take herself super seriously and has a sense of humour.
I’ll have to ask her whether she likes to go out and stay in, though, because she didn’t make that clear.
You took a first date to see the Road?
WarrenM
2768
The self sabotage continues. :P
Still got her phone number?
Shadarr
2770
The date went well, despite all the negativity from the gallery. The fact she goes to bed before 9, and a general lack of excitement on my part, is what killed the chance of a second date.
I would go against the hivemind’s wisdom that a movie is a terrible first date. Done right, you can have a quick get to know you coffee first and then afterwards you have common ground for a conversation. Talking about the film during a nightcap afterwards is a good starting point to move onto deeper stuff. Just my opinion of course!
Shadarr
2772
We did lunch first, because of scheduling. I was hoping for movie first, then dinner, for exactly that reason. But like I said, the date went fine, the lunchtime conversation went fine even without the movie to talk about, there just wasn’t any real connection there.
ElGuapo
2773
I’ll second kickball. That’s a fantastic way to meet people … maybe THE best way I’ve ever seen. Last night I did broomball for the first time, which is similar in that you get a mix of people, and a lot of singles, and hoo boy a lot of single girls. Out of the 4 teams, there must have been 20 or more single girls there. The leagues apparently have a male/female ratio they keep as part of the rules.
In the warm up area I talked to girls. In the player’s box, or dugout, or whatever you call it, I talked to girls. After the game while watching the other teams I talked to girls. At the bar afterwards I talked to girls. It’s a hotbed of single people activity, truly.
There was a Washington Post reporter there doing interviews and asking people why they joined and were playing, with the majority never having played broomball before. Most of the responses were “to meet people”, which is code for “to meet people I want to date”. In fact I got the number of the reporter, who was really cute.
So yeah, kickball/broomball/whatever is in your area like that. Great way to meet people to date.
WarrenM
2774
In the warm up area I talked to girls. In the player’s box, or dugout, or whatever you call it, I talked to girls. After the game while watching the other teams I talked to girls. At the bar afterwards I talked to girls. It’s a hotbed of single people activity, truly.
That’s great for someone who is comfortable talking to girls. A lot of guys get into internet dating because they aren’t. If they were good at going out, being social, and talking up random strangers they would be doing that. :)
Griddle
2775
That’s true. Personally, I got on the interwebs to meet women because I don’t like the bar scene, while I’m comfortable talking to women, I prefer they not be all hammered and goofy when I first meet them, thus the interwebs thing.
ElGuapo
2776
Hmmmmm. Well you are kind of forced to talk to them at some point because you are playing with them and you have to coordinate that stuff. But how can you not have the essential life skills to be able to talk to girls? Not be good at it, but at least just say hello, and have you ever done this before, and wow this is pretty fun, etc. That’s like saying you can’t cook or drive a car. What did people do before the internet? I hope those skills aren’t being lost to generations because of internet dating.
Hell, they really should do some kind of pre-team questions and answers to match you up well, because that’s pretty much all kickball and the other social sports are. No one goes into kickball thinking they’ve always wanted to play kickball and become a professional kickball player.
In other news, I was the first guy of the season to be thrown in the penalty box. Who knew you couldn’t trip people with your stick?
WarrenM
2777
That’s like saying you can’t cook or drive a car.
There are tons of guys who can’t cook. :)
This kind of thing is only a mystery to those who are already good at it.
What did people do before the internet? I hope those skills aren’t being lost to generations because of internet dating.
Dating services (VHS tapes!), fix-ups via friends/family, etc.
Internet dating has some advantages over the traditional route:
- convenient (never leave the chair!)
- large pool of possible prospects
- opportunity to ‘pre-screen’ potential dates (photos, profile, IM chats, etc.)
But yeah, anyone using it because they are too shy to meet people is going to run into trouble once their chats move from online to in-person, so it’s ultimately not a substitute for ‘regular’ dating.
Finding a social activity you enjoy is a great way to potentially meet dates. I keep mulling over a few local groups but haven’t really found one yet (I recently checked out the site for the bowling league, which looks like it would be a pretty groovy place if I was really fat and pushing 80).
Here’s what you do: Walk 10 feet behind a woman on the sidewalk for 30 seconds, and then exclaim, “DAMN, baby! What did yo’ mama put in yo’ grits?”
(witnessed with awe by JMJ, South Side of Chicago, circa 1998)
I’ve pretty much lived my entire life that way. In my head, the worst thing that I can ever do to anybody is anything that person doesn’t want me to, ever. This would be why I don’t have a lot of conversations with strangers - it’s only marginally worse in my mind for me to stab them in the throat with a bayonet than it is to bring up a subject that person doesn’t want to talk about or, heaven forefend, subject myself on some unfortunate individual who doesn’t want me around. The internet is easier because there’s not a person on the other end - there’s just a text entry form. Obviously, that can lead to problems later on, but it gets me started. If I walk up to a woman because I think she’s attractive and I try to engage her in conversation, I feel kind of like I’m lying, and the reason why I don’t take a pottery class or join a kickball league (aside from the fact that I’m pretty sure that can’t possibly be a Texas phenomenon) is because if I go somewhere to do a thing, I know that I will do that thing there. My conversations will be limited to the subject of that thing there. I will know that I SHOULD be using it as a vehicle for more socialization, but I know that won’t happen, because I basically need an engraved motherfucking invitation to so much as introduce myself to another person.
I’m pretty crazy, when you get right down to it. Unfortunately, I’m not THAT uncommon. I’m hyper-aware of myself, and that makes it harder for me to do this sort of thing, and I can’t get drunk, which is normally an easy way to address that situation, but there’s a whole universe of people situated somewhere on the interpersonal problems continuum between the severely autistic kid rocking back and forth in the corner and those people from the Maybe picture in the last Nintendo E3 presentation. The internet can be a boon to those people as a method of at least getting off the ground and starting things off.
