JM1
4001
Ah. So you’re not dating to find someone, it’s for either sex or just to “meet” people (as in, get out more, make new friends)?
Why would a person expect you to commit to an exclusive relationship after two dates? That’s just ridiculous.
I had a guy who wanted to commit to a ‘monogamous relationship’ after our first date.
He was also into Nietzsche and astrology.
It didn’t work out.
JM1
4004
I didn’t think that’s quite what he was saying - I don’t think the number of dates was the problem, but the previous relationship and the possibility of a move. In other words, she was dating to find a relationship (which is pretty common, no?) and he isn’t.
Sure, but Adam West doesn’t have to find his shoe, he just has to find his Superman-repellant Bat-spray!
Anyway, fun as it is skimming this thread, I haven’t actually internet dated at all. I simply don’t live in an area where it’s even remotely viable. The stories are pretty funny, though!
Tankero
4006
I doubt the übermensch would really care about which celestial house Mars was in. How the Hell can people mentally bend this far?
I’m not interested in going exclusive/committed after two dates, especially given my situation. It’s not that I’m dating exclusively for the sex or the new friends, but I’m really not interested in going straight into exclusivity. Give it a couple of weeks, yaknow?
Some people just don’t like it when dating isn’t mutually exclusive. Get over it.
— Alan
I think you’re confusing me with the person who was worked up over the situation.
That’s what I thought. That woman discussing exclusivity after two dates was out of her mind. That’s just not an appropriate subject at that point.
JM1
4012
No-one is worked up over it. It just needed clarification.
WarrenM
4013
That’s what I thought. That woman discussing exclusivity after two dates was out of her mind. That’s just not an appropriate subject at that point.
Heh, maybe I was out of touch but I felt that after a second date that the girl and I should be basically exclusive at that point. It obviously differs based on situation and if you’re in college, I’m sure it’s more relaxed. But dammit, if you like me enough to have gone out twice and we have a third date planned I think it’s safe to say you can stop dating other people for now.
I think part of it may be the girl openly discussing the exclusivity. If I meet someone and after a couple of dates we both think it’s clicking, I’d probably not go out on other dates for the time being, but I also wouldn’t see the need to explicitly articulate that to the other person, either. You could end up making your date feel boxed in (or the same could happen to you) if you try to establish exclusivity so early on.
And in Aaron’s case, he’s not looking for exclusivity right now, so it’s best for him to state that upfront and if that ends with the other walking away, it’s a self-correcting situation.
Yeah, you don’t talk about it right away. Aaron, did she know you were dating other women? Did the subject get broached that way?
I think a couple of dates in it’s still “don’t ask, don’t tell” territory about other romantic entanglements. Unless you’re already having sex, in which case anything goes.
The subject got broached by her making some joking comment which demonstrated that she thought we were boyfriend/girlfriend, and given her mindset, I took that to mean she understood our relationship to be exclusive. She feels that I had implied such myself by my actions and things I said, so I have resolved to be more explicit and up-front about my goals, desires, and situation in the future.
Though if they want to know, they could ask… sigh
Can we get a call from the Hivemind on this one?
I mean, I’m sure it differs from person to person, but from my experience–No. By the end of my dating days, it seemed like most women gave things three dates to figure out if it was working or not. I’m pretty lame, admittedly, but I got the sense even the women who were into me wanted to wait until after the third date to make the call.
If you’re finding yourself with a lot of planned third dates that never materialize because the woman is washing her hair and tending to family emergencies for the next few months? You may want to dial those expectations back.
ABailey
4018
Ask sometime after maybe two or three months but before five months. Definitely before five months! This I’ve learned!
Definitely cover the exclusive thing early on, like maybe three dates. Personally, if I’m dating a guy, I’d rather he just be dating me and vice versa. Dating multiple chicks is a warning sign for people seeking a relationship. And even if you’re dating exclusively, that just means you’re dating and not that you’re boyfriend/girlfriend. Hell, I haven’t worked out the time period for that.
Actually, you know what? Given my history, maybe don’t listen to me at all. Except the bit about not waiting five months. That you should listen to. I cannot stress that enough.
I think once you’re sleeping together, the other party wouldn’t be out of line to assume you have an exclusive relationship if he or she is not told otherwise. So if you’re sleeping with someone and dating other people, you should tell that someone so he or she doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Wow – I guess I’m the exception. I’ve always assumed that the rule was, if you are dating someone (meaning you go on more than a single date with the same person) it is assumed that you are not dating anyone else unless otherwise noted. Which is to say that when I was dating, I might have had more than one date at a time lined up but, if I liked someone enough to go on a second date I would stop scheduling new dates until I’d made up my mind about them. Granted, I was specifically looking for a relationship and dating like minded people. If I met someone just looking for sex and new that up front I would not have a problem with that but I would call that off if I met someone I was interested enough in to go on a second date.
By the same token, if I was interested in someone for sex only I would be explicit about that up front to make sure we were on the same page from the get go.
On the grammar/spelling front, I would recommend not ruling someone out on that basis alone. My fiance is a highly intelligent professional but does not express herself well in writing. I would have cheated myself of the best relationship I’ve ever been in if I had dismissed her based soley on her writing ability.
