Shadarr
4881
Is this an actual coworker, or is it just someone you’re in a play with? If the latter, most plays have wrap parties. If it’s still ambiguous at that point, try for her number.
We’re doing a show together, and yes, I am looking forward to the closing night.
It’s funny, 'cause it’s not a problem, really. Clever funny cute smart girl? It’s just been a damn long time since I’ve been into someone and couldn’t immediately do something about it. So kisses, hopefully, in a month, but until then, good times.
And how would you feel about her getting a bit on the side? Because once you cross that line, can you really deny her?
I am old school. I don’t see stepping out as coming to a good end. It puts too many ideas into the other person’s head, ideas that don’t go away.
Aw phooey. She’s going back to school in the fall, and it’s far away. And it starts up in late Sep. Any possible smoochin’ is going to be short-lived. But hey, you never know. :)
So explain to me again what’s keeping you from making a move now.
I’ve already said upthread that I wouldn’t mind that, but she’s not interested in it. I even said that her not wanting to do so is part of what stops me from doing it (yeah, stops me). Because then it doesn’t seem fair. Look, I get that most people don’t think this way. I get that it’s hard to wrap your mind around someone else thinking in a different way. But I REALLY don’t think it would bother me, as long as there was honesty. I don’t like being lied to, obviously. But sex? Big deal.
WarrenM
4887
Honestly, sex IS a big deal. It’s generally one of the cornerstones of a relationship - meaning that if the sex is bad, the relationship is generally in a similar state. I understand that maybe you don’t feel that way but a lot of people do.
I’m not sure I’m following you there Warren. Are you assuming Robert must have a bad sex life because he said he wouldn’t mind if his wife wanted to get a little strange?
That’s fascinating. People still believe sex has to be cornerstone of a relationship. This boggles my mind. Why not just enjoy the person?
WarrenM
4890
No, not at all. I was keying off of this:
“I don’t like being lied to, obviously. But sex? Big deal.”
Which I read as him saying that sex didn’t matter really and that lies were much more of a problem in terms of relationship issues. Lies are a problem, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t think that most people can honestly hand wave sex away as a barometer.
JM1
4891
Yeah, no, I’m not sure you understand. Warren’s not saying it has to be, he’s saying it IS in most cases - it’s one of those things that’s just hard-wired for most people.
Okay, thanks for clarifying that. I’d agree that a good sex life is important to keep a relationship strong, but honesty is more important. I also don’t think, based on the context of the statement, that what Robert was dismissing the importance of sex. Maybe I’m just reading his post differently. I took his comment about sex to mean that he wasn’t insecure or offended about the idea of his spouse having sex with someone else, not that he was dismissive of the value of a healthy sex life.
ElGuapo
4893
When you are in a sexually exclusive relationship, your partner is, besides creative and sometimes even embarrassing onanism, your only sexual outlet. Since this is a large part of most people’s lives, the sex not working is a huge misstep. What’s the difference between your commited partner and everyone else in your life? The sex and intimacy. It’s not the only thing important about the relationship obviously, but it’s absolutely a cornerstone. In fact if you go in for marraige counseling/couples therapy, it’s usually one of the first things they ask you, along with communication and conflict resolution.
Because otherwise what you have is a friendship, not a relationship. Might as well just be “some bloke down the pub” for all that matters.
Mordrak
4895
I think most guys’ wives (or spouses for our gay/lesbian friends) want to be more than just some bloke down the pub that’s pretty enough to fuck. I think any guy that said what you said here to his wife, would find himself on the couch for a long while.
ElGuapo’s explanation is much better.
There comes a time when the sex slows down, too. Kids, age, health issues, what-have-you. If sex is the only thing making you a couple versus friends, then your marriage is most likely going to be in trouble when that fades.
Maybe things slow down because they’re supposed to fail. Stuff’s got an expiration date for a reason.
Wow, you guys are reading a lot into my comment. I wasn’t trying to dismiss sex as a great activity and an important part of a good relationship. I’m just noting that people put way too much into it. The cornerstone of a relationship? Really?
Still, I agree that a healthy sex life is an important part of most marriages. But I was talking about my wife having sex with someone else. Having sex with someone isn’t the SAME as being in a relationship with that person. It also wouldn’t mean she wouldn’t be having sex with me. Why can’t I have a healthy sex life with my wife and still allow her to be with other people on occasion?
Warren’s comments were complete non sequiturs from my point. I wasn’t suggesting that a bad sex life was good for a marriage. I was just noting that the act of sex itself is not nearly as big a deal as many people make it out to be. Sex is important for a lot of reasons, but exclusive (monogamous) sex seems overrated to me. I’m not suggesting people cheat on each other. That causes huge problems in a relationship, which is why I said that the lying is the bigger issue to me.
WarrenM
4899
Ahh the twists and turns that internet threads take. I understand your point and, sure, as relationships evolve things change in terms of their importance.
I guess cornerstone was a bad word to use. Pillar, maybe? In my mind, it’s one of the pillars in the foundation. Obviously you can’t base a long term relationship simply on good sex - it needs to be part of a whole but I do believe that it needs to be there, at least while you’re young.
You certainly can do that but that’s not how most people perceive that a marriage works. You don’t have sex with other people, generally speaking. You commit to each other and that commitment strengthens the marriage.
Not a universal rule obviously (see: Supersport).
Warren’s comments were complete non sequiturs from my point. I wasn’t suggesting that a bad sex life was good for a marriage. I was just noting that the act of sex itself is not nearly as big a deal as many people make it out to be. Sex is important for a lot of reasons, but exclusive (monogamous) sex seems overrated to me. I’m not suggesting people cheat on each other. That causes huge problems in a relationship, which is why I said that the lying is the bigger issue to me.
Right, if you’re honest about it and you’re both into it then, hey, have fun! I just know that my situation is much different - my wife would never be into that. I know her well enough that it’s not even on the table.
She HAS told me that she would probably forgive an affair (1 time only, and given enough time), but I think that’s the most I’m getting. :) On the other hand, she doesn’t bat an eye when I check out a cute girl in public. That doesn’t phase her in the least for which I am appreciative.
Oh, yeah – wasn’t replying to you there, was replying to Nute.
