4901

I get where you are coming from, Warren. 10 years ago, I thought the exact same way. And I’m not trying to suggest you’ll change or that I’m more mature than you or anything. I’ve just changed my view on it. I’ve been in a relationship for 15 years now, and it can change how you think about such things. I think of my marriage as a partnership, but not so much based on sex. Don’t get me wrong. I get frustrated when our sex life isn’t ideal. It’s definitely important, as you say. But at this point, I don’t worry much about whether sex with someone else (for either of us) would ruin our marriage. There are other concerns I have (financial concerns, health concerns, etc.) but not monogamy. I should reiterate that neither of us has had sex with anyone else (to my knowledge!). But the possibility of it doesn’t scare either of us at this point. In fact, I find it a bit exciting. Still, like Kraaze, the idea of going through the hassle of finding someone is very unappealing. I like Supersport’s idea of picking for the other person and setting it up that way, but I’m not sure if my wife would be comfortable with that. Guess I should talk to her about it!

4902

Robert, I could definitely see a shift in perspective after 15 years. I’m only 6 years in so we’ll see what the future holds!

4903

Ridiculous.

4904

Nah, it’s a perfectly valid viewpoint.

4905

I’m almost 16 years in and sex is still a cornerstone/pillar. Definitely not the lynch pin, but without it, the foundation would be…less.

4906

On one of the gay dating sites I visit there are a lot of profiles that read ‘I’m in a solid LTR but am allowed to play on occasion’. I’ve never met one of these guys since I’m looking for a potential LTR myself but it seems a lot of gay couples on this site are in a ‘happy’ relationship and yet give permission to their partners to go out and have sex with others if they want to.

Maybe it just means most men are perpetually horny and is acknowledgment of said fact. :P

4907

Dan Savage has a lot to say on that subject, and thinks the practice should become general for heteros too — while acknowledging that some will prefer true monogamy. He says it’s better than the hypocrisy that society’s expectation of complete monogamy drives people to.

4908

I’ve always thought it was because, in most areas, being gay puts you outside what society finds acceptable, and therefore there’s little reason to cling to other meaningless societal conventions as monogamy for the sake of monogamy.

4909

Re: Dan Savage and monogamy; there’s a great This American Life (who am I kidding? They’re all great) called, weirdly, “Monogamy” in which Dan Savage talks directly to this issue.

Basically, I’m a big chicken, and afraid I’ll do it wrong. Which will make things awkward backstage.

So help me out! What would be a good way to ask someone out that is low-key enough that if they say no, weirdness would be minimized? I’m thinking, “What’s your policy on dating castmates?”

(It’s easy to forget, too, but if she’s interested in me, it won’t really matter WHAT I say, right? And vice versa.)

4910

Couldn’t you just ask her to coffee or whatever the minimal commitment approach is these days? If she says no, she’s probably not interested. If she says yes, you get her in a different environment and find out if she is interested.

You could also try the whole “It’s too bad you are moving back to wherever. I was hoping we could go do something after the show wraps up.” Then the ball would be in her court. She might even suggest you go ahead and do something now, so you’ll have more time before she leaves.

4911

I think it’s impossible to know how you feel until it happens. What if your partner is clearly finding sex with someone else much better than with you?

I’m not saying it can’t work, but it seems like risky behavior. My worry would be that my partner would discover that she enjoyed spending time with someone else more than with me. New relationships can often seem effortless initially if two people click. They are full of discovery. They are exciting. The person you’ve been with for ten years? Not nearly so.

Anyway, I’m not arguing from a moralistic view, but a pragmatic one. I think there’s a greater chance of sleeping with others blowing up a relationship than in having things go ok. Just my opinion.

4912

Took a girl out form OKCupid several weeks ago. We have been on 6 dates. Hanging out, to dinner, to movies, to a short road trip, to cooking for her, various date like stuff.

Intimacy escalated little by little, in a normal way, until the 6th date when we slept together. I have no heard from her in a week, texts and even a message on OKCupid (where she was last online the day I sent her a message) not returned.

Hmm. So it’s not just guys that do that, apparently. Dating in DC is a fucking battlefield. Even when you are extremely nice, take things slow, and seem to connect in your mind, BOOM! landmine.

4913

Jeez, you must have been terrible.

4914

Well, first, I don’t worry about such things. Second, there’s a lot more to a relationship than sex, and she knows that. Third, if she did like the other guy better than me in those other ways too, then she should be with him and not me and our relationship wasn’t so great after all.

Still, I appreciate the advice and get where you are coming from. I just don’t really think of my partner that way. If I really thought she’d be better off with someone else (or even could be), I’d probably advise her to go for it. If she thought that, then that would be even better reason to end our marriage. So if any of those things happened that you listed, I suppose it would be for the best. I don’t think they would, but it’s possible, I guess.

I might feel differently if we had children, obviously, since others would be affected.

4915

Just kiss her. What’s the worst that happens? Shit gets awkward for a month then you don’t see her ever again.

4916

Sexual harassment suit?

4917

She seems into him, they’re doing a play that isn’t their main job (Or else she probably wouldn’t be leaving), so I doubt that a sexual harassment suit would ever come up (This isn’t some corporate work place. It’s a god damned theater full of god damned theater people. They love drama, and this is the obvious beginnings of such (I can say this for a fact because I too am/was a theater kid)).

Edit; I now read Sharp’s advice a few posts up, and that’s probably a better idea in general.

4918

What time do you usually get out from rehearsals? Are there any restaurants or shops around? Just be like “Hey, do you want to go get some ice cream/coffee/a sandwich after this?” She says yes, you’re golden and up for some one on one time to figure things out. She says no it’s casual enough to have not been a big WILL YOU GO OUT ON A DATE WITH ME question. You start throwing the ‘D’ word around and she’s not into it, it’ll get awkward. Definitely wait for a moment where there’s not a bunch of people around to overhear to decrease the pressure.

4919

I actually had something similar happen to me. Long story short, far as I can tell she decided that she wasn’t comfortable with the dynamic we had in bed, or was hoping for a different one.

(Yeah, that’s the sanitized version, and there’s no polite way to offer a fuller explanation.)

So! My situation may be changing significantly, in the most delightful of ways. After being in the situation of serially dating (I think that’s the term!) women for … dear God, has it only been a half-dozen weeks now? It seems so much longer.

Anyway! A. has returned and is moving into her own place, and she and I might have a go at this whole “relationship” thing, to see if it works out. We already know we have quite a high level of compatibility, intellectually as well as the various other forms (including emotional! Heads out of the gutter, sheesh). We share a very similar headspace and a certain lifestyle compatibility, as well, which is always nice.

It’s “long distance” as far as she’s concerned, in that I’m in Baltimore and she’s in D.C., and it’ll be a couple of hours on public transportation either way. I don’t really see that as being a problem, though. Neither of us is interested in a 24/7 kind of thing, you know? We both like having downtime.

In a slightly awkward turn, though, D. has become somewhat… fond of me, from what I can tell. Next time I see her, she and I are going to have to sit down and have a conversation, because I have no interest in being in a long-term relationship with her. Our interests just doing coincide enough, and while she’s happy to have me do my own thing while she does her own thing (usually I’m on the computer and she’s watching TV) while we cuddle on the couch, I need someone who can share my interests and hobbies, or at least has ones which she’s not defensive about and which I don’t feel the urge to make fun of (Project Runway? Really? that shit is terrible). Plus, she doesn’t share the sort of headspace / lifestyle compatibility with me that A. does.

It’s funny how writing these posts helps me organize and make sense of my thoughts, though. Hopefully nobody here is too sketched out by my posts; I apologize, jerri, for breaking the illusions you had about my innocence, I really am sorry! ;)

4920

If you’re happy with it not being a 24/7 thing then you’re in for a treat, as a long distance relationship is actually rather awesome. A couple of hours is enough to rule out spontaneous trips, but not long enough to rule out reasonably frequent trips. Thus meeting her will become something to look forward to and experience in a concentrated form.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to a long-distance arrangement, but in all honesty it’s no substitute for being with someone you’re used to all the time. Do you think you’ll progress to that state with A any time soon?