JoshV
5581
Also the standards of physical attractiveness are very different. Some women dig bald guys, some dig skinny guys, some dig guys with a little extra padding, etc. Some men find hairy legs on women super attractive. (Or even facial hair on women, one of the more famous bearded ladies had several offers of marriage)
Right, so to clarify my point slightly, I’m talking about finding someone physically attractive being a necessary part of wanting to date them. Clearly there’s lots of things that go into finding someone physically attractive, some of which have to do with personality - for example, I’ve known plenty of girls who I found much more attractive once I got to know them than I did when we first met or would have from a picture - but I don’t think it’s shallow to say that if I love hanging out with someone I’m not physically attracted to, I don’t want to date them. I mean, I also have tons of male friends I love hanging out with, but I’m not dating any of them…
See, this comes across to me as an oxymoron. Objectively, the individual’s appearance hasn’t changed, so how can their physical attractiveness change? Your standards might change based on their personality, but the attractiveness doesn’t.
Semantics, mostly, I guess.
I suppose it would depend on which direction you’re evaluating the definition from. I’ve met people that I wasn’t attracted to initially at all and over time found that person to be attractive. From my perspective, she got better looking (or that’s how it seemed in my head, anyway - maybe I’m just terrifically shallow or something).
Perhaps you suffered cranial trauma? I’d be willing to bet the brain chemistry changes associated with falling in love are probably akin to those caused by traumatic brain injury.
Or perhaps I’ve been listening to Dean Martin’s “Ain’t That A Kick In The Head” too much lately.
A former employee of mine was smart and funny, and as a bonus, she was a knockout. Her problem was that her looks would attract these douchebag guys she met in various places (like parties), and she wasn’t always the best judge of character, and the relationship would always end badly. Sometimes it ended because the douchebag guy in question found her a little too smart for his own good and liked her better when she was just a pretty face.
I suggested she start meeting guys online without a picture and try to attract someone based on her personality. The looks could be a bonus.
Pogo
5587
Douchebags can be quite good at concealing their doucheyness. It’s not bad character judgment to date a douchebag, it’s just stupid to keep dating the douchebag after it’s already obvious.
This isn’t going to change online. And not having a picture is basically just saying “don’t bother messaging me.”
It should at least cut down on her general throughput, because that is hard as all hell. It’s gotten to the point where the sites themselves do their best to crap on you if you don’t provide a photograph, because you can bet I sure as hell wouldn’t if I could get away with it (I do not photograph well, nor do I know even one person who compulsively photographs everything like every other human on the face of the Earth seems to - or anybody on those sites, at any rate). Because I actually drop in and read profiles without pictures because I generally know for a fact that that is definitely not a robot trying to sell me face time with a naked lady in a windowless room in the Philippines, but they’re awfully hard to find on a lot of sites (particularly free ones). Back when I was still willing to pay for an internet dating service, I seem to remember a lot more people with no pictures, but that was a few years ago.
ScubaV
5589
I agree with Mightynute. Requiring at least some level of physical attraction to date someone isn’t shallow. Having it as the only requirement is.
No reason to feel shallow at all. You certainly don’t want to be married to someone that you have to work yourself up to even kiss him/her, much less make love to them. I was in a marriage like this for 19 years and trust me, it’s no fun! You have to have that initial physical attraction. Of course it should go to a much deeper level in time, things happen. How long does it take beauty to be taken away? About a 2 second car accident. Your spouse has to know you love her for more than just the physical beauty. But at the very start, yes it is a very important part.
Echoing what everyone else has said with a spin…
I found the same thing when I was doing online dating and I finally realized that it is a peculiarity of the medium that makes you feel that way. In the real world, selection for attraction takes place on a subconscious level. It’s not something you ever feel guilty about because it’s not something you are giving conscious thought to. If you are attracted to someone you might think of that person as a potential mate. If you are not attracted to someone, the thought just wouldn’t cross your mind.
When you’re dating online, however, you have to consciously evaluate everyone with a profile as a potential mate and that makes the process conscious which is unsettling. If you were looking for houses online you wouldn’t feel shallow for dismissing houses that weren’t to your tastes but when you have to make that judgement about another person, you feel bad.
And, of course, taste is subjective and the world is very happily made up of all different types with all different tastes.
Hugin
5593
“I am a male, obese, hairy 47 year old creeper who likes to pretend to be a 25 year old woman online. Stay away.”
What if he’s a really, really good actor?
Also, I don’t know if this has been suggested yet, but I’ve been on a bunch of awesome dates I found on SF Fun Cheap, at http://sf.funcheap.com/. It’s a bunch of free and cheap events around the Bay Area, and I bet there’s one for your area, too.
We went to a crazy fire arts show at The Crucible, which does industrial arts like glassmaking, welding, and bike-making volunteerism (amazing). There were open studios, discounts on classes, and a show involving Flamenco dancers, jets of flames, and arialists. It was out of control.
That same week (and again tonight) we went to a loosely organized Foursquare group in the East Bay, under a highway in a train station parking lot. Lots of competitive foursquare players and a lot of folks who like to run around in a parking lot and drink beer on a Thursday night. Totally awesome.
Stuff I’ve missed that I wanted to catch was a volunteer fair for local non-profits, and a board-and-video game night at a North Beach pub. This is all in the last 3 weeks, too. This list is AMAZING.
I’m debating taking after James Franco and start loving a body pillow. I’m over the whole fairer sex thing. Too much work.
ZekeDMS
5597
Don’t give up yet, DGS. At least start slow with a tengacup or fleshlight and build from there.
Houngan
5598
Look, ladies, you have to give us a little encouragement. If you just wait for the guys that have the unjustified self image necessary to start randomly chatting up women in bars, you’re going to find . . . guys with unjustified self images, a.k.a. douchebags. The smart shy ones need you to actually look at us and maybe smile a couple of times, 'kay?
The last girl I went out with made a point of never looking at me under any circumstance instead having her friend see if I was looking, which I was. How the fuck am I supposed to figure that out, eh?
H.
You can build the confidence necessary to approach girls in a bar without being a douchebag. I did. It took 3 things: 1) I lost a lot of weight and had a female friend take me shopping, 2) I realized that most people sitting at the bar are there to have fun and talk to people they didn’t arrive with and 3) I realized that everyone is more self-conscious than they are judgmental, so there was no need for me to be more worried about what they think of me than what I think of them.
Of course, that doesn’t mean you are going to find someone awesome that you really connect with by walking up to girls at a bar…but maybe one of them will have a cute nerdy friend she can introduce you to ;)
WarrenM
5600
If it’s too much work now, when you’re in college, you’re fucked. Seriously, it doesn’t get easier as time goes on.
