The way I see it, there are two types of high standards. The first is high standards for your relationship, telling yourself that you won’t be with someone you can’t respect and laugh with and really love. The second is high standards in the sense of requiring your partner to meet some arbitrary checklist of features (“non-smoker, must love dogs, no children, must enjoy mid-'90s grunge but not those posers Pearl Jam”).
The first is great, and keep those standards. The second is bullshit, and I think if you talk to a lot of happy couples, you’ll find that their partner isn’t what they were picturing in a whole lot of ways.
Right, it’s more of the first, which includes some of the second. For example, I consider smoking more of a show of who you are rather than something you do, and I couldn’t be happy with someone that I’d always hold in some form of disdain bordering on contempt. I don’t really see myself dating someone with kids because, honestly, I’m still on the fence about the objective pros and cons of parenthood (pro: aiding in the evolution and apotheosis of humanity by perpetuating my genetic line. con: the possibility of my beautiful children eventually siding with Flash Gordon and betraying me in my moment of triumph) and I’m just not comfortable in that situation right now.
One of the major hurdles is that if I don’t find someone attractive, that’s an immediate “not even going to be considered”. Yeah, I realize photos on a website aren’t indicative of how a person is in the real world. So there’s a lot of leeway. But if I look at a photo on a profile and physically flinch - that’s a deal-breaker.
The problem is when being contacted by these folks who y’know, through no fault of their own, are just not going to mesh with my plans for who I want to date - how do you politely say that to someone? The blunt truth of “Sorry, I don’t find you attractive” is out-and-out hurtful, and I think part of being a decent person is to avoid intentional maliciousness - but when the other options are to just ignore the email (I hate doing that, makes me feel like a heel) or make up a lie, it’s a rough area. How do other people deal with folks who, for some reason or another, don’t pass muster?
So I think also there’s a thing that comes down to, if you want to be with people you like, you need to learn to like people.
Like a lot of smart geeks, I was a cynical priggish misanthrope for a long time, the sort of person who would judge people at the drop of a hat and look down my nose at them for just about anything they did or said that I wouldn’t have agreed with. And I had a very enjoyable life in the company of the only person who could meet my standards, aka myself.
After a while, though, I mellowed out and became less judgmental and friendlier, and hey, other people turned out to be, great, too. Even, maybe especially, when they were nothing like me. Based on what you’re saying above about smoking, I think this is something you might want to think about.
(The kid thing is legitimately complex, in fairness; but I will say that if you’re not absolutely deadset against it, it’s maybe worth going a little out of your comfort zone there. It’s not like you’re going to end up accidentally married to a woman with kids, so there’s plenty of time for you to discover that no, it really isn’t something you’re comfortable with; or that yes, it’s actually not so bad at all. In fact, if you’re ambivalent about kids, dating someone with kids is a lot safer way to explore that than popping out one of your own.)
No eyeliner here. With my dexterity (see the Secret Santa thread and my attempts at gift-wrapping) any application of eyeliner would result in me looking like Tammy Faye Baker and would only attract transvestites built like linebackers. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Thanks for the well-wishes, everyone. It’s usually at this point that everything falls apart but so far that’s not happening.
The SO is pretty much the opposite of me in terms of being out. No one knows about him – not his friends, family, no one. But when we met Friday night he told me that when he was getting ready to leave the job site (he’s an electrician) he mentioned to his co-workers that he was meeting his boyfriend that evening. Their response was indifference and then to ask him if he wanted to grab a beer at the end of the shift. I asked him how he felt about telling them and he said, “Great. I felt great.” It was very cute and touching. :)
It’s cliche, but that just makes me go d’awwwww.
chase_j
6166
If you’re on an online site you gotta admit that looks do come first. I’ll be the first to admit that when doing a search I’m gonna look at the picture first before reading the profile. But having said that, I have found myself taking a chance on someone just because of something I read in their profile. My last relationship was with someone that didn’t look like anything I thought was my “type” but it turns out she was everything I could’ve asked for.
As for the emails, I would just answer politely saying I would be interested in a friendship only and would be happy to chat if they were still up for that. I usually blamed it on a change in what I was looking for i.e. friendship vs. relationship.
Huh. So this evening I get a Facebook friend request and message from a gal I went to high school with - went to a few dances together, never any involvement beyond friends or anything, but surprisingly nice to get the re-contact.
So after some chatting back and forth, turns out we’re both going to be visiting the old homestead for the holidays, so we’re going to get together for coffee and catch up. I’m maybe getting the idea there’s some interest beyond just catching up, so hey, see where it goes.
chase_j
6168
Best if luck :) but don’t look too much into it now or you might just get set up for disappointment.
Oh, I know better than that. It’s just nice, for a change. Even if nothing comes of it but two friends catching up, it’s been quite a long while since just… well, enjoying another person’s company, you know? Reminds me that it’s maybe time to get out into the world on a more semi-regular basis.
chase_j
6170
Yeah, I know the feeling of being able to enjoy someone’s company without expectations. I was with the best girl before, with her I could just be my normal slightly nerdy self, but I ended the relationship when she started getting way serious. I thought I wanted out. I regretted the decision after a week of missing her company but was too stubborn to go back. Instead I went into a funk and stayed there for months. Eventually I went back online and met the current girl I’m dating. I missed feeling close to someone. But I realize as nice as this one is, I want the other one back. Fml.
Lucky you! Sounds to me like there’s no downsides to the situation. Worst case scenario is you get to indulge in nostalgia over coffee. Better would be a short term “what might have been” fling over the holidays. Best would be . . . well I imagine you know what your best outcome is here :)
Obviously, the best outcome is sailing above the Himalayas in a zepplin, using crossbows and spears to fight off boarders with jetpacks, then crash landing into the hidden Buddhist temple of Zhong Zee and discovering the Chalice of Eternal Power.
I don’t know, I think exploring a cursed Nazi installation for Spanish gold is more of a first date activity.
Well, I do list my ideal first date activity on Plentyoffish.com as “Conquering Denmark”…
Is this other girl still in your social circle? If not, give thher a call and tell her this.* What do you have to lose?
*Okay, maybe not while you are dating someone. The ideal time to do this would have been after that week of regret. I get the whole stubborn/saving face thing, but sometimes you just gotta be honest.
chase_j
6176
I realized it wasn’t fair to lead the current girl on so we’ve parted ways. I’ve since contacted the ex, who I think was shocked to hear from me, considering she tried so hard to stay in touch but I blew her off. Turns out she is halfheartedly trying the online dating thing scene again. I’m thinking maybe I might have a chance, just trying to figure out how to approach things.
JMR
6177
Tankero
6179
Trying to read that is like being buffeted by waves of shrieking frustration, anger and not-so-hidden psychological trauma.
All that rant needs is “I WAS A CHEERLEADER IN HIGH SCHOOL DAMMIT!”
