6281

I’ll check in with my latest dating update. I moved back to NJ a few months ago, over the holidays I connected with an old family friend. There were IMO some sparks, we decided to get drinks before she went back to Hoboken but BLIZZARD interrupted.

Today I was heading up to Liberty State Park to do some photography (I suck at that, btw) and we were supposed to grab said drinks finally. Sadly when I texted her to find out where to meet she replied that she had a work emergency and would have to get a rain check.

On one hand that’s a total bail sign for me. On the other hand, knowing her folks and all, I do know that her work tends to do this - she gets called in on Saturdays pretty frequently. Supposedly we might try to do something next weekend; it’s up in the air still… I’m going to leave the onus on her to drive that one, I think.

6282

I think this might sound weird, but honestly, I think that signals a girl who has some concept of priorities. Depending on what she does, I’d call that an upside. Of course if she’s say, a secretary, not so much. If she’s a specialist of some sort, though, or in the medical field, good thing.

6283

She’s very much a specialist. So I’m not writing her off totally. It’s just sort of a warning sign, you know?

6284

Just remember, the moment you get married, her credit becomes your credit.

6285

I don’t think that’s true. The only stuff that ends up on both credit reports is stuff you either applied for together or one of you co-signed for the other.

EDIT: Well, her credit is your credit in the sense that if you apply for anything jointly, like a mortgage, they’ll both get looked at.

6286

That’s what I mean. Your scores aren’t combined, but both scores are looked at and usually given equal weight. So if you have a 795 and she has a 495, you’re not getting that new PT Cruiser (or whatever). I would know as much about her financial life as possible because it definitely will affect your life!

6287

That Xerapis dude doesn’t look half-bad!

6288

I responded to a wink awhile back, we met a couple days later and had dinner. I sent her a message after new years and never heard back (maybe my message sucked I dunno).

Still from what I’ve read about OKC and dating sites in general if a woman actually messages you its usually a good start. Since you’re still building up courage I say go for it even if you’re not interested in her, just be honest with yourself etc and go in with a positive attitude and such.

I dunno, I guess I find that once I’m talking to someone I don’t have too much trouble. I was with the same woman for 2 years so talking to a woman isn’t a problem its just meeting them, I’m bad at introducing myself to random people when I’m out, hence why I’m on OKC etc. Confidence comes with practice!

Exactly! I do find arranging a meeting sooner rather than later helps. Then you meet the person talk and decide where to go from there. The longer it gets drug out through emails or whatever the more I can over think it. Of course I say this and I’m going tonight with a girl that I spent like a month emailing back and forth before finally meeting in person, and I think it took two plus weeks of emails with my last girlfriend before we met in person (and this was in college and we went to the same school!) so what do I know?

6289

I sent her a message after new years and never heard back (maybe my message sucked I dunno).

Or quite likely she was in contact with other guys as well, and made a decision at some point. I’ve had a number of correspondences and face-to-face situations abruptly cut off, and I think it’s usually just a function of the fact that most people seriously “playing” the online dating game are giving themselves more than one option until something escalates to a serious relationship. Sometimes you’re the windshield and sometimes you’re the bug.

Exactly! I do find arranging a meeting sooner rather than later helps.

I agree. You can’t know, for one thing, if you click with someone until you’ve done a face to face. And if you don’t click, better to find out sooner than later and move on.

I’m hardly a pro at this but what I’ve learned after a couple years in the trenches (male side, obviously):

  1. Message EVERYONE whose profile you like. This is a volume business. There’s no downside; worst case they ignore you, which is no different than if you had never messaged them. If they are out of your league, who gives a shit? Send a message anyway and forget about it. Make each message specific & reference something in their profile if possible, include a question for them to answer if possible. Keep it brief, brisk, and friendly. Fire and forget.

  2. Constantly polish your profile. Check back, refine it, update it, get new pics done (I highly recommend getting a “real” photographer or at least a good hobbyist – good lighting alone makes a huge difference, shouldn’t be headshot-formal, but the main profile pic should make you look good), etc. It’s like anything else, it’ll improve the more you work at it, think about it, etc.

  3. Move to the face-to-face quickly. After a couple of email exchanges I usually suggest coffee, and usually (if they’ve been willing to communicate for that long) they say yes. They are not here to find pen-pals and neither are you. My feeling about every stage (from early messaging, to face-to-face, to when to move in for a kiss, etc.) is: always err on the side of boldness, but always back the hell off if you sense they want you to.

  4. Learn to evaluate whether you are attracted to someone without getting too personally invested. This is hard to do. I’ve had crazy visions of marrying people after 2 dates. Then it all vanishes into a puff of smoke. Dust yourself off, move on. Rejection is always easier to handle if you have a couple “backups” (i.e. people you are in the early stages of messaging, at least). My best results so far (including my gf last year) were people I originally labeled “backups.” Not flattering to them, but they don’t have to know about it, and anyway it’s as much a reflection on the randomness of timing as any intrinsic qualities a person has. Don’t get your hopes up prematurely, but view every encounter as an opportunity to hone your dating skills, to be as well-dressed and presentable and conversational and attractive as you can possibly be.

Confidence comes with practice!

Yes, yes, a thousand times yes.

6290

A female friend of mine showed me her inbox once…in two days she must’ve had over 30 messages. She told me she used to make it a point to answer each one (just to be nice) but then realized that’s not what it’s all about. So when she does take the time to message someone, it’s because she is REALLY interested in knowing more.

What she would always find odd were the winks she would get and when she did take the time to respond, got no response back.

6291

So she found what is typically the male experience to be odd, as did I.

That sort of thing wasn’t at all unusual from women in my own experience.

6292

Gee, thanks :P

6293

Well, that seems fairly easily explainable as the guy probably threw out a bunch of winks and someone bit before your friend did.

6294

Most likely. I told her why bother with the winks. How hard is it to string a few words together?

Tho I have to admit there were times that I wanted to say something to someone who had an interesting profile but for the life of me couldn’t think of anything that wouldn’t come across sounding fairly desperate or dumb.

6295

My reciprocated wink is working out pretty well - thanks for the support & tips, bluemax and Gordon. This whole thing is pretty stressful for me, but I intend to keep pushing myself.

Her initial response to my response was delayed for a week and when she apologized, she said she thought she had responded already – guess you guys weren’t kidding about their inboxes! Then she invited me out to a gig at a local place (she’s in a band) but I had my kid that night and wasn’t able to get away.

Thanks to some shameless sleuthing (I won’t mention it to her at this stage because it would sound pretty creepy, but she did disclose where and when she was performing so it was not that difficult) it turns out we have a mutual friend and hence, her Facebook profile is visible to me. Then she disclosed her kid’s school in a message and it looks like our daughters might be in the same class. Second time this has happened to me on OKC and I’m not sure how it makes me feel.

At this point I’m waiting to hear back about a counter-proposal for a future gig, and/or coffee or dinner or something. (Gah!)

6296

Good luck, barstein! Sounds like there may be some promise there.

The kids possibly being in the same class is weird. I don’t think it’s bad weird, just weird.

6297

My advice is to just not over think it. Don’t tell her you’ve e-detectived her, meet up with her in person for something casual and see how things go.

For my own personal update, I went on my first “second date” in quite awhile (I got out of a relationship awhile back, wasn’t interested in anyone else for awhile, went on a few first dates but no one grabbed my interest at first) last night. We met for drinks at a cool little local place (we both actually came up with the same place as a place to go). I think it went well, found out some more things we had in common and talked about things that might be fun to do together in the near future.

I honestly have no idea what I’m supposed to do next though, ha. My last girlfriend I met while in college, so the dating process was a little different.

6298

Another relationship ruined by WoW.

6299

Why not pick one of those things you discussed that would be fun to do and do it? Especially if she seemed interested in doing so.

6300

Yeah, that seems kind of obvious, even to my cloistered, non-dating ass (no time for love, Docta Jones).