To be clear, I’m not saying he shouldn’t be friends with this girl. But playing “the long game” using friendship as the path to dating is pretty much always just a wussy way of trying to sidle into a relationship without being overt about it, and it’s doomed to failure. It’s, as I said before, a classic nerd blunder. Not only that, but it’s dishonest and can be a little bit creepy. It is a classic symptom of the Nice Guy syndrome.
If he wants to be friends with this girl, that’s fine, but “be friends for now” is terrible advice. If he is interested in her and she gave him her number, then I for one say go for it! She isn’t married. Or don’t, but waiting it out is not at all a viable plan.
A while back Angie Gallant linked a pretty good article about this, but I couldn’t find the right one with a quick google. There are a lot of articles out there about why it’s not nice to be a Nice Guy.
It’s not pessimism, it’s just not wasting your time. She has a boyfriend, she goes off the list. Simple.
EDIT: Also what Cosmic Hippo said!
And they can’t just be friends and that’s it? Yeesh y’all are jaded. :P
And yeah, being a nice guy rocks. :P
I’d known my wife casually for a couple of years before any spark ignited; we’d been ball room dance partners, but that was it. I’d say definitely go for it, and damn the torpedoes; sure, relationships can be uncomfortable when they don’t pan out, but that’s no reason not to look for them.
In my case it was obvious I had to move fast once lightning struck (her Visa was soon to expire), but I think it’s generally true that such moments are fleeting and all too easy to look back upon as opportunity lost.
There’s Boyfriends, and then there are boyfriends. Which sort does she have? Is she always spending time with him, or is he halfway across the world and she only nominally has any attachment?
In a way it doesn’t really matter, as whichever goal either of you are after (if you even know!) the course is the same – call her up and ask her out on something that could be taken as a date, but isn’t necessarily a date. You’ll get a better idea then of how things are headed.
And yeah, what Cosmic Hippo said. Planning on being friends “for now” is a terrible idea; that never works out, and is quite distinct from being actually friends for a long time and having it turn into something more.
The long friendship -> relationship path is a windy, perilous path best left to Ice Road Truckers and their crazy Dangerous Roads spinoffs. At any moment you could plunge to a fiery or icy death (and sometimes both).
Or, basically… yeah a huge percentage of these never work for one reason or another. Unless you don’t mind being friends, but then what was the point? It’s just a huge waste of time and energy, which is best spent on other pursuits and activities. And you never know what could happen–at any second the other person could be, “Oh well let’s just be friends” and it’s the friggin’ trap that you not only willingly walked in to, you practically set up shop there and bought the real estate around it.
I’ve had one person I’ve dated turn into an awesome, amazing friend, but not friendship -> relationship. Yes granted they happen. But if you’re going into a relationship getting a friendship first, it’s just a setup for long-term failure.
— Alan
I was honestly just saying just be friends with no ulterior motives or plan to make it into a relationship. Yeesh.
VSys114
6369
Typical New Romantic drivel.
I don’t understand this thread anymore. You guys need to get to work having more meaningless single-person type sex. And then writing about it so us boring married people can live vicariously through you.
rolls eyes Whatever, jaded one. :P
Funny how the married guys always say “Go for it!”…
JM1
6373
But he’s interested. Enough to mention her in this thread.
Hunty
6374
Surely you can fancy a girl, get her number and have a friendly chat when you bump into her without pining over her every second of the day though, right? An attractive acquaintance who you keep up with, would be interested in if they were available, but live your life with no real designs on. There are options on the social continuum between “SHUT. DOWN. EVERYTHING” to “Nightly weeping into spunk-stained photoshop montage of her facebook profile shots”. Even the Qt3 social continuum, I hope.
I thoroughly do not advocate swooping in, boyfriend-be-damned, either. That’s pretty uncool in most contexts.
Maybe I’m setting the sights a little high, here.
JM1
6375
Sure, but the problem is here that he’s “getting mixed signals” so it’s clear that he doesn’t view her as just a friend. If it was clear-cut I’d be agreeing with you, but this is not a great situation and requires one of two things - either go for it or back way off, IMO.
WarrenM
6376
I generally approached that stuff with an attitude of “How would I want to be treated?” If some guy was making moves on my girlfriend, I’d be pissed off and rightly so. If she has a boyfriend, back off. Seriously. At least until you have a better understanding of what their relationship is.
Otherwise, if she gave you her number - CALL HER. The sooner the better.
jeffd
6377
Geez I really touched something off here with my offhand comment. The whole MIXED SIGNALS thing was typed with tongue firmly implanted in cheek.
Hunty is, IMO, basically right. So is Warren. I tend to be of the opinion that you don’t piss in another man’s pool; that kind of shit tends to boomerang back on you, karmically speaking.
bluemax
6378
I finally finished reading “First Date Smoochin’” pretty epic thread. Wish there’d been more follow up on how extarbags ended up getting married. Did he ever grow up and get some therapy or what have you?
VSys114
6379
I’m a Spinning Toe you are a New Romantic. Nothing personal. :D
No, I’m an optimist who tries to see the best in people. :P
