Aw man, that’s lamesauce. Probably going to be RIP OkCupid, I guess, and that’s a pity; Speak With Bread and I met on there, so it’ll always be dear to my heart.
Erik_J
6422
OkCupid was nice in a take it or leave it sense. The presentation wasn’t terrible, and it was free. Was a good time waster while I was using it. Shame to see it bought up by Match.
I really have no strong opinion about the quality of the various sites – they are, to me, just mechanisms by which I can find people. I confess most of the meta-quiz-personality-test-percentage stuff flies by me. I read profiles, look at pictures, send messages, and angle for face-to-face meets. Once I’m having coffee with someone it’s no longer relevant what site pointed me to them, or whether they are 22% Enemies with me, so I’m pretty agnostic about that. I’ve gotten results from OKCupid, Match, and EHarmony, though my best results have been on Match. I don’t think that makes Match the best site… just luck of the draw. Obviously free sites have no financial downside, but up to a point I’m willing to shell out a couple monthly fees in order to maximize my options.
Just to toss my hat in the ring:
If you are interested in the girl who has a boyfriend even though she has one, then go for it. If my girlfriend went on a date with some other guy, it wouldn’t be the guy who I’d blame. Even if it was a buddy, the betrayal would be far more hers than his, IMO.
With the girl who’s been a friend for a while, I think going for it is also a good idea, but you have to be very clear - it is too easy have an awkward/creepy situation if you are wishy-washy about your intent. Most people are reasonable and if she’s not interested like that and you can let it go and be mature, then it’s better to get that out of the way quickly than to let your attraction build by hanging out a lot.
I know a couple who were friends for years and the guy always liked the girl but never said anything, then one day she let him know she had feelings for him, despite him being in a relationship at the time. They are now married and though it sucks to be the other girl in that situation, it’s probably better for her too. In another similar anecdote, I have a friend who was in a long-term relationship when I met her. She seemed to be interested in me when she got dumped, but I had a gf at the time. When I got dumped, we started hanging out and I made it clear that I was interested. She told me she didn’t want to date because we were co-workers and we both dropped it and have been friends since then with very little drama.
WarrenM
6425
If you are interested in the girl who has a boyfriend even though she has one, then go for it. If my girlfriend went on a date with some other guy, it wouldn’t be the guy who I’d blame. Even if it was a buddy, the betrayal would be far more hers than his, IMO.
Am I reading this right? He should go for the girl with the bf because it’s really her that will be at fault for it?
Precisely. If she goes off with some other dude, hey, fair game.
So it is fine to date a girl someoen else is dating already if she agrees to the date?
That is not how I roll.
JoshV
6428
The problem with that is that I wouldn’t want to date someone who is willing to date other people while they have a boyfriend. I’ve known girls like that, and they tend to repeat that pattern of dating while in a relationship over and over. I knew a girl who could not live by herself, she’d basically move from one boyfriend to another, constantly getting kicked out of one place after the guy found out she was cheating on him, then move in with the new guy shortly after.
Um, yes. Obviously. Do you think women have like zero control over themselves, so that the instant a dude asks them out, they have no choice but to go along with it?
All a dude can say in that situation is “hey, I’m interested, what about you?” and if she’s interested back, well, that’s up to her to reconcile with her existing partner.
Right, well that’s certainly a concern and a valid reason not to get involved. But not getting involved for the sake of the other guy just doesn’t make sense - if she’s going to do that you are fairly irrelevant to it.
Editer
6431
Of course, if you’re interested in anything more than a quick fling with said girl, you now have to keep in mind that she’s the kind of girl who’ll cheat on her boyfriend.
All a dude can say in that situation is “hey, I’m interested, what about you?” and if she’s interested back, well, that’s up to her to reconcile with her existing partner.
I think it’s a question of nuance. You can express attraction & potential interest in the event that she should become free, while still respecting the current social situation.
Or she’s in an open relationship. They do exist, you know.
ZekeDMS
6434
Uh, guys, let’s not be shocked Ravenight gives creepy, dubious advice, he’s one of the thread’s PUA supporters.
For whoever it is that I can’t even remember is trying to figure it out, don’t. There’s no win if they’re together. You don’t get her or her friendship, or you get her but it’s built on an unstable foundation and you feel BAD about it. Relationships that start in affairs have a real tendency to end the same way. Or she drops you for a third party before things even start (even more common than a cheater picking one of the two to begin with).
Let her know that you really are interested, but you respect that she’s in a relationship now and would like to be friends. But that if something changes, you’d be interested.
If I’m irrelevant to whether a girlfriend is willing to dump her boyfriend for me, that’s not the kind of girl I want to be after. I don’t like the logic that “well she’s just going to do it anyway with someone else” and I would never want to be with a girl who was like that.
If a girl is having problems/doubts about her boyfriend and we form a really solid bond where she decides that I’m better for her, I think that’s fair ground to go for it. If you’re feeling good about it, I think it’s OK to express your interest and see what happens.
Hunty
6436
To some extent. But even in this context, frankly, anyone I’m interested in going out with ought to be mature and decent enough to sit down with their boyfriend and break it off properly, preferably not whilst I’m stood behind him giving encouraging thumbs up signs and pumping my hips. Ideally they’d then take a little while to assess what they actually want, rather than jumping straight into another relationship without even skipping a beat.
I’ve been happily out of the game for years now, but doing my best to maintain a bit of decency rarely stopped me getting what I wanted, and very much helped in the long run. Proponents of abdicating responsibility to her, “if it’s not me it’s someone else”, and all that sort of stuff just seem to be into post-facto justifying one’s own doucheyness in the pursuit of immediate gratification with the one girl that will ever do (because she smiled at me that time)™. Not the most solid ground for a more meaningful relationship.
WarrenM
6438
If a girl/guy is willing to cheat on their current SO to be with you, what in the WORLD makes you think they’re not going to cheat on you? Keeping that in mind will save you a lot of trouble in dating land.
That’s a question worth asking, but not necessarily a dealbreaker. If a person is cheating just because they are inherently unfaithful that’s obviously a problem. If they are cheating because they haven’t yet managed to extricate themselves from a relationship that is dying anyway, that’s not an issue.
I always make this distinction because my wife had a boyfriend when I started dating her. In her case, the relationship was only still ongoing because they lived together and she didn’t want to deal with all the hassles a breakup would entail in terms of moving, splitting up stuff, trying to find another roomie, etc. I convinced her to do it anyway. Twelve years later I still have no concerns about her fidelity.
WarrenM
6440
I’m glad it worked out for you and, yes, it obviously depends on context and circumstances. In the general sense, however, I feel that it’s good advice. If they’ll cheat to be with you, they’ll probably cheat ON you.
