That Internet dating thing

Scrax · 2009-10-28T13:29:32.000Z

Mark Asher:

There may be a “sheer volume of dudes” but women are always complaining about the difficulty in meeting good guys, so be a good guy. Look nice. Act nice. Be considerate. Don’t talk about yourself too much. Make yourself be genuinely interested in what she has to say, and that will show. People love to meet someone who is truly interested in what they have to say.

They say that, but they don’t want that.

They want the bad boy that ultimately won’t screw them in the end.

Shadarr · 2009-10-28T13:35:53.000Z

Or at least not in the wrong end.

Tortilla · 2009-10-28T13:39:29.000Z

Scrax:

They say that, but they don’t want that.

They want the bad boy that ultimately won’t screw them in the end.

Shhhhh.

You have to be PC on QT3 or the feminist posters brigade will get you.

balut · 2009-10-28T13:42:56.000Z

When I was doing a lot of online dating, I found it somewhat interesting how common courtesies could take so many women aback - little things like holding open doors (car and building), helping them into their chair at dinner, etc. apparently is somewhat rare. I mean, it was great for me, but gentlemanly courtesy seems like such a little thing, yet can really make a positive impression.

Mordrak · 2009-10-28T14:07:09.000Z

Well, when I’m on a date, I expect the woman to open doors for me, help me into my chair, etc. I’m paying by the hour. I expect my money’s worth.

Mark_Asher · 2009-10-28T14:32:43.000Z

MikeJ:

How can you make yourself be genuinely interested?

I don’t know. Put yourself in that frame of mind. Be receptive to it. People are generally interesting, at least to me. Maybe many aren’t interesting enough to want to continue to see and spend time with, but I don’t think it’s that hard to listen and be curious about another person.

Mark_Asher · 2009-10-28T14:44:32.000Z

Scrax:

They say that, but they don’t want that.

They want the bad boy that ultimately won’t screw them in the end.

It depends. Women like confident guys. The bad boys are usually quite confident. And some women are attracted to power, and the bad boys don’t have to follow the rules the rest of us follow. That’s a kind of power, I suppose.

jerri_blank · 2009-10-28T14:46:23.000Z

Mark Asher:

I don’t know. Put yourself in that frame of mind. Be receptive to it. People are generally interesting, at least to me. Maybe many aren’t interesting enough to want to continue to see and spend time with, but I don’t think it’s that hard to listen and be curious about another person.

But beware the person who will fall for you just BECAUSE you listen to them prattle on and on about themselves. That’s happened to me before. Girl didn’t need a girlfriend, she needed a therapist.

Enidigm · 2009-10-28T14:49:56.000Z

Mark Asher:

I don’t know. Put yourself in that frame of mind. Be receptive to it. People are generally interesting, at least to me. Maybe many aren’t interesting enough to want to continue to see and spend time with, but I don’t think it’s that hard to listen and be curious about another person.

You’ve never been on a boring date? I’ve tried dating younger women, and it’s … hard … trying to sit through why cheezy movie X is going to be so cool.

Enidigm · 2009-10-28T14:57:22.000Z

Mark Asher:

It depends. Women like confident guys.

I like reducing things to the stupidest common denominator. Women would rather say “no!” than be the one to ask “yes?”.

Mark_Asher · 2009-10-28T14:58:28.000Z

Enidigm:

You’ve never been on a boring date? I’ve tried dating younger women, and it’s … hard … trying to sit through why cheezy movie X is going to be so cool.

I’m talking more about an initial meeting. If you want to jumpstart a relationship with an evening long date, sure, you take your chances.

Anyway, the point I’m getting at is more about winning over someone. You may know after 30 minutes you’re not going to see this person again.

Mark_Asher · 2009-10-28T15:04:34.000Z

jerri blank:

But beware the person who will fall for you just BECAUSE you listen to them prattle on and on about themselves. That’s happened to me before. Girl didn’t need a girlfriend, she needed a therapist.

Sure, but we’re talking about an initial meeting or first date. You have the right to disappear forever when the evening is over. People who latch on are not your responsibility.

Enidigm · 2009-10-28T15:13:45.000Z

Mark Asher:

I’m talking more about an initial meeting.

I’m no Don Juan, but i feel like there are basically two poles on dating conversations; wanting to talk about themselves, vs. wanting the other party to talk about themselves. I suppose it’s sort of a sliding scale. Sometimes women aren’t looking for an ear, they’re looking for someone that has it together, does interesting things they’re not familiar with, has stories and experiences things they’ve never done, and are much more interested in hearing about that than getting you to listen about how they had another average day at the office (or similar) and haven’t had a real vacation in four years. I suspect to a certain extent it reflects what a woman is looking for in a relationship and her expectation on how relationships should work.

Mark_Asher · 2009-10-28T15:42:12.000Z

I don’t think anyone should go into a first meeting and expect to just listen. That’s bad too. I should have clarified. Yeah, you have to have a give and take.

If you’re doing the online dating thing, it’s actually an interesting topic in itself to discuss. The good and the bad and the weird of it. People usually have some good stories.

Shadarr · 2009-10-28T16:03:26.000Z

Mark Asher:

I don’t think anyone should go into a first meeting and expect to just listen.

You should be prepared to answer the question “What is your biggest weakness?” and give an example of a time when you had to think outside the box.

Mark_Asher · 2009-10-28T16:32:45.000Z

shadarr:

You should be prepared to answer the question “What is your biggest weakness?” and give an example of a time when you had to think outside the box.

Ha ha. No kidding. It really is like an interview.

NoWayJose · 2009-10-28T17:16:49.000Z

malkav11:

I’m stunned. Not only has a woman actually messaged -me- on OkCupid… you know, to start with (only the second time now), but she actually responded to my reply, unlike the other person. In a few more exchanges, I might actually have succeeded in striking up a conversation on a site where every single previous attempt to do so has met resounding silence!

You should copy and paste this post to her.

Scrax · 2009-10-31T15:34:53.000Z

Well dating ginger farmboy from OKC seems to be going well. The “taking it slow” method seems to be working out too. It wasn’t lust at first sight, so it has given me a chance to get to know the guy through friendship first. The whole “jump in head first, start fast/end fast, crash and burn” method doesn’t really work out for me. We’ve gone on maybe 3 dates a week for the fast 3/4 weeks, with a couple of “sleepovers.” Neither of us are really pushing the relationship angle, we are just enjoying ourselves without putting too many boundaries on the relationship. I’m growing rather fond of him, but I enjoy getting to know him before we force a relationship.

malkav11 · 2009-11-01T11:13:03.000Z

Aaand said conversation immediately went stillborn. Again. As have a couple of other contacts since then. Woo.

Shadarr · 2009-11-01T19:11:43.000Z

Had a woman message me out of the blue yesterday to say that she really liked my profile. That’s never happened before. We ended up chatting till after midnight and she claimed to really enjoy it, so this thing may have legs. Best part? She hates children more than I do.