The absolute dumbest thing you'll see all week: Godzilla vs. Kong

77 Tomato Meter can’t be real. Stolen election!

The Swarm has over 2k reviews on Amazon and something like a 4.5 star rating. The Swarm is not, nor has ever been, a good movie or anything approaching 5 stars. It’s hilariously and entertainingly dumb, perhaps, but it’s not 5 stars.

I think it’s a couple of different factors that leads to this sort of thing. (1) People say “I liked it” (and it’s ok to like something dumb!) therefor “top movie A+ on scale of whatever” and/or (2) memes.

That’s just my read though.

I may watch this over the weekend, but my expectations are low.

I understand a 21st century Cinematic Universe is never going to have the earnest stupidity of a guy in a monster suit rampaging through a miniature Tokyo, but still, what would be the right level of dumbness for a Godzilla movie?

For me, giant monsters, Atlantians, aliens, the monsters emitting a magic radiation that grows plants and shit, monsters that partially sustain on feeding on background radiation, breath weapons, magic dust, and nuking Godzilla to power him up to destroy King Ghidorah is the right level of dumbness.

A macguffin box that can summon Kaiju is sort of on the line. But I lived with that ok in King of the Monsters.

We’ll see if I think GvK crosses it or not (and in what ways, if so). I didn’t like Kong Skull Island very much, and Kong wielding an axe in the previews does not do it for me either.

Tastes will vary.

They can be pretty dumb but showering with bleach, a daughter that doesn’t mean anything x2, sci-fi mixed with Indian Jones artifacts, a child actor that does nothing but almost cry and still too much dumb humans and actors that can act but for some reason don’t when we could be focused on… monsters instead. I would’ve prefer like 20 minutes of the cobra fight over any of the footage of the weak sleuth group that served no purpose whatsoever.

Basically all Godzilla movies have a human plot that takes up a lot of the movie, even in the monster suit days budgets were an issue and it wasn’t all monster action all the time. A quick google gives me these onscreen times for Godzilla.

Screen Time
Rank Movie Time
1 Godzilla Vs MechaGodzilla II 0:26:56
2 Godzilla 2000 0:22:28
3 Godzilla Vs Hedorah 0:20:33
4 Godzilla Vs Destroyah 0:20:09
5 Godzilla X Megaguirus 0:20:08
6 Godzilla Vs SpaceGodzilla 0:19:38
7 Return of Godzilla 0:18:54
8 Shin Godzilla 0:17:23
9 Godzilla Vs Biollante 0:16:49
10 GMK: Giant Monsters All Out Attack 0:16:40
11 Godzilla Vs Gigan 0:16:12
12 Godzilla Vs Mothra 0:15:16
13 Godzilla Final Wars 0:14:55
14 Godzilla Vs King Ghidorah 0:14:46
15 Ebirah, Horror of the Deep 0:13:01
16 Godzilla (1998) 0:12:58
17 Godzilla: Tokyo S.O.S. 0:12:52
18 Son of Godzilla 0:11:56
19 Godzilla X MechaGodzilla 0:11:48
20 Godzilla Vs Megalon 0:10:24
21 Mothra Vs Godzilla 0:10:24
22 Godzilla (2014) 0:09:56
23 Terror of MechaGodzilla 0:09:34
24 Godzilla Raids Again 0:09:32
25 King Kong Vs Godzilla 0:09:13
26 Gojira 0:08:44
27 Destroy All Monsters 0:08:29
28 All Monsters Attack 0:08:19
29 Ghidorah, the Three Headed Monster 0:07:55
30 Godzilla Vs MechaGodzilla 0:07:55
31 Invasion of the Astro Monster 0:05:43

I feel like there was more in Skull Island for Kong, but maybe not. I mean I didn’t think Skull Island was great, but it was at least kind of fun with several parts.

14 minutes 30 seconds.

Well man it seems like they introduced Godzilla and Kong in those mediocre movies whereas this one they did what with them exactly… perhaps just more meaningful scenes then in the earlier ones.

Saw this tonight. Very dumb. Relentlessly, shamelessly dumb.

And it’s funny watching how the humans in the world become less and less important with each modern Godzilla movie. The one with Cranston was shot from the human perspective and showed the devastation and destruction that the monsters caused. King of the Monsters was much from from the monsters’ perspective but the whole point of the film was that the released monsters would kill billions of humans unless stopped.

In this movie? Humans don’t matter unless they are one particular child.

There is a SINGLE scene where a human manages to escape death, and it’s when an F-35 pilot manages to eject before Kong uses his plane like a lawn-dart. But 6000 sailors on an improbably-sturdy aircraft carrier? Not a single lifeboat shown after the ship is split in two by an atomic force-beam. 300 sailors on a destroyer? The movie actually takes some glee in showing their corpses spill out of the ruined hull as Godzilla pulls the boat to the bottom of the ocean.

And of course there are the 7.5 million people living in an around Hong Kong when Godzilla uses his atomic breath to burrow a hole 2000 miles down to the center of the Earth. Presumably they will all die of cancer in a few years if they weren’t crushed by the skyscrapers all falling on them.

Watched King of the Monsters last night and this tonight. The KotM action scenes were really good, and although there were waaaay too many characters, Watanabe and even Zhang Ziya did a great job. (Why was Zhang in that movie? That was totally random. And she just disappears in Godzilla v Kong, doesn’t even get a death sequence).

The fact Watanabe got killed off in KotM gave me a bad feeling about Godzilla v Kong, never a good sign when your lead actors in a movie series leave. Skarsgard is a good actor, but was really going through the motions here. Where were all the other monsters? Kong had one non-Godzilla fight which was over before it started. Come on, l wanted to see him fight that giant mammoth! Maybe that will be the next one.

Definitely the worst of all recent monster movies. Dumb upon dumb, and I can’t comprehend how anyone involved in decision making thought a runic magic axe for the King of Inner Earth was a good idea. WTF?

I always come back to King Kong 1939 and 1977 after watching a new mobster movie. Great movies, with plausible story and meaningful messages. 1977 Kong still an under rated movie.

I realize Pacific Rim is a ripoff off/homage to classic Godzilla movies, but this kind of seemed like a ripoff of Pacific Rim. Don’t they have to go to the bottom of the ocean to enter an alternate world to defeat the kaiju in that too?

Pacific Rim was really more of a live action Super Robot film inspired by stuff like Mazinger Z, Grendizer, Gaiking, Getter Robo etc. and slightly more modern stuff like Evangelion

Giant Robo too I’d say

I watched King of Monsters a couple of days ago because Tom said he ‘adored’ it. Not only was it the dumbest thing I’d seen in years, but the monster stuff sucked. CG obscured in weather effects. Weather effects obscuring monster fights is the monster movie equivalent of an action director who presents fights cut into a million pieces in the editing room, instead of a wide angle shot where you see all the action.

I just watched Godzilla vs Kong. It may be dumber? I don’t know, it might feel less dumb because King of Monsters didn’t know it was dumb, and GvK doesn’t seem to be concerned whether it’s stupid or not.

However the monster CG battles were vastly better in GvK. Clear, detailed, brutal, satisfying. King Kong employed awesome roundhouse punches and drop kicks. Since that’s all that matters: GvK was the superior movie.

The visible monsters and fight scenes made the entire movie for me. Enough to counteract the pointless human scenes.

They should get Henry Cavill for the next one and make a Witcher crossover. Clearly this world has too many monsters.

One thing I thought KoM did very well was Rodan, Rodan in that was badass. I kind of wish we got a Rodan movie.

The monster oddly I think KvG sets up next is Megalon, which is funny because he’s not a hugely popular one, but in the old movies he comes from an underground kingdom.

I really want a new Hedorah film.

More box office, Big Monkey and Big Lizard save cinema, Nolan am cry

I mean, Tenet opened with the pandemic in full swing. GvK is opening with vaccination numbers climbing and some states fully reopening (idiotically, but still). Would Tenet have done better under similar conditions of recovery? I’d bet so, but we’ll never know.