by Flowers & Bill Dungsroman
I dismiss other gods because only Crom grants revenge.
-Flowers, Hyborean Age Apologist
Excerpted from: Angels On Pins / Devils On Worlds, the soon-to-be-published memoire by Maurifleece “Flowers” Tzeyauchnefeszky, renowned time-traveling 25th century attorney, technothief, and pedomort.
You want to know what relaxes me? Not being such a fuckin’ pussy.
I guess I wasn’t clear, the only two activities in my town after five p.m. are drinking and drinking while driving. So it’s either videogames or laying the groundwork for plans of world domination. While I do enjoy gaming, I think that everyone here can agree that my first love is engaging in flights of fancy, wild speculation, and pathological stupidity. I like winning in court. I am riding the sulphur scented victor’s wind of three straight dismissals, prior to that, felony acquittal. I am forced to pull late nights so that I can verarsch people on the record. Also, I look for opportunities to relocate. I’m a lawyer, and there are lots of bad ideas about lawyers in pop culture, I think I will now refer to my profession as; STARCHILDE of the HAWKMISTER.
This is not entirely true.
I have totally snapped, I will confess, but I didn’t know that Theo was flexecuted by sexy until just now. So since I am wingnut copropirate pro tempore, I guess I should just say that I could feel the psychic reverberations through the ethernet, like a hundred or fifty souls laughed real hard and then stopped. I demand that Lum stop accusing me of being calm and rational. I’m Quasar, I shape light. Andrew Mayer? Andrew Mayer is a front for Diebold. Tim Elhajj? Who is Tim Elhajj? Does Tim Elhajj go by some other name? Who the fuck is that? Santa. That’s who. I nominate you Grand Randi of the Milky Way Galaxy, for your brave skepticism concerning even mundane matters. Children, if in fact they do exist, will look back and remember, if, in fact, we have reliable proof that the state of the universe at any given “moment,” in what we call “time” has a relationship with any other. When you place your faith in James Randi and Carl Sagan, and doubt the existence of Sasquatch, you infuriate the Sasquatch. Every morning of every day, for you to be safe, Carl Sagan and James Randi must continue to be right. Every single day, Sasquatch would have to not exist. On the other hand, Sasquatch only needs to be real once, and, odds are, after that day, you will have to start believing in spontaneous nut regeneration.
I would disclose my alleged paranormal experiences, except that if paranormal phenomena are ruled out as the cause, I am left as the prime suspect in a grisly string of murders and ferocious toe stubbings. Accept this fact, pal. (Brace yourself.)
FACT: Science is based on Star Trek. You are assuming too much when you assume that life can only spontaneously generate on a planet. You are going to feel like an asshole for saying that when the dimension striding streptocrats from Wagnerian Sean Connery make their pheasants known. Fucking sorcerors. Ok, Mr. Science, did you ever stop to consider that those weren’t twins you were studying, but rather the prime universe child and their negative zone doppleganger? Obviously the bodies are the same, but Dopamine makes negative zoners angry and aggressive. Takes two to tango, Space Ace.
And to “your” exploits, if it so happens that you are not simply a random pattern of phenomena that we have anthropomorphized we shall add the time you found someone’s claim of having a job that all Americans know a significant number of Americans to have by virtue of having seen so many trucks on so many highways so many times based on absolutely nothing at all.
(Part 2 will be posted this afternoon).