The "My Family is Nutso" Thread


That… doesn’t seem so bad. I think her mother was saying she would marry well? Given a choice of ruthless brothers, or a mom like that, I’d go with mom for sure.

Maybe I’m missing something about the word consort?


I think there’s usually a suggestion of a non-primary partner in the word (i.e. why not just use the word “marry” otherwise?).

I have a small story on my family’s side as well that’s more on the funny side. Korean families are traditionally Confucian and puts a heavy emphasis in families having sons. My mother has 4 siblings, with the son being the youngest.

My grandfather named all of his children and you can see him losing patience with his lack of sons as time went on from his naming sense.

Here’s the translated meanings of my mom’s name and my aunts/uncles.

1st Aunt - “Lady”
2nd Aunt - “Lady (slight variant)”
Mom - “Last Girl”
3rd Aunt “Another Girl”
Uncle “Male Root”

Both my Mom and my youngest aunt never use their legal names and go by aliases instead (my mom even took a new legal name as part of the US naturalization process) while my uncle was apparently bullied in elementary school as “penis head” :)


I think it’s like a royalty thing?

Or maybe it’s the meaning of consort that is the verb, consorting with criminals? I don’t know, but it’s just a fancy way of saying your partner is the king. It’s weird that it’s plural (kings), but maybe she is just emphasizing the fact of a royal partnership as opposed to individual monarchs?


The royal meaning of “consort” typically denotes a royal spouse with no direct line to the throne. For instance, Elizabeth is the Queen of England, and Phillip - her husband - is the royal consort… when Elizabeth dies, Phillip and his siblings have no right to the throne; only Elizabeth’s direct family (including Phillip’s son) do.


She meant, “You’re going to fuck even richer men than your mom did.”


Well my mom married 3 times. I am the product of the first, who left shortly there after. Apparently he lives in Missouri or somewhere with a daughter. Step dad #1 I don’t have any real relationship with at all since he was basically an angry drunk everyday as far back as I can remember and kicked me out of house after my mom moved out. Step dad #2 I still see during family holidays because he is still married to my mom and he has his own children from a previous marriage who are a bit older. He is good but by the time he married my Mom I was already past High School and no longer living at home. Basically this just means I didn’t really have a good father figure and my extended family changed twice over the course of my life because 99% of my moms extended family happen to all live on the other side of the country. The last time we visited them I was like 5 years old.

I’m just part of that weird pre-Internet latchkey kid era where I was left to my own devices by the time I was 10 or so.


My dad is a con-artist. He’s now been married 15 times, and he does it for the money. He once stole over $80,000 from an older woman, who was so pestered by him and his MoM buddy (guy who kinda headed the militia but was only in it for the $$$, useful idiots) that she faked her own death. When he found out about that, he was about as angry as you can get.

Anyway, when I was a young tyke, my dad freaked out one day and moved us to the depths of Montana, to a county 60 miles wide and 160 miles long, with a population then around 7K or 8K, and with not a single traffic light. “Pack the crap we’re going.” Later on I would find out that he did this with a previous family, too, and for the same reason…ratting out people who were very dangerous.

We lived in northwestern Montana without running water, phone, or electricity, and were incredibly poor, poaching most of our meat. One day some black SUVs pulled up into our driveway, which was located 4.7 miles up a dirt road. Men dressed in suits started getting out. My mom’s comment stuck with me, as she said, “Are those JWs? No…JWs don’t carry sidearms.”

Anyway, that’s when we found out about my dad’s ties to Eric Rudolph. Turns out we’d been neighbors with the dude for some time, and given my dad’s previous history of associating with people on Top 10 lists, the FBI was not impressed when dad vanished, and it took a little bit for them to track him down. His mistakes was going back to Montana.

As I grew up, dad would variously scheme against the FBI or be employed by them, the latter always for cash, which he didn’t really share with us much. Coincidentally, I went to school with a family involved in that federal refuge standoff in Oregon, too. Nice enough family, but man they hated Bush worse than I’ve seen people hate just about any president ever, and of course a little weird.

There are more stories, of course. For example, one time he convinced a woman to move to Ireland with him, where he then took all the savings they (she) had and absconded with it and all of her identification (back long before the internet), leaving her quite stranded. He still laughs about that, because she cheated on her husband with him before leaving that poor guy, so in his mind she had it coming. Weird sense of justice.

And of course there was the time when he got a retired colonel to marry him, then got caught cheating. I got to hear the transcript from that 911 call, as she came through the door after him, chopping at it with an axe, while he yelled for the dispatcher to get the sheriff out fast because it was, in his words, “like the shining.” By that age I was a paramedic, and Montana’s pretty small, so a lot of people quickly figured out that I must be related to that particular caller. (We have a very weird last name.)

Anyway, we are not much alike. He is an atheist, whereas I am not, and he is much more handsome than I am, which has often caused him some distress when I’ve dated women who are prettier than what he believes I should be able to get. I remember once he called me up when I was with family, and I had him on speakerphone, and he went on a tirade saying something to the effect of, “Look, I just see on facebook that you’re with this Sasha girl, and I have to be honest, she’s almost a model, at least from the pictures, and I don’t get it. I mean with Sarah, well she was bar trash and good for a cuddle, so that’s easy for me to get, but Sasha seems really decent, and gawjus, so I don’t understand how she can be with you. I can see her being with your brother, but not with you. How did you snag her?” In his mind, this was the loftiest of compliments.

I guess I should also mention that he’s almost 70 and still benches over 300lbs, runs with a sled filled with rocks tied to him, and likes picking fights with “young punks,” as he’s incredibly good with practical fighting and very dangerous in a confrontation. But he has to be, because he uses his mind, strength, and looks, all of which are exceptional, ultimately to harm others who he deems unfit.

Haha. Anyway, it was an awesome childhood in many respects. I wouldn’t change it for the world. Would love to see my dad get involved in the morality thread in P&R here. It’s a whole other dimension.


Thread over. Hal9000 won. When is the movie adaptation of his life coming out?


How do you know it hasn’t already? Goddamn. . .


Refer to the Movie section for “Polar”


Your memoirs are gonna be amazing, between your dad and all the crazy cool wilderness trips you do! Sign me up for a first edition.


Yeah, thread over.

Unless… ?


What’s JW stand for?


Jesuit Warrior? No idea.


Jehovah’s Witnesses?


Jehovah’s Witnesses. It is true that I have never seen them carry sidearms, at least openly.


Yeah, generally not. But remember, this was Montana.

I was going to say that I think he’s already been here, but naw, your dad sounds much more entertaining.

Awesome post. If you’d care to tell more of those stories, I think you’d have an audience.


Yes, JWs are Jehovah’s Witnesses. Dad really never cared much for them, so he’d have been more upset at seeing them than the FBI, anyway.

@tortilla @ineffablebob the various “accidental” and planned children (that we know of) have gotten together and exchanged stories. We’ve considered writing a book. :P

@Giles_Habibula very true. We were pretty much always armed. Once had a bear break down a door in the middle of the night, which was pretty scary, as we couldn’t exactly flick on a light switch. To our credit, we did attempt to eat it, but I thought it was a nasty, greasy flavor for burger.

You’d like that he’ll never drink a beverage that has left his eyesight, as he’s afraid of poisoning. He never went to Vietnam and claims that he was hired to distribute drugs throughout that period of time, going all over college campuses. Who knows if that’s true, though, because he also maintains that you have to keep working out to be strong, and to keep lying to be a good liar. He believes that you should be able to make yourself believe your own lies.

To that effect, he will introduce himself to people by a totally different name, usually “Jim Barnes,” which creepily enough my brother sometimes does these days, too, and as an example of “lying to stay in shape,” he once ranted to me about a flat that he got because “those *@&#ers graded the road again, wish they’d leave it along.” Later on that day I needed to go to the cabin, so I drove up…yeah, not graded. Just him keeping in shape.

He also likes to remind people that he never forgets a wrong. My brother told me that once dad told him that they needed to go to town, and so he hopped in the truck. As they were going down the road, dad said, “Remember how Jeff stole our generator? I just let that go, son. You’ve got to learn to let things go.” At this point, my brother was surprised because dad usually has very, very bad advice when it comes to being wronged. “Because if you just go after them, it’ll be more dangerous, because it’s fresh and they’re expecting it. So I’ve found a way to get him to stop by the office. He’ll be on our property, and he doesn’t know who I am. He’s not expecting it. We’re going to teach him a lesson that he’ll never forget.”

Luckily my brother managed to stop that one. But dad does go to bars and loves to get guys drunk, then get them to throw the first punch, after which he totally crushes them. He primarily does this for some perverse joy he gets, but he also loves taking women from them and bedding them.

There’s a lot more. He once organized an Aryan Nations event with the goal of targeting one, specific person for the feds, and I got to go on a vacation from the money he got from that, as he was feeling generous. :) Despite being racist, he thinks that skinheads and the like are total idiots and should be fleeced. Us kids recently had DNA done and found out that we have some Ghanan blood, which freaked him out, though he now claims that this explains his bad decisions. Oddly, though, he keeps a lot of non-white acquaintances…he just looks down on them.

He is currently seeing a woman 20 years younger than him. Good genetics.


I’m guessing he’s a Trump fan.

That’s actually funny.

So it sounds like you kids turned out completely different from him. How did that happen?


Good genes.