The Passion of the Christ: The Videogame

Developers, I’m curious to know: if you HAD TO (or if someone offered you ten million dollars to, which is the same thing), how would you handle the official POTC videogame adaptation?

How the hell would you make a game like that? Beat Jesus mini games?


Well that’s why it’s such a design challenge. I bet Dave Perry could pull it off.

Sure, and you’d sell it as edutainment.

The only thought I’d had was that instead of GAME OVER it would say IT IS ACCOMPLISHED.

It’s not in the movie, but I think it would be a lot of fun to exorcise demons from people and into pigs, then drive the pigs off a cliff.

like Herdy Gerdy meets Lemmings!

2d platformer.

Runner up: fighting game.

I’m seeing a Sims expansion, where you get to shop for various styles of crosses, and the mob jeers at Jesus in Singlish, and then Pilate pees on the floor because you forgot to tell him to go to the bathroom.

2d platformer.

Yeah - set after the resurrection. ‘He’s back and he’s pissed!’
Jesus could shoot nails out of his palms (okay, or wrists you anal fucker - like Spiderman).

I’d just slap Jesus into the Enter the Matrix engine.

I figure if I’m going to work on a project that’ll ensure me a place in hell, I may as well go for the gusto.

I don’t think you’re allowed to say “Jesus” and “anal fucker” in the same sentence. Unless you want to go to hell.

Save me a seat.

It wasn’t originally intended to mean ‘somebody who fucks anuses’, but rather an ‘anal person who is a fucker’. I saw the problem, but didn’t bother to fix it because it seemed to work pretty well regardless. I’m hoping that the anal fucker comment being in parentheses will let me off the hook.

If I were any good at making flash games I’d do it right now.
… but because I’m not, I’m sure someone will read this and make one . It’s not like they can’t get sued for copyright can they?

Bart: When I’m feeling low, you know what always cheers me up?
Todd: Is it love?
Rod: Kindness?
Bart: Ooh, tough room. Videogames! Whaddya got? [grabs a
videogame off the shelf, and reads the title] “Billy
Graham’s Bible Blaster?”
Rod: Keep firing; convert the heathens!
[cut to a pixilated video screen. Heathens cross the
street, as a Bible gun shoots the Holy Book at them. When
a heathen gets hit, he turns into a conservatively dressed
man with a halo]
[cut back to the boys]
Bart: Got him!
Rod: No, you just winged him and made him a Unitarian.
Todd: Look out, Bart! A gentle Baha’i!
[cut back to the video screen. A Baha’i, sitting cross-
legged and wearing a turban, floats past. Bart zaps him,
and turns him into another suit-wearing conservative]
[cut back to the boys]
Bart: All right! Full conversion! [puts his arms around Rod
and Todd] Thanks guys, this really cheered me up.
Video: Second Coming! Reload, reload!
Todd: Can we play now?
Bart: We are playing. We’re a team.
Rod +
Todd: [pause] Yay!

Stolen from

Probably the least objectionable/controversial way to do it would be as a historical “adventure” that cast the player in the role of a supporting character. There wouldn’t be a lot of actual gameplay involved (what, you break into Calvalry with a force of elite Zealot stormtroopers and save Jesus’ life?) but you could probably do a halfway decent Myst-style “you are there” sim.

Or if there was an insistance that the game match the movie, I guess you could be Jesus and the game flagellates you in pornographic detail for 2 hours. Rockstar could do it!

Or you could make it as a Morrowind sequel.

“An empire in decay! A long-prophesied messiah uncovered and betrayed! Choose your destiny in the tumultuous land of Judea, filled with mystery, murder, intrigue and magic! Will you become a Jewish Pharisee, a Roman centurion, a Greek merchant, an Arab Bedouin, or a Parthian Raider? Will you worship pagan gods in luxurious Roman temples, pour libations on the Temple Mount, or follow an exciting new faith whose very survival is threatened?”

Of course, being Morrowind, all the NPCs just stand around all day waiting for you to talk to them. Wander around enough and you can find Jesus hanging on his cross outside Jerusalem. When you go to speak to him, he says:

"Thank you for speaking to me my son. You will be with me in paradise. But, i need you to deliver this important message to Peter for me. Please, hurry, i haven’t much time left…

Added Letter to Peter to inventory"

It’s clearly a Blizzard RTS, Jesus is the hero unit. Use your small group of Roman support soldiers who hold just enough people back so that Jesus can get from point A to point B and then use his one-use power “Redeem Humanity”. Ten minutes after it ships some Korean dude has figured out a way to cast RH ten seconds after the game starts but it doesn’t matter because everyone is already spamming Jews and using extra crucifixes to impede the soldiers’ progress.

I can’t wait until they make a movie based on the game.

Someone already made this; it’s called Bible Adventures for the NES. You know, Noah carrying around cloven hooved animals.