Long story. Grab some popcorn and/or beer.
I’m playing TF2 trying to get some good replays of teams failing. Bad teams are abundant, but good replays are hard to get, since they’re contained to one life.
I’m playing a Blue medic on the final stage of Goldrush, and just the first minute of the replay will make for a good video. I’m trying to build an ubercharge, and no one will stand still. Everyone I try to heal takes that as a cue to jump around and run away. Including the scout who stands there for 40 seconds beating me with his bat. Why? I mean seriously, why? Is this some kind of come-on? And when I start healing him, THAT gets him to run away. What’s wrong with these people?
The round starts, and no one wants the uber. We’ve got a demo, two pyros and a soldier, and they’re MIA. I’m standing there looking for a good candidate, and finally our demo dies and comes running out of our spawn. I hook up with him and he seems to get the message.
We run out to the cart and I trip the uber. We take out a sentry, engy and soldier and drop down to get the cart moving. I switch to my melee weapon because spies are ALWAYS on the cart, and sure enough, I melee one and needle another before switching back to healing. This is going to be a pretty sweet video.
I usually play agressively and sit on the cart until someone kills me, but I want to keep this going. I hang back a few yards and heal our cart pushers while they get bombed with spam. We push the cart over the first capture point, and I still haven’t died yet.
The door from Red’s initial spawn point is still open, and there’s a sniper hanging out inside. I back off and wait for our demo or soldier or someone to take the guy out, but no one notices him. I switch to my needle gun (which I know is futile) and fire a few rounds into the cubbyhole, which actually prompts the sniper to jump out and come running for me. Thankfully, three teammates arrive at that exact moment and kill him, and I still haven’t died this round.
Meanwhile, the Red spawn door near the first point is still open. I catch a quick glimpse of a demo lurking inside, and I’m amazed no one else on Blue has noticed this, because the first thing you usually do after capturing the first point is to clear out that closet. I load up my gun and run by, expecting him to run out after me, but now I don’t see him in there, and I catch up to my teammates pushing the cart.
We’re clear to the second point, and now I’m just paranoid that a spy is going to backstab me and ruin this replay. I’m healing everyone I can as we push forward, trying to keep my back against walls and not leave myself vulnerable. We cruise through the second point and keep chugging ahead.
Now there are about 5 Blue on the cart as we push towards the final turn, and I’m still focused on not getting backstabbed. The cart reaches the corner, and I have an uber ready to go, so I link up with our pyro and emote GO GO GO.
The pyro is clueless, stoned, or both. In response to my saying GO GO GO, he… runs backwards. There isn’t another damage class around, so I have to wait for him to start moving forward and I’ll trip the uber and hope he knows what to do.
It takes him 5 seconds – which seems like an eternity – before he starts moving back towards the corner at the final turn. Finally, I reach to trip the uber, and … get backstabbed.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
Sigh.
I respawn and run out of our spawn point… and get blown up by the demo who was hiding in the spawn closet at the first point. He’s spawn camping our point pretty effectively, and probably racks up 5 or 6 kills before he runs away for a health pack. Good job, Blue. Not even looking to see if the spawn closet was closed has now killed all our momentum.
I switch to heavy, because it’s become clear we don’t have a damage class on our team worth a damn. I start another replay and trudge all the way out towards the second capture point, which has become the new choke point. There’s all sorts of spam being flung at the second point, so I run up the stairs on the left to the little alley thinking I might be able to flank Red players below.
I’m right. There are six or seven Red hanging out here, and I open fire. I kill a pyro, scout and demo before they notice where the bullets are coming from, and, not wanting to engage the rest of Red by myself, I drop out the window into the underground mine shaft and wait for anyone to chase me. No one does. In fact, over voice chat, someone says “ha ha, the heavy fell down the hole” but no one comes down after me.
I run through the underground path and take the stairs to the right, leading up to the final capture point. I’m look to the left at Red’s spawn point waiting for people to come running out. No one does. I look above me to the right for a sentry to guard the final point. There is none. At the top of the stairs, it’s just me, the cart, and a medic who’s healing his teammates around the corner and has no idea I’m there.
I unload on the medic, carve him into little tiny pieces and start pushing the cart home, waiting for Red to come running any second. 5 seconds passes, and… nothing. 10 seconds … no one. I’m now a few yards away from the finish, and a Red soldier comes out of his spawn … and runs back in. He’s not even going to try and stop me.
I’m inches away from capping and a Red demo comes rounding the far corner from the second point. But he’s got no chance, and I win the match and get MVP and get to enjoy a bunch of people on voice chat going “WTF just happened?”
And so, feeling maybe a combination of pride and douchebaggery, I tell them.
“What happened was the heavy you were laughing at actually dropped through the hole on purpose, and not one person on Red had the common sense to chase him” “Then I spent 15 seconds pushing the cart to the win and not one person on Red noticed it”
And so, after a few people finished calling me gay and cursing me out, I dropped from the server, excited to start editing what will probably be two of the better videos I’ll ever record.
But Team Fortress 2, as I’ve found over the years, hates my guts. If I’m not stuck on a team with dumbasses, autobalance usually takes care of that by switching me in the the last 5 seconds of a match when there’s nothing I can do to affect the outcome. And now that I’ve carried this team on my back to a win, TF2 must still have its revenge:
The replays won’t download.
They just keep saying “downloading” “waiting” and nothing. After an hour, they still won’t appear.
Fuck you, TF2.
