The True Confessions Thread

I was reading the pole vault thread and thought it might be fun to have a confession thread. Everyone likes to read a good confession.

If you’re wondering if you should participate, keep this in mind: Confession is good for the soul! To hell with your privacy. Tom needs compelling content if this site is going to be on the Internets forever.

Here’s mine: When I make a #2 at work, I always use the handicap stall, even though I have no physical disabilities. Fuck it! My comfort is important, and I need room to think.

One time I came out of the stall and there was a dude rolled up in a wheel chair, waiting for me to finish. I was like, “She’s all warmed up fella!”

Kitsune once drank pee.

Confession: I once sat outside Tim’s bathroom stall in a wheelchair to make him feel guilty.

When I was a skinny teenage virgin way back in the 80’s, I used to lie to my friends about having had sex.

Phew, glad I got that off my chest. The shame has lifted.

P.S. I prefer the handicapped stall too - I don’t like to be crowded while I’m doing my business. Plus there’s room to spread open a newspaper.

This is amusing, but not a confession. I am going to see if I can lobby Tom Chick to make the confessions mandatory.

They should be part of the screening process and posted in a stickied thread in P & R.

Shouldn’t confessions be things we didn’t already know?

I was named after Bob.

Well now I have something to confess. My earlier post was a lie. Everyone wins!

Or you can go here.


In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max’s toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog…When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I went nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out…But the worst thing I ever done – I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa – and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.[/I]

I set my friend Phil on fire, I made a student campus diversity group give a megaphone to a hatemonger, I counterprotested a Teacher’s Union Strike, I sued a nonprofit charitable agency and then I spent the money they probably had earmarked for getting Al Gore elected on the same kind of double necked six string/twelve string electric guitar Jimmy Page has.

I once made a tape of me singing a bunch of songs about a guy who wrote a textbook on public speaking and sent it to that guy, I’ve won a bet where a guy had to type a paper for me by seducing an ex-girlfriend and then after I won the bet I kicked her out of the room so he could come in and type. A girl performed an interpretive dance about how much she loved me and I promised not to tell anyone but I did tell some people.

I sent the information of one of my gradeschool teachers to a cult for recruitment purposes, I flunked keyboarding class, twice. I put bacon in my roommates underwear, procured a television set to give to my friend for his birthday just so he could throw it off of a balcony.

I have dressed up my in people clothes on several occasions.

<deleted because the other confessions are lame and I’m not going to be the only one>

That’s pretty f’ing intense, ElGuapo.

Not only do I use the handicapped stall to take a dump, I use the handicapped stall in the women’s bathroom! Of course I work at an IT company, so it hasn’t caused any problems yet, so not really embarassing. I just like my privacy.

As far as other confessions go, nothing particularly stunning. Just a lot of treating people badly because it amused me at the time, shitting my pants when I was a kid, jerking off into girls’ bathing suit bottoms at summer camp then telling them and laughing, making strippers cry, banal stuff like that.

Who was the guy that worked as a bellhop and masturbated outside of peoples’ rooms while they humped away? I think that thread was on this forum a couple of years ago. That was pretty hilarious.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

I’m a moron. I get two days a week off, Wednesday and Sunday. I’m usually a wreck Saturday night after working the early shift, so Tuesday night is the only real night I get to stay up late playing video games. But I have destoryed Tuesday nights so many times I’ve lost count. I get home, eat, watch a little TV, feel sleepy, lay on the couch, next thing I know it’s 2AM and I haven’t playing one minute of GoW/RB6V/Halo 3 Beta.

I am so dumb. Everytime I say “I’ll never ‘just close my eyes for a minute’ ever again!” And I just did it again tonight. Fuck me.

Just so we’re clear, I was quoting that from the site Euri was sending us to. It’s not my memory. Or if it is, it was implanted and I’m a replicant.

I was too lazy to appropriately respond to an IT call (personal friend) when her internet connectivity problem mysteriously fixed itself, broke again, fixed itself, broke again, and then was fine for a while, all I was while on the phone with her during a fifteen minute period or so. Cords were all firmly in place, she said, lights correct etc. So when it was fine for a few minutes, I didn’t go over. “Oh, I have ants,” she said at one point, but I thought no biggie, since she could reach the internet, and I hung up. Thirty minutes later, she called again, while I was cooking a fish for our kid and I. “Okay, I’m going to be sick. I picked it up to clean it, and there were ants crawling into and out of the Comcast modem. They’re living in there. So I cleaned them out, and then I lost it. Ooooh, I gotta go, I’m going to – CLICK”. Presumably vomiting was forthwith and sure enough when I called her back ten minutes later, that was clearly the case in her voice.

*** NOTE: This user is offline. Your messages will be received when he/she logs into Yahoo! Messenger.
*** “her” signed on at Tue May 29 17:10:23 2007.
her: i’m on
her: i don’t know what happened
*** “her” signed off at Tue May 29 17:14:05 2007.
*** “her” signed on at Tue May 29 17:18:15 2007.
*** “her” signed off at Tue May 29 19:05:09 2007.
*** “her” signed on at Tue May 29 19:11:09 2007.
her: omg
her: :-&
her: that was very nice of you to call comcast
her: i’m still recovering from accidental horror experience
her: oh my god
her: never in my life
her: not since elephant trunk split open full of worms
her: have i ever been so violently disgusted
her: putrid
me: are they red or black ants?
her: black
her: please
her: i can’t really stomach it
her: i’m trying to put it out of my mind
me: well i’ve managed to uncover a pattern, thanks in part to you.
me: it’s all over the internet
her: oh god
her: really?
her: so it’s happened to other people?
me: “This is stage one of their plan. Today, get computer literate. Tomorrow, inherit the Earth.”
her: ha ha
her: seriously
her: is it a thing?
her: or am i unique?
me: it’s a mac thing
her: oh
her: well i have hp
her: and it was a comcast modem
her: was that a joke?
her: i don’t have much of a sense of humor
her: right now
her: so disgusting you can’t imagine
her: i was totally unprepared for what i uncovered
her: can’t talk about it
me: hah
me: please photograph it [EDIT: the modem and the ants]
her: NO!
her: you’re sick
her: aefhaiowlefhawoew
her: [atwE
her: i cleaned it up
her: why are you making me relive it?
her: stop asking questions
her: please
me: i guess i just feel badly that ants were a cause for so much bad feeling.
her: ok
her: that’s is ENOUGH!
her: seriously
her: i’m going to get ill again
me: i’m sorry
her: it really really really upset me
her: made me re-live that childhood horror
her: stop stop stop
her: i’m sure you can imagine what it looked like
her: and you can be sure i destroyed it as soon as i discovered it

This was all earlier this evening, but everything sorted itself out in the end. However, I did make the mistake of telling my kid about the kid with the spiders living in his ear. This has spawned a whole thing now. Then later she asked me if the Tartars were midgets, since they were supposedly very short.

Ma, I’m beginning to like this kid.