Things that could be done to improve supermarkets

I think bunnies would improve supermarkets.

Think about it! As you get your basket or cart-pushy thing, you also pick up a fluffy bunny as a companion. You can pet this nice soft bunny for comfort as you shop. If you run into a rude customer the bunnies are trained to poop on command. You just throw the bunny at them and say, “Poop, bunny, poop!” and there you are.

Bunnies would definitely improve supermarkets. What else?


Clocks and easily accessible exits.

An “Over 20, Under 60” age enforcement.

No more fucking checks accepted.

A $1 charge for every item past 10 that you have in the express lane.

Laser cats.

High-speed motorized shopping carts for everyone.

Divide each aisle into 3 lanes. An express lane in the center so I can keep moving, and two “I stop randomly” lanes either side for the browsers. Anyone stopping in the express lane or blocking it, gets thrown out of the supermarket and banned FOREVER.

+1 to Marcus’ no checks rule.

Also, the self-checkouts I used to have in the UK, ie decent ones, not the shitty useless ones you get here in home depot and savon.

How about RFID tags that are deactivated upon leaving the store for all your items, you just push your cart through the scanner, swipe your credit card and you’re out the door.

Also as a “large volume purchaser” since I work 70 hours a week and have three kids, I only go to the store once every 2 weeks but spend about $200.00. I’d like to see supermarkets work like financial institutions where the large dollar customers get better service.

I could see supermarkets doing it too except for the fact that the small purchases consist almost completely of liquour, cigarettes and lottery tickets and other high margin items that they would hate to lose business on.

Strict “X checkouts open for every Y shoppers” policies.

An ‘I-have-coupons’ lane so normal people aren’t trapped.

More free samples! I hate shopping on an empty stomach!

I would go even farther than that.

Break a deal, face the Wheel.

I furiously clicked on this thread to post exactly that. People seem to think the supermarket is some kind of free daycare and leave their wailing offspring and confused ancestors blocking the aisles.
And it’s worse if the age challenged have gone there by themselves to buy some stupid thing. Because they are always the ones paying in cash, scraping for the last goddam cent coin, not finding it and then taking ages to pick something to leave behind while my freezed stuff melts.

And there should be shopping cart driving licenses. Can’t drive it properly? Hire someone who can.

Some of these ideas need improving.

Warps in hidden spots! “Oh look, I need some noodles!” Zmmmm “Ah man, I’m outside the store again, hope they don’t think I’m shoplifting.” Also, waterslides.

And we’re going to have clocks, they should make them grandfather and coo-coo clocks. With hard wood paneling for floors instead of that yucky plastic tiling.

I strenuously object to the Over 20 requirement, as kids rock and make nearly everything better. However, I think we can do something about the grandmas…

…rocket chairs! If they try to enter, a chair chases them bowls them over, straps them in and then rockets come out of the bottom, jet them out of the store and back into their modes of transportation.

I thought this was already the case. Are there any that accept checks? Is this regional? How many stores in general accept checks anyway?

Nah, it would be much better if people were made to wear a huge orange and purple hate with a neon blinking sign that flashes, “I have coupons” and plays the jingle from Super Mario Bros. when you get a star.

Awesome. You two obviously know how to run a supermarket.


Supermarkets in the US still take cheques because so many of their customers were born before 1960 and still use them. Apparently, standing there for 15 minutes and writing out a cheque by hand is a direct cause of balancing one’s accounts; whereas quickly swiping an ATM card and keeping the receipt results in your bank balance being all out of whack. Or something.

I would be in favor of a “cheques only” lane, similar to the express lane.

A separate foodstamps line. It always seems like when I am in a hurry there is a WIC mom in front of me who has to divide her shopping up into 20 different sections because of the convoluted policies aid has.

For the most part I don’t have to deal with it anymore in VA, as most of the grocery stores have self-checkouts.



Fewer twenty-something losers.

Sorry, but if you can’t stand kids or old people, you should join the Army and see the world.