Things you should never, under any circumstances, ingest but are technically food


It’s not even a novelty–White Castle’s been doing chicken rings for ages


Let’s talk about Whole Foods for a sec before I get to my point. The one near me happens to be the one actual grocer on my direct route home. It replaced a beloved local chain that was low cost (and low choice) that had fallen off in business, so when it was put in, the astronomical cost of going to Whole Foods for anything more than an item or two put me off using them. They do have some nice products, don’t get me wrong. But one of the things I detest is that it’s not just the organic and natural things they push. It’s the near complete negation of any large brand or branded products, and the exclusion of things that are commonly needed, but, you know, not in organic world, apparently. Sure, I could go elsewhere, but that’s 20-30 minutes of traffic on a good day, and I’m in a rush to get home because the commute was overly long anyway.

Which leads me to coffee creamer. My girlfriend LOVES flavored coffee creamers. Yes, they have added sugars. Yes, they will probably kill us. Who the fuck cares, it’s for coffee, and when you need it and you’re out, you hunt that stuff down, ASAP.

But not at Whole Foods. Oh no, they know better, for us. We don’t need that stuff. What we apparently need is almond milk that’s flavored. Or perhaps coconut milk that is flavored. I mean, sure, they have half-and-half and cream. But if you want flavors, nope. If you want flavored non-dairy creamer, nope.

So to end my rant, this shit annoys the hell out of me.

This was my least evil option from whole foods. It pours out viscous, the consistency of oil going into a car. But it’s tinged brown, looking like the chocolate milk of your youth, but one that’s gone bad and started getting clotted. It smells vaguely … flavored. It tastes of, vaguely sweet, and oh so vaguely cream-like. You end up pouring more in, especially because it doesn’t fucking cream your goddamned coffee. But that just cranks up the vague flavor to 11, meaning, not really sweet and not really what you’re looking for. So then you add a fucking packet of Splenda to get it where you need it. But it’s still not creamy. So then you break open the half-and-half you hopefully have to get it where it needs to be, hoping your half-and-half hasn’t gone bad because you haven’t used it in forever.

Fuck. This.

I’m drinking crappy coffee this morning and I’m angry and sick of almond crap passed as milk. If you have dietary needs to have to use it, more power to you, but I’m out.

And then I check the news online this morning and see this:

HAHAHAHA, Almond milkers, take that!

“I have nipples, Greg. Can you milk me?!?”


Easy solution - take you coffee black, as it should be.


I’ve done my time with that. It was in the military, when the least offensive option was to just drink the horrendous coffee completely black.

It takes time to shift to that though and the older I get the less I’m inclined to switch again. I like flavored coffee, unfortunately.


Simple solution: Use ice cream.


I didn’t think of that. I’m not sure what I have in the freezer, but probably would have gladly used near freezer burned crap before using the almond-it-just-isn’t-good-milk.


If you have no aversion to being in the non-health/non-organic category, why not just go with flavored Coffeemate or some other brand of shelf-stable creamer, like this:

That way, you can pay Amazon at instead of their Whole Foods operation!


I am a black coffee kinda of man but man… haagen daaz vanilla + espresso are a heavenly combo… Either a dash of ice cream into espresso or viceversa.

I hate coffee ice cream too, it never tastes good.


I like that idea. That would make an excellent back up to when we run out of the refrigerated variety.

Thanks for that link, man!


Honestly, if changing the labeling away from being able to call it milk isn’t due directly to lobbying from the National Dairy Council (the same ones that put milk on the food pyramid, IIRC), then I’d be very surprised.


Can we stop calling stuff tea when it has no actual tea then? I always get confused and have to figure out if it has caffeine or not.


Yeah I dunno why that is now something they are jumping on. I mean, soy milk has been out a while, so has non-dairy creamer, etc. I just thought it was funny that I was ranting about it, then saw the news story.


So you mean that herbal teas aren’t tea?

Ah, you mean anything that doesn’t contain the tea plant. Nevermind.



Jasmine tea is actual tea flavored with jasmine.

Chamomile tea does not contain any actual tea. The problem is the word tea conflated to mean any hot beverage with plant matter in it.

edit: you know what HEY this explains why starbucks had to call it a Chai Tea Latte. To make sure you know, it’s TEA TEA, not just tea. But actual tea. with tea. No, starbucks still dumb.


I’m almost positive it’s because of them or some similar group. I saw a news story about people complaining about it some months ago. Thank God this country can get important crises solved in a timely manner.


Yeah, I was just considering that. I think using some definitions of tea, coffee would be tea.

And that cannot stand.


Holy shit. Wait.

So this also?



I’d limit it to things you brew, and I’m not sure you can say making soup is brewing.


What about vegan witches’s cauldronic brew? So no eye of newt or spider legs.


You mean like @krayzkrok keeps regaling us with stories of?