Let’s talk about Whole Foods for a sec before I get to my point. The one near me happens to be the one actual grocer on my direct route home. It replaced a beloved local chain that was low cost (and low choice) that had fallen off in business, so when it was put in, the astronomical cost of going to Whole Foods for anything more than an item or two put me off using them. They do have some nice products, don’t get me wrong. But one of the things I detest is that it’s not just the organic and natural things they push. It’s the near complete negation of any large brand or branded products, and the exclusion of things that are commonly needed, but, you know, not in organic world, apparently. Sure, I could go elsewhere, but that’s 20-30 minutes of traffic on a good day, and I’m in a rush to get home because the commute was overly long anyway.
Which leads me to coffee creamer. My girlfriend LOVES flavored coffee creamers. Yes, they have added sugars. Yes, they will probably kill us. Who the fuck cares, it’s for coffee, and when you need it and you’re out, you hunt that stuff down, ASAP.
But not at Whole Foods. Oh no, they know better, for us. We don’t need that stuff. What we apparently need is almond milk that’s flavored. Or perhaps coconut milk that is flavored. I mean, sure, they have half-and-half and cream. But if you want flavors, nope. If you want flavored non-dairy creamer, nope.
So to end my rant, this shit annoys the hell out of me.
This was my least evil option from whole foods. It pours out viscous, the consistency of oil going into a car. But it’s tinged brown, looking like the chocolate milk of your youth, but one that’s gone bad and started getting clotted. It smells vaguely … flavored. It tastes of, vaguely sweet, and oh so vaguely cream-like. You end up pouring more in, especially because it doesn’t fucking cream your goddamned coffee. But that just cranks up the vague flavor to 11, meaning, not really sweet and not really what you’re looking for. So then you add a fucking packet of Splenda to get it where you need it. But it’s still not creamy. So then you break open the half-and-half you hopefully have to get it where it needs to be, hoping your half-and-half hasn’t gone bad because you haven’t used it in forever.
Fuck. This.
I’m drinking crappy coffee this morning and I’m angry and sick of almond crap passed as milk. If you have dietary needs to have to use it, more power to you, but I’m out.
EDIT:
And then I check the news online this morning and see this:
HAHAHAHA, Almond milkers, take that!
“I have nipples, Greg. Can you milk me?!?”
