These are awesome.
http://www.sexinchrist.com/threesome.html
My apologies if this was posted previously, I used forum search but wasn’t exactly sure what to search for, I mean “Fisting and God’s Will”? ;)
EDIT - I should mention, NO PICS, only text, so should be semi-work-safe other than the obvious mature themes.
Oh my God (pun intended), look at this gem:
Second, for a young woman who has never engaged in sexual intercourse, having anal sex allows her to preserve her virginity (i.e., maintain an intact hymen) until marriage. There is no greater gift that a bride can give than to offer her pure, unsullied maidenhead to her husband on their wedding night.
That site rocks! Let’s make goofy rationalizations, to keep the pretext of following something we claim is important for us, while actually getting what we want.
I particularly like this one:
To summarize, we feel a Christian threesome is morally acceptable if it meets these conditions: It must be composed of one man and two women, all of whom recognize and maintain proper sex roles for men and women in and out of the bedroom.
Gee, we have somehow come out of this allowing threesomes, but only if they fit the standard male fantasy of getting to bang other women without the fear of having some other dude plowing your wife. Amazing that the Bible allows that so specifically based on our strained reading, good for us!
I have personally known multiple devout catholics who have followed this suggestion.
Oh hell yeah, it gets even better:
Getting ejaculate on oneself or one’s clothing results in uncleanness that requires extensive reparations and atonement. Obviously one simple way to prevent the spillage of semen is to have your partner perform fellatio and swallow the emission. In fact, in light of these scriptures, performing fellatio to completion and then spitting out the resulting emission seems almost unthinkable.
My word, it appears that the Bible insists that women swallow!
However, it’s important to note that these passages say nothing about masturbation being sinful – simply that you must ritually cleanse yourself after ejaculating. So keep some tissues, paper towels, or wet wipes handy when you masturbate.
Awesome. KFC wetwipes - apparently now equivalent to holy water and sanctified cloth.
It’s spilling your seed on the ground that’s the problem. Spilling it on the back of some chick’s tongue is totally cool.
Some of the best lays of my yoot were Catholic chicks.
Oh my.
What an amazing example of twisting the evidence around to support a preconceived conclusion.
Page one of the Catholic handbook: “Stick it in her pooper!”
Seriously, that’s some pretty funny stuff, right there. Hooray for pure, unsullied anal sex queens!
Wow, do you guys really not recognize satire? I mean, c’mon:
This is complete blasphemy. You must take this down. To suggest that the Lord Jesus Christ propositioned a woman for a blowjob is preposterous. You are sinning against God by twisting the words of His son. You need to take this down, for your own good.
– We did not mean to suggest that Jesus was propositioning the woman at the well or asked her to give him a blowjob. Of course not! Jesus would never do that. In fact, he refuses to give her the “living water” himself. When she asks him to give her the living water (semen), Christ tells the woman to get her husband. This is so he (Christ) could instruct her on how to give a blowjob to her husband and receive the living water from her husband. Thank you for your concern, and we hope this clarifies matters.
Ooh, new at the bottom of the page: Fisting and God’s Will!
That page is an awesomely-researched piece of satire.
May well be. Sadly, I read an article recently that was about a Pentecostal preacher who was doing the exact same thing; explaining how oral sex, etc. was okay under the Bible.
My actual thought was that if it was not a real site by loony Christians, then it was likely a subversive attempt by some anti-Christian who is sitting back smiling at the thought of good Bible thumpers heading down the old dirt highway because the Bible said it is okay.
I’ve heard of this site and I assure all those that thought this was “real” that it is indeed a piece of satire.
There’s no question that it expertly mimics some of the tortured logic that my fellows believers have used sometimes, and of course there are some people that have come up with some crazy rationalizations for sinful behavior, but this particular sight is a fake.
Personally if I’m’a pop a devout Bible chick’s cherry, I’m’a wanna pop ALL of 'em. Not just the one in front down below. Fuck, God, I’m the husband here, I should get the virgin action in ALL AVAILABLE DIVINELY GIFTED ORIFICES.
If you don’t want it so bad that you can’t wait until you’re married then you don’t want it bad enough. Virginity is a birth defect, give freely to stamp it out.
The thing* about religion is that it’s very difficult for satire to tread ground not covered by the real thing. This is a blessing for satirists, because they don’t have to worry about plausibility, but it’s also a curse, because the people they’re satirizing are already satirizing themselves. Everyone fancies himself a comedian…
*Well, a thing.
Why did Christ die on the cross?
He forgot his safe word.