What An Opsis Looks Like: Skyscraper!

Since Skype is now an abomination that makes Windows 8 look like poetry and likely made listening to this onerous, and also because process is occasionally interesting (or maybe not), I thought I’d post what an opsis looks like when I “write” it:

Skyscrape-sis

Warning: I watched the following motion picture in English but it didn’t help.

The Rock’s barbecuing some human feet (ironically), but uses too much butane and blows his foot off and gets ketchup on his face.

As they wheel Dwayne into an operating room, Neve Campbell, who’s left acting to amputate feet, is all, “You’re gonna be okay,” and puts a mask on to keep out his stink, which is even worse now that he’s burnt.

Meanwhile, a Newscaster’s all: “And in White Man news, Japan’s Building 2.0 is done. It has a giant baseball on top with CG in it and also uses these spirally helix outdoor wind turbines to create air conditioning for the lobby.

“A bellhop told us that the lobby itself will be completed in 2099. We’ll be right back after this commercial break.”

[cue banjos]

Gogg: “Hi yall! It’s me, Walton Goggins, the assistant fry cook here at Goggins’ Tacos, where we got all kindsa succulent fixins straight from the top o’ the border wall.

“You and your kids may know me best as Shane the grenade enthusiast from The Shield but NOTHIN’ can shield your taste buds from flavor like the lettuce and parsley in these carnitas rancheros. Mm mm, Goggins!

“Or maybe you enjoyed mah dusty hijinx as Dr. Crazytooth from this spring’s box office smash Tomb Raider, starring Oscar winner Alicia Vikander. The Tomei of 2018! But take a good vikander at the marisa tomei-toes on these eggplant tostada boats and YOU’LL be the one sayin, ‘Where’s the baby?’

“Even Predators turn visible for Two Dollar Tuesdays here at Goggins Tacos. Or just pay 12 for the Hateful 8 taco special. I guarantee your stomach’ll ACHE full 8 hours or your napkins back!

“We got all your favorite style taco stuffins from green beans to ground tarragon, meat loaf, peyote, broiled tarragon, caged children, Funyuns, half and half, piccolo petes, veal cutlets, Fun Dip, space age polymers, sawdust, blood puddin, reddi whip, thumbtacks, loaded dice, spotted dick, haggis, headcheese, vermicious knids, wasabi, ectoplasm, shrimp spam shrimp shrimp shrimp shrimp spam and shrimp, water moccasins, Jean Nate, sangria, gespaccio, focaccia, fellatio, chlamydia, Ralph Macchio, midichlorians, vermicelli, ochre jelly, sprigs of basted squig, rat marrow, stained glass, and of course my homemade special sauce.

“Ya’ll want THAT recipe, yall gonna hafta give ole Grandma Goggins a kick in the cooch.

[chews, crunches]

“Hoo-ey, now that’s what I call a panini. [spits it out, coughs, asks for water, spits water, christ]

“Just park in the intersection, scream, “Hey! Walton! Fuck you!” in the faces of the first random 27 people you see, and you’ll get a free pinata, along with one o’ mah teeth and this complimentary coaster shaped like a shield. Now that’s what I call…justified.

“Goggins Tacos! Just remember double G, like the letter on the health code sticker in the window. Cuz if it aint a goggins, it ain’t no taco, son!”

Warning: do not use Shield coaster as a shield or coaster.

Meanwhile, in his apartment, Dwayne puts his foot on.

He’s married to Neve now, so I guess it’s the next day. They both live in Japan. Her new job is doing nothing.

He’s all, “Hey, Neve. I’m having trouble tying this tie with my metal foot.”

She smiles affectionately and pulls the tie out of his ear. Through the other ear.

She’s all, “Come here, ya fuckin idiot.”

He takes the tie back and goes, “Wait, is THIS right?”

Neve: “No honey. Over your eyes is called a ‘blindfold.’ By the way, my first name is short for Never Johnson.”

He’s all, “Sorry, were you talking just now? I was thinking about a turtle riding a skateboard.”

She’s all, “Speaking of which, my phone’s broken again.” She steps on her phone with a crunch. Then hands it to him.

He’s all, “Uh, yeah. Like I said sixty times, you have to turn it ON. See, where it says Power? And here where it says On?”

She’s all, “I want YOU to do it.”

He chuckles dumbly: “You’re the best. And I thought Ally Sheedy was mannish.”

He slaps her butt and goes, “That phone’s not the only thing you can’t turn on.”

He tramples his kids on his way to the door, then grins at them and goes, “Time for our adorable daily ritual: which of you does Daddy love best?”

Since they all hate each other, they all say themselves, except for Dwayne Jr. who has self-esteem issues and picks the foot.

Dwayne’s all, “You’re ALL wrong. The trick answer is daddy loves NONE of you. You’ll be punished tonight for guessing wrong as usual.”

Dwayne’s friend Gary comes over, hands the kids some condoms, and goes, “This’ll get you in to see the pandas later.” He chuckles lewdly.

Dwayne and his friend go to the skyscraper. They ride on an elevator for 10 minutes of screen time.

Eventually, the friend’s all, “So how about that WAR we were in? WHICH one was it?”

The Elevator’s all: “[mechanical, halting] You are now on floor…something. Get out.”

The friend’s all, “Hey check THIS shit.”

He goes over and touches a unicorn statue’s head with his hand to unlock a secret room. He’s all: “[disgusted] Yeah, my wife wanted to just get a KNOB. So now we’re divorced.”

A Chinaman’s all (bai): “Mr. Johnson! Very nice to meet you, Foot Man.”

Dwayne: “Uh, sorry, I don’t understand racist Chinese.”

The Asian guy grins at his Russian friend, “He’s as good as you said, Craig.

“Mr. Johnston, this is my Russian lover Chapstick Craig Jones-ovsky. And this is a black extra.”

The black guy’s all, “Your work in Pain and Gain changed my life. Acting isn’t the word.”

Dwayne puts on some nerd glasses, takes them off again, unscrews a clipboard from his foot, and goes, “Based on my elevator ride, I can say this is the safest CG building in Japan. Except for maybe Fort Knox.”

The Chinese guy’s all, “If we hurry, there’s still time.”

He makes Dwayne join him inside the giant baseball. They stare at sky CG for a bit.

Dwayne sniffs and goes, “I just farted. At least, I HOPE that’s all I did.”

The Asian guy’s all, “Welcome to Heaven, Mr. Johnston. By the way, I’m actually standing over there.”

He points at himself.

Dwayne’s all, “That’s incredible. Real people. But…how?”

The Asian guy’s all: “MY baseball CG is done with mirrors. Based entirely on my saying that, you now know enough to do it yourself later in the film.”

Dwayne gets bored so he hobbles out of his job interview, comes back, gets his foot, hobbles out again, and rides a ferry to someplace with Gary.

Dwayne’s all, “By the way, I haven’t touched a gun in 10 years.”

Gary does a spit take: “Oh my god, WHY not? Are you insane?”

Dwayne’s all: “I put my SWORD down. So it seemed dumb to keep wearing JUST the gun.

“I’ll TELL ya though. If not for my Misery fetish, I’d never have met Whatsherface or her weird kids. Misplacing my foot while barbecuing was the smartest thing I’ve ever done. I mean, if I still had both of my two original feet, I’d be as shitty as…”

He looks pityingly at Gary’s feet and shakes his head.

Gary’s all, “(bitter) Just like me. Yeah yeah, MY date with Jennifer Love Hewitt was a disaster. Rub it in.”

Dwayne’s all, “Hey is there sky CG in ALL baseballs? That would explain why so many baseball teams are named after birds.”

Gary doesn’t answer, so Dwayne walks into a dark room. Suddenly some guys walk in and fistfight with him.

Dwayne gets some dirt on his metal foot.

Gary walks in and goes, “Fuck, you’re still alive. Shit. This ruins everything. I mean…yay Dwayne.”

Dwayne’s all, “Good thing I put my phone in my metal foot today. For luck.”

Gary’s all, “You own a PHONE? Fuck. That ruins my entire terrorist – I mean I hate your wife – I mean kill you – I mean fuckin Dwayne - Uh.” He goes into a bathroom, gets out HIS phone, dials a number, and starts crying in Japanese.

Dwayne hears him but he’s too busy picking all the refrigerator magnets from his foot to care.

Back in the TITLE skyscraper, some guys wearing shirts with the word SIREN misspelled on them knock on Neve’s door.

One’s all, “Mrs. Campbell? Just a precaution. We need you and your kids to let us shoot these bullets in your head. And also these ball gags and handcuffs.”

She’s all, “I don’t normally do those without my husband. But okay. You DID misspell Siren on your shirts.”

They finally put a ball gag in her mouth.

Beside me, Denise Richards is all, “THAT takes me back.”

Meanwhile, in Dwayne’s room, his friend’s all, “By the way, I’m a traitor.”

He starts trying to stab, shoot, and kick Dwayne but misses and accidentally stabs, shoots, and kicks himself because Dwayne holds up an egg slicer.

A spot of blood appears in Gary’s chest from the kick.

Dwayne’s all, “Gary no. You’re still my favorite brother.”

Gary: “For the last time we’re not related. Fuckin idiot. By the way, I only meant to kill YOU, not your wife and kids. Sorry about that. But I’m not really sorry.”

Dwayne looks up and stares at us, his lip quivering anxiously.

Meanwhile, the Russian guy and his friends pour some sand on a floor.

One’s all, “Fuck, this is a lot of sand. Maybe we should evacuate?”

The Russian’s all, “[Russian] In our moment of triumph?”

Suddenly the baseball gets too hot from the moonlight so the skyscraper catches fire.

The Russian guy’s friend’s all, “Damn. Now I guess we need MORE sand, huh.”

The Russian guy’s all, “Don’t worry, the WHOLE building’s not on fire. Just the floor WE’RE on.”

Meanwhile, some guys shoot at Dwayne and I think a chick tases him. The exit sign was showing a bit of thigh.

The Russian guy smirks at some smoke on his monitor screen and goes, “Heh heh. That’s what I call a 6.5 billion dollar chimney.”

His friend’s all, “6.5? [whistles] That’s some monitor screen. Mine only cost six point ONE and it’s a CRT.”

Meanwhile, Dwayne runs outside the skyscraper crying and spraying his metal foot with a fire extinguisher.

Some cops are all, “You’re under arrest for emerging from a burning building.”

Someone points and goes, “Hey look, Dwayne’s wife and kids are in a different burning building. Or maybe the same one.”

Dwayne’s all, “Officers, please. Let me do some CG jumps. I already lost a FOOT named Neve. I can’t go through that again.”

They’re all, “No.”

Dwayne tricks them by running off giggling.

The cop rolls his eyes and goes, “What’s that idiot doing?”

Bonne Bedelia’s all, “His job.”

The cop’s all, “His job’s running away? They hiring?”

Meanwhile, Dwayne somehow climbs a building.

He also turns on a windmeel to fan the flames so that the fire spreads faster.

Then he gets in a cockpit and wrestles with a crane winch app while some cops stare at him with a helicopter.

Some more cops try to reach Dwayne on foot.

One’s all, “Dammit. This buzz saw’s not fitting into the keyhole.”

Dwayne tricks them all by running away again and then jumping onto another building that’s on fire. Or maybe it’s the same one.

The crowd below gasps and screams and looks on worriedly.

An Asian woman puts her hand over her mouth and goes: “Oh, God. I sure hope that criminal the cops just said started that fire doesn’t FALL.”

Meanwhile, Neve and the dumb kids wander around in some dark and there’s a machine gun fight on a helipad.

Some stuff blows up, so characters run offscreen.

In a headset room [Aussie]: “Sir! Neve Campbell’s character is still alive and so are those interchangeable kid extras who look nothing like her or Dwayne!”

The Russian’s all, “Damn! Who knew blowing up a ninety story building couldn’t be stretched out to ninety minutes of story?”

Dwayne goes into a bathroom, grunting. He pulls some glass out of his shoulder that I guess he got from trying to drink orange juice at breakfast with his foot and forgot about till now.

Then he tries to drink some bourbon he’s had all this time but accidentally spills some on his wound. He cries out in irritation, then drops the bottle. It breaks.

Heroic music plays while he staples his foot back on and gets out a tape measure.

Back in the Russian’s question room: “[Russian] What happened to you?”

Henchman: “[generic foreign] I have putting ehh gun to Ally Sheedy her head. And my arm, it around her neck. And then she stab me in my leg with paper clip. Now my tax forms not collated – “

Russian: “Dammit! I thought I was in summer blockbuster called Russian Character’s Arson Triumph.”

Other henchman: “[Aussie] Don’t worry, boss! I got Dwayne cornered up HERE! See? The only countermeasure he could really employ is to throw me off this cat – WAAAAAAA!!!”

Later, by a waterfall…

Kid: “Daddy, look! I climbed up to the top of this waterfall! Guess how much of this is my pee! [mouth-fart]”

Dwayne: “Dammit. Knew we should’ve stopped at two. Okay, Neve, you crawl up this ladder-bridge and get, uh?“

Neve: “Connor!”

Dwayne: “Right. You get, uh…”

Neve: “Connor! Wait, I’M rescuing her? What’re YOU gonna do?”

Dwayne: “Hold this ladder-bridge steady. It’s hard work. Especially if I choose to use my foot.”

Later, in an elevator…

Dwayne: “Okay, kids. Act two’s kinda draggin’, so Daddy’s gonna hit this DESCEND OUT OF CONTROL button. Right before we hit the bottom, I’m going to stop it with the power of my mind. And maybe by using my metal foot as a brake. We’ll see how the mind part goes first. Ready?”

Neve’s all, “Wait, what?”

One of the kids is all: “I’m scared. At how dumb you are.”

Dwayne’s all: “It’s okay. To be dumb you have to be scared.”

Neve’s all, “Wait, what?”

Later…

Dwayne: “There, see? TOLD you we were still alive. Hooray for Daddy!”

Russian: “Well well, Mr. Johnston. As we say in Russia, so we meet again. Eh, we need you to open a door for us. I left my keys on top of waterfall.”

Dwayne: “Okay, hang on. Lemme try knocking on it with my foot. Ow!!!”

Russian: “Maybe try using your METAL foot.”

Dwayne: “Hey, I don’t come to your work. Except for today. Bro, I’m telling you THESE DOORS CAN’T BE OPENED. It’s physically impossible.”

Russian: “Your family is your weakness. And also your foot. Is another weakness. And your acting range. Very fell, if you don’t open door, ve throw kid character off roof.”

Dwayne: “Noooo. Uh, which kid? Cuz just between us, Connor? [fart]”

Dwayne gets bored, walks behind the problem door, and watches some news.

Then he’s all, “Okay, Gary…Where’d you hide the OPEN DOOR button?” He thinks, then snaps his fingers and shakes his head fondly at them. “Behind the CG.”

Outside…

Neve: “Officer, my name is Neve Campbell. The bad guys were just talking about throwing my daughter off the roof, so I bailed. Also, the main kidnapper character? He had an accent.”

The cop’s all, “Oh, then it can only be THIS guy.” He holds up a photo. “Krinch Yonnevich. Or whatever Kelly said earlier. Yeah. We don’t have any plans for dealing with the situation. Shouldn’t I be Japanese? WHERE is this? I mean, Dwayne Johnson is clearly behind all this illegality. Forget everything I said a second ago.”

Meanwhile, Dwayne ties a rope to his penis while music plays.

Dwayne’s all, “This is for you, Gary. My brother.”

While action music plays, he climbs down a rope and jumps through some CG-shaped chopper things by counting to two.

Outside, the crowd watches anxiously, uncertain Johnson can remember both numbers in the proper order.

The Asian woman again covers her mouth with her hand, this time to stifle a yawn.

Neve hits the cop on the shoulder and goes: “C’mon, dude! Does THAT look like someone with a PLAN to you?”

Back in the building, Dwayne kisses his foot.

He’s all, “At last we’re alone.”

A Gunman’s all: “[Aussie} Don’t move.”

Dwayne’s all: “You’re standing too close to me.”

Aussie: “Why would you say something to WARN me like that? That’s almost as dumb as me not reacting WAAAAA!!!”

Dwayne’s daughter’s all, “Hey, Dad. I guess I escaped. Also, I sumthin sumthin’d the tracking software. But the Russian guy whatever [fart].”

He grins dumbly: “Got any duct tape?”

I walk into the lobby, wait in a long line at the concession stand, finally get to the front, and ask the guy behind the counter, “Hey, WHAT movie am I watching in there? Ant-Man still?”

He’s all, “Skyscraper.”

I thank him and return to my seat.

On the movie screen, the Russian is chuckling and raising a gun at Dwayne.

Russian: “Vell, vell, Mr. Johnston. I guess you and your family have learned vhat it means to cross skyscrapers viz Krinch Yonnevich and his ethnically diverse vertical arsonist friends, eh?

“Tell Neve Campbell I said Scream franchise getting little long in tooth. Speaking of vhich, why no sequel to Tooth Fairy? You should make 20 for children, zen 32 more for adults. Zen all false ones for old man to put in glass of water at night.”

Dwayne’s all, “One thing you should know first. I’m behind you.”

The Russian turns around, doesn’t see Dwayne CG behind him, and leaps screaming to his death.

Outside, the crowd stares as Dwayne walks out of the still very slowly burning building.

A guy points and goes, “It’s that guy whose activities for the last 2 hours we know nothing about!”

Everybody claps.

A cop snaps cuffs on a terrorist corpse and goes, “You’re under arrest for falling.”

The crowd cheers.

The cop walks up to Dwayne and goes, “You’re NOT under arrest, whatEVER you’ve done.”

The cops all cheer and shoot their guns.

A helicopter lands.

The crowd cheers again.

Then cheers separately for each of the dead bodies lying around of the guys they’ve been watching all fall from fighting Dwayne’s foot.

Neve walks up to Dwayne, reluctantly kisses him, and goes, “Never mind me or the kids, what’re YOU gonna do now?”

He tries to think of a final line, then just grins at us.

She’s all, “You need a shower.”

Dwayne laughs at her feminine priorities.

Some words tell me who did the CG for Goggins.

The end.

I believe it’s technically piracy to copy and paste a full movie script like this.

Since having actually seen the movie usually enhances the Opsis experience even more, i will hold off on listening to this one. But i just want to take this opportunity to thank you for the work you put into these week in and week out - your Opsiseses have consistently brought me joy and i relisten to older ones more often than i care to admit.

I have watched quite a few crappy movies for the sole reason of getting maximumg enjoyment out of the Opsis. And when a movie is truly terrible, like Batman v Superman, i will actually pause the movie occasionally to play parts of the Opsis.

Good point. This really is the shooting script, isn’t it.

I don’t believe that you only make fart noises when the script says [fart], @Kelly_Wand.

I’m very happy to read that @BellaConfusione. Now I know I’m not the only one who relistens to opsis. Multiple times.

I don’t believe that you only make fart noises when the script says [fart]

Our listeners demand and deserve authenticity. That’s why I mastered all the accents too.

Thanks for all the kind words! Every week I feel burned out and that no one’s listening anyway, plus the jokes are dumb and endlessly esoteric. Then I see a movie like Skyscraper and it’s not like I have a choice.

Do you rehearse at all before you go live?

Just curious if the voices are already locked in your mind or do you test them out beforehand.

We are listening! Half the time when you make an esoteric joke and I don’t get it, I still laugh, infected by Tom and Dingus’s laughter. It’s so weird that I laugh when all I know is that the joke is evidently funny but nothing beyond that. A trust thing, I guess?

Sometimes in my head I imagine myself writing an opsis. It’s never funny. Yours are funny in almost every sentence.

Despite the caveat of me being German I’d still say that I have non-shitty taste in humour and your stuff is genuinely funny. It can be esoteric at times but that’s why I like it so much, and also why I can never explain to my girlfriend what it is that is making me giggle.

If you haven’t relocated yet and ever make it down to Cologne i’ll gladly buy you a beer or twenty.

This needs to become a regular feature. And then a book.

Yes! Agreed 100%. Then someone can do the annotated Kellywand.

I wonder how much it would cost to have someone mock up a website for Goggins’ Tacos?

hm, so you don’t make this up live on the show as you go, huh?

A sight to behold! The Goggins interlude nearly brought a tear to my eye.

Incredible effort you put in every week. Sheesh. FWIW, it’s a highlight of every Monday (or Tuesday).

I don’t know how you ‘collect’ this out of context. Ever read ‘Devil Thumbs a Ride’? I always think of that book, and somehow finding a way to adapt your opsis’s into something similar.

I’m in.

I wish.

I’m listening! Also, I seem to enjoy them just fine even if I haven’t seen the movie (often because of all the jokes about other movies actors have been in, running gags, @ChristienMurawski standing up and pumping his fist, and general humor). And dear lord I have no plans to go see Skyscraper.

This does remind me I have less than a week to think of some stupid ghost tricks.

THAT NEVER HAPPENED! Grrrrrrrr.

-xtien

“Perhaps you too should learn to govern your emotions, Doctor.”

You know what Skyscrapers often have in them? Mice!

Harrison Ford would have obviously been better cast in DJ’s role here, and I am sure everyone will agree.