What type of LAN gamer are you?


And before you comment, remember: it’s not cool to make fun of Erik’s colostomy bag.

Mr. Forgetful. Last time I forgot my power strip and network cables. The time before, a cd-binder full of games.

It looks like I’m a combo of peg-leg, sailor with tourettes, mr. angry and AWPenis Licker.

I always AWPed, I couldn’t help it, you know, it’s a sickness. Actually I always snipe, have been since QWTF.

I just wanted to take this opportunity to say that every time I see your name, I’m grossed out. Do you know what’s in those things?

Invisible man, at the last not one, not two, but THREE LANs.

Why? Fortunately, not any stubbornness. We were all given little photocopies of the settings, with a specific IP address per person.

Of course, there’s always that pair or two of jackasses who decides that their IP should be Of course, I always have to end up being the next on the router so the router BillGateMagically configures things so he and his “l33t 69 crew” buddy is connected, but I’m not. After spending 3 hours re-installing everything the first time, I asked first thing the second time. Of course the 69ers were “Nobody has my IP, I’m 69.” The 3rd time it happened I demanded up front to know who the 69 crew were, and when three of them yelled at me to check my settings because it’s not them, I busted out laughing. I really, really figure it’s my NIC that somehow disagrees with 69s and the router we used.

Otherwise, the Sailor with Tourettes is a dead ringer for me, except I don’t swear the whole time. Just when I die badly (which I admit is a very broad term). Throw in a little Mr. Gay and CPL God, and those are my experiences at LAN parties. (note about the CPL God: I’m not nearly good enough to compete in anything. I just happen to be better than anyone else at the LAN, which sadly isn’t that great.)

You’re better than the disabled players, you mean.

I just wanted to take this opportunity to say that every time I see your name, I’m grossed out. Do you know what’s in those things?[/quote]

:P Yup. Only time I’ve had one was after an all night drinking binge as a cousin gave me a tour of various bars, strip joints, and other hot spots in and around Manila in the Philippines. Great night. Bad snack.

Of course. I thrashed them. After beating the paraplegic 100-0 in Quake, I jumped out of my seat, did a lewd victory dance in his face and yelled for all the crowd to hear: IN YOUR FACE, wheelie! You might be symbiotically attached to a computer, but I’ve got the mad skillz at this party!

I’m telling ya man, I was getting free beers and easy sex at the bars for months after that. The women really respect a guy who doesn’t hold anything back, especially against those Darwinian oversights. As far as geek chicks go, that’s the ultimate panty-dropper.

He probably preferred that to a condescending lecture about “life is tuff, get over it.”

He probably preferred that to a condescending lecture about “life is tuff, get over it.”[/quote]

Oh come on, don’t be a chickenshit. Put your name on your comment, or are you afraid of being recognized as late to the party and bringing the worst joke?

i am in a wheelchair and am afraid of being beaten by you.

People actually go to LAN parties?

At our fortnightly LANs I’m the exot. “C’mon guys, let’s play Warrior Kings!” 1 hour to install, 2 failed connections later I’m not very popular. I download mods which seem cool but noone gives a rats arse. sigh.

No Jason, don’t worry it’s just an urban legend. This one got started back in oh… odd '95, when anti-geekism was dying down and owning a computer was no longer paramount to having TWO pocket protectors.

Of course, the urban legend is just the current manifestation of the LAN party story. At first, it was a scare story, the kind the Church perpetuates in the form of a book called “the Bible”. “Don’t masturbate, or you’ll go blind!” (Jezefullofitaiah, 7:15) Except this one was aimed directly at parents, started by Big Sports (an unofficial trust of the Big Three: Nike, Reebok and Adidas.) It started back around '81, when gaming was really becoming popular and seen as a threat to sports. At the time, of course, there were no LAN parties per se, but kids did lug around the 200lb, 20" TVs they had to their friends places, where they could play Atari 2600 games together.

Since geeks had not yet taken over gaming, the line was: “Is your boy sitting side-by-side with another boy, each ‘playing games’? What does that spell for his future? What kind of ‘games’ are they playing in such close physical contact to each other, but without any apparent violence like football or rugby? Fathers, do you want the family name to die with your generation? Mothers, do you want grandchildren?”

Geeks soon took their natural place atop the gaming hierarchy, adding another layer of threat to the future of jocks - that the jocks may become geeks with prolonged contact to them. As time passed the story evolved from having 200lb TVs to 50lb monitors, and little boys playing side-by-side to being young teenage males “playing with each other” in dark basements rather than groping themselves out on the football field like real men.

For a time, the hype died down as Big Sports realized that geeks would never use their products, but the campaign was re-initialized as computer games became cool with the advent of Doom. Jock fathers were again subjected to mental images of their strapping young sons working out their homosexual tendencies through football, wrestling and showering in the gym later, to indulging those tendencies in dark basements with nerds and worse - becoming infected with geekism!

In fact, if it wasn’t for your predecessors Jason, (who I hear die untimely deaths from a genetic condition where there their hearts spill a pint of blood into the world every single hour) Big Sports might have won against the little guy. Fortunately the threat to ruin Big Sports by extending the Sherman Anti-Trust Act, was enough to call off the campaign. Still, memories lingered. Now it’s no longer a scare tactic, but an April Fool’s joke or campfire story.

“Hey, I have a great idea!”


“Lets go to an enclosed, kinda-dark area with a bunch of complete strangers and play games with them!”

“At the arcade?”

“Oh no, this is like an arcade, except your bring you own machine, and you play PC games.”

“Can’t you already do that on the internet?”

“This is different! You’re cutting 150 ms off your ping times!”

You forgot partaking of liquid courage, watching TV, eating food, bullshitting… and general socializing.

For a die-hard liberal, you have extremely outdated and closed-minded views of what a LAN party is. Or wait, am I confused - maybe it’s part and parcel of being liberal? :P

Anyway, Jason, no matter how much we might flame each other, never leave this forum. You’re a 8) guy!

But…it’s with strangers. Smelly strangers.

Like the bus, subway or an airplane, am I correct?

Gotta agree about public LANs- I went to one, looked around and thought ‘My God, these guys are living stereotypes’. Hygiene was a non-issue for most of them.

AWPenis and Mr. Small Bladder. Too many dick jokes in there for me…