What's in the letter?

Via FARK:

So, let’s have guesses, please.

Its a recipe for baked Jew with a light fluffy American crust.

It’s a photo of Ahmadinejad in a canoe holding up an eight pound perch. As Bush diverts intelligence resources to prove that the photo is a fake, Iran’s nuclear program will move forward unhindered.

In all seriousness, it’s probably just a letter directly to Bush that says “let us develop nuclear energy for peaceful purposes,” possibly with a side of “normalize relations plz.”

If Ahmadinejad has been hiding his secret diplomatic skill all this time, it might be “we’ll stop our nuclear program if you normalize relations and unfreeze our assets.”

Alternately, it might be “we’ll stop our nuclear program when we get a localized version of Ouendan.”

OK, here’s what I’ve come up with.

The letter will begin by saying there’s nothing to fight over, and move on to talking about how important the oil relationship is and how it should be smooth. It will go on to talk about how Iran wants to be able to trust us so they can help in Iraq. It will then express sadness at our one-sided Israeli policy, and propose 4-party talks to reach a settlement. Finally it will close by talking about faith and how important it is to govern as you feel God requires, and how he hopes there can be dialog in the future so we can more smoothly implement God’s will.

“Do you like me [ ]yes [ ]no”

Ahmadinejad is trying to leave the country and needs Bush’s help retrieving $50 million. He has several Nigerian allies but…

His water bill for April. The guys at Tehran Utility Works are about to be very confused.

Anthrax!

Did you read the FARK headline or do you have the same brain?

Just how big is this letter?

Because if it’s a small box, I think the answer is Gwyneth Paltrow’s head.

I don’t know if Ahmadinejad reads these forums, but if he does…

DON’T GIVE UP YOUR NUCLEAR PROGRAM! You’re going to need those to deter invasion. You won’t just be protecting Iran, but also other countries in your bloc. There won’t be another Iraq when you’ve got nukes pointed at Israel/Europe/darewesayitAmerica. (They probably won’t be long-range enough for America, though. Sorry to get your hopes up.) Sure, you’ve said some nice things about the Palestinians in the past, but I know you probably wouldn’t mind killing them all to make a point.

We may not agree on everything, dude, but drop by my house sometime and we’ll eat pizza and listen to Slayer. Then we’ll go best-two-of-three in Guilty Gear and I’ll show you the suburbia level in Psychonauts. Then we’ll hit Best Buy and get a webcam. I’ll go on AIM and link everybody I know to our live feed, and then we’ll throw the horns and I’ll scream, “I’m chillin’ with the President of Iran! Yeeargh!” We will be Best Friends Forever.

But if your country doesn’t have nukes, the CIA will almost certainly assassinate you before you can even get to my state. And my state is COASTAL.

Well, there are now some excerpts available. Some gems, too.

"Why is it that any technological and scientific achievement reached in the Middle East region is translated into and portrayed as a threat to the Zionist regime?

He can’t even bring himself to use the hated name, but why presume a threat?

We believe a return to the teachings of the divine prophets is the only road leading to salvation. I have been told that Your Excellence follows the teachings of Jesus (Peace be upon Him) and believes in the divine promise of the rule of the righteous on Earth. Will you not accept this invitation? That is, a genuine return to the teachings of prophets, to monotheism and justice, to preserve human dignity and obedience to the Almighty and His prophets?

I called this one solid, I think, but it’s the only piece I got right. No mention of oil at all, and no desire to help stabilize Iraq.

Those with insight can already hear the sounds of the shattering and fall of the ideology and thoughts of the liberal democratic systems.

Sounds like something someone bitter about Diebold would say.

Those excerpts are spectacular. All of Mad Man Mahmoud’s greatest hits are in there.

  1. Holocaust denial.

  2. Threats to the existence of Israel.

  3. Jihadist threats to the survival of the West.

  4. A demand that the West accept Islam (that’s what the “divine prophets” paragraph means, because Muhammad was the final prophet – can’t follow that line without accepting his primacy, so the “Hey, we like Jesus, too!” crap is a lie).

Yeah, this’ll lead to a settlement. Warm up the B-2s.

Come on, Brett. This is a nice boost for claims that Mr. A is a bit funny in the head, but you can snatch defeat from the jaws of victory by overselling it. Seriously, warm up the B-2s? It’s a rambling appeal, not a declaration of war.

Same brain apparently, I don’t go near FARK.

"Why is it that any technological and scientific achievement reached in the Middle East region is translated into and portrayed as a threat to the Zionist regime? "

Yeah, how anyone could interpret intent to harm Israel from his nuclear program and his recent rhetoric surrounding it sure beats the hell out of him.

The NPR person on today made it seem like the whole letter was a standard villain speech.

We’re not so different, you and I. We both won elections, and want to implement global theocracy. Can’t we work together? Don’t you see how you are hurting God?

That’s the crazy part of it, though – this isn’t a “We both love the same God, let’s get along!” letter, as a lot of the dimwitted media will no doubt think. It’s a demand that Bush recognize and adopt Islam, that he reject the Christian notion of Christ being the son of God (note the “prophetS” reference), and that he agree that the West is at a dead end and that Islam is the answer.

This is essentially a note asking us to surrender. And why not? Iran’s been given free rein to do damn near whatever it has wanted in regard to exporting hateful Islamist propaganda and terrorism for almost 30 years now. I just hope enough people finally wake up and realize we have to act, before the mullahs get their nukes.

Also, gotta love Mahmoud’s criticisms of the US for its secret prisons, etc. Coming from the leader of the country that wrote the book on making dissidents disappear, both under the Shah and under the imams, that’s pretty rich.