Why I don't like Colorado

So I went to Colorado on vacation. I don’t like Colorado for several reasons now:

  1. Imaging being way WAY too dry. I can’t image and I won’t imagine.

  2. There are two types of trees. Pine trees and Aspen trees. I come from a state NAMED after its forests. That’s not nearly enough types of trees. We’ve got trees here in PA that you doophuses in CO could only gape at with your mouths open.

  3. Scenery = dull and monotonous.

  4. People = too laid back.

  5. While I was there, a 6 year old kid lost his grip on his dad’s hand, slid down an embankment, fell into a water chute, dropped into a 20 ft deep 42 degree pool and drown/froze to death.

  6. There were exactly 432,231,334 mosquitos all biting me.

  7. The baby didn’t sleep well.


But we had a good time anyway.

I live in the same state you do, and there’s one kind of tree I can think off. Those big green ones. Who cares about trees?

Well tree-huggers for one.

Also, as I’ve recently come out of the closet as a firewoodsexual, my experience is that different types of wood create very different fires in the fireplace. Being a firewoodsexual is all about getting aroused by all kinds of different types of firewood!

Different woods are like different races. Some guys like white women, some guys like black women. Some like asians. Some people like latinas.

Personally, I really like the way apple wood burns really sloooowly.

Anybody else here a firewoodsexual?

My favorite firewood acts:


gathering kindling



sweeping up wood dust

[i]He was born in the summer of his 27th year, coming home to a place he’d never been before.
He left yesterday behind him, you might say he was born again,
you might say he found a key for every door.
When he first came to the mountains, his life was far away on the road and hanging by a song.
But the strings already broken and he doesn’t really care,
it keeps changing fast, and it don’t last for long.

And the Colorado Rocky Mountain high, I’ve seen it raining fire in the sky.
The shadows from the starlight are softer than a lullaby.
Rocky Mountain high, Colorado. Rocky Mountain high.

He climbed cathedral mountains, he saw silver clouds below,
he saw everything as far as you can see.
And they say that he got crazy once and he tried to touch the sun,
and he lost a friend, but kept the memory.
Now he walks in quiet solitude, the forest and the streams, seeking grace in every step he takes.
His sight is turned inside himself, to try and understand
the serenity of a clear blue mountain lake.

And the Colorado Rocky Mountain high, I’ve seen it raining fire in the sky.
You can talk to God and listen to the casual reply.
Rocky Mountain high, Colorado. Rocky Mountain high.

Now his life is full of wonder, but his heart still knows some fear,
of a simple thing he can not comprehend.
Why they try to tear the mountains down to bring in a couple more,
more people, more scars upon the land.

And the Colorado Rocky Mountain high, I’ve seen it raining fire in the sky.
I know he’d be a poor man if he never saw an eagle fly,
Rocky Mountain high, the Colorado Rocky Mountain high, I’ve seen it raining fire in the sky.
Friends around the campfire and everybody’s high
Rocky Mountain high, Colorado. Rocky Mountain high.
Rocky Mountain high, Colorado. Rocky Mountain high.[/i]

We’re like two steps away from Paul Bunyan porn here.

What? I should post the lyrics to “Babe” now?

I’m seriously hoping you cut and pasted this. The thought of anyone typing John Denver lyrics into a post on this board is… disturbing.

You know, I never read the actual lyrics to that crappy song before so I never knew how self righteous and pathetic they were.

I especially love the part where J.D. bitches about how too many people are coming in and “tearing the mountains down” whatever that means.

You see, it’s always the people that come AFTER they arrive that screw things up and ruin it for everybody else. It’s not their fault. They were there first.


I feel like I have to go wash the bullshit out of my eyes. Thanks Bub.

What the fuck is “imaging?”

  1. Imaging being way WAY too dry. I can’t image and I won’t imagine.

  2. There were exactly 432,231,334 mosquitos all biting me.

These two observations are fundamentally incompatible. Were you being bitten by those rare desert mosquitos? Also, lack of humidity is a desirable climate characteristic-- unless you like really hot summers and brutally cold winters. I don’t know, maybe you do, but CO has the best climate I’ve ever experienced.** Virtually every day was sunny, it never really gets that hot or that cold, and you still have distinct seasonality. A great mix. There is the whole “endless summer” climate fanclub (FL/CA), but I’m not a member. I like winter, fall, and spring, too, thanks.

  1. Scenery = dull and monotonous.

Eh? Mountains are usually fairly exciting for most folks.

The main valid complaint about CO is that there isn’t enough water and watersports type activities. Extremely landlocked. Sure, you can whitewater raft and such, but forget about lake activities. Which is also, again, why there aren’t a lot of mosquitos-- but I guess Spoofy set up camp next to the only giant fetid watertub in CO.

wumpus, who lived in Boulder/Denver from 1993-1999.

** unless you live in the mountains at high altitude, then it gets much colder and snows a hell of a lot more. Most of the major cities are not in the mountains per se.

I would love to live in Colorado - most of those complaints seem like utter crap, except maybe for less oxygen and the baby crying, the latter of which may have been cause of you whining a lot about how Colorado sucks.

— Alan

Since I was born in Colorado and have spent a fair amount of my life there, I feel the need to address some of these comments.

  1. “Colorado is too dry”. Depends on where you are, really. The western portion of the state has some barren deserts, and the eastern plains are just like those of Kansas/Iowa/etc–flat, dry, and dull grasslands. However, the mountains can be very wet and lush. I’ve hiked through swamps at 11,500 feet at the base of Mount Bierstadt.

  2. Mosquitos. Again, depends on where you are. Go to the mountains in spring or summer and yes, you’re going to run into some mosquitos. Heck, there’s a pass named “Mosquito Pass” for this very reason. Stay in the plains and deserts, and you won’t. They aren’t any worse than those in the southeast, so I don’t really see this as a big problem even in the mountains.

  3. “The people are too laid back.” This is a problem how?

  4. “Not enough oxygen.” If you’re only there for a short time, yes, that’s a genuine problem. You do adapt, though. Natives and people who’ve been there a few months don’t even notice it. The baby not sleeping well probably tied into this. Insufficient oxygen disrupts sleep.

  5. “Dull and monotonous scenery.” Uh, what??? Okay, on the plains near Limon, I’ll go along with that. But the mountains are anything but dull and monotonous.

While I enjoyed several visits to Pennsylvania, I’d rather live in Colorado.

I don’t like it when people are too laid back.

Also…everywhere I used the words imaging or image I meant imagining or imagine. Sorry.

Also, apparently we were in the middle of some kind of swampy desert because it was hot and dry with a hojillion mosquitos.

So this thread should really be called “Why I don’t like the square mile of Colorado I spent more than an hour in.”

Be sure not to ever, ever visit Santa Cruz, California.

I’m already pre-prejudiced against California. As far as I’m concerned, everybody in California is an illegal alien who surfs to work in Silicon Valley and kills his wife.

I hear bad things about North Dakota! Boooh! North Dakota!

I live in Denver and think the weather is pretty nice. Seriously, where were you pestered by mosquitos? I grew up in the northeast and have often visited the southeast, and the mosquito problems I saw there were FAR worse than here.

The only bug problem I’ve seen here is the brief springtime Miller moth invasion. It only lasts a couple of weeks, but these things get everywhere, and some get pretty damn big. I saw one on the porch this year that had a 6 inch wingspan at rest. They don’t seem to do any harm or get in food or anything, but it kind of freaks me out when I start my car up and a couple flutter out at me from the air vents.

Yes, it’s very, very dry here. I got a few nosebleeds after we moved here (from LA) just from blowing my nose. On the bright side, it does seem to make extreme hot and cold days more tolerable.

I was surprised by how flat Denver is. It’s not in the mountains at all, it’s part of the great plains. Houston is the only flatter place I’ve ever seen.

Hey SpoofyChop, you should have gone to Colorado Springs. The local newspaper is so right-wing that they run editorials arguing that zoning laws are an unconstitutional infringement of property rights. Of course, their right-wing flavor might be too libertarian for your particular tastes. :)

Looks up from sharpening his razor. “Sure. We’d love to have you visit.”