Jaysis. Microsoft gently touched my machine this morning, informing me that Important Updates were happening and that This Will Take A While.
One of those statements was unequivocally correct.
But hey, I finally got to my desktop! Woo!
...and the machine went totally unresponsive after loading an Edge window to tell me about how great it was that we've always been at war with Eastasia. Well, there was a tiny window of responsiveness, sort of, where moving my mouse made "boop" sounds while moving the pointer. That was fun.
Once a blank command shell window opened (machine still unresponsive) I decided to hell with this and restarted. And now things appear to be working?
I was tickled by the big topline "here's what's great about these Important Updates!" and it was three things I couldn't possibly give less of a shit about: some mail program, the Edge browser, and something else I've already forgotten because it will never impact my life.