Worst sex scene ever

OK so uh… I don’t know if this fits in as “best” or “worst,” but Deniro and Thurman in “Mad Dog & Glory.”

It’s kinda both at the same time.

I mean, it’s “best” in that it actually has a point to it that advances our understanding of the characters, and since it is different from most by making an attempt to realistically portray a rather awkward moment…

…on the other hand, Deniro naked having awkward sex is maybe not something you want to see.

For the same reason, I’d point to the fight scene between Deniro and Bill Murray at the end as being awesome, but not in the way most fight scenes are.

Edit: You know, I take it all back… this really is the BEST sex scene ever.

Everything I know about sex scenes, I learned from Goldblum and Thompson in “The Tall Guy.”

I think I may have a faulty memory, but was there a sex scene in Harold and Maude?

I just watched that movie for the first time on saturday night.

Okay, I’d seen it…parts of it, before, since I didn’t have an internet and it was the closest thing to porn I could get, but I never watched it.

Now that I’m not a 13 year old virgin and actually watched the movie, holy fuck (no pun intended), that was awful and I’m pretty sure impossible. If possible it would not be pleasant.

There’s a scene where they’re lying in bed, obviously after the deed, but no actual… uh, action.

dikkidikkidikkidikkidikkidikki

Come on… that was the worst thing evar.

scratch my last contender. how about the two rats in the drug kingpin’s mansion in bad boyz ii?

I know “intentionally disturbing” is not meant to be a contender for this list, but you haven’t lived 'til you’ve watched the opening scene of “Bad Boy Bubby” with your parents in the room - or better yet, your SO’s parents. Fun!

Okay, I just watched this and I call shenanigans, BillD! There is no love scene between Catherine Zeta-Jones and Sean Connery! She kisses on him a little and then he explains something that I couldn’t be bothered to listen to. I think he’s confessing that he can’t get it up or something. It might have been a dead wife or something, but it would have involved paying attention to the dialogue to figure out.

Otherwise, 80% of the movie is the camera just admiring how freakin’ hawt Zeta-Jones is, which I can get just fine from a print ad for Sprint. The other 10% is Connery looking wise. And the last 10% is how cool those towers are in Kuala Lampur. I would say that 10% was my favorite part.

Also, the scene of Zeta-Jones negotiating the laser beam tripwires was one of the most unintentionally hilarious things I’ve seen in a long time. Because the lasers are invisible to the naked eye, she’s basically doing what looks like an interpretive dance without music. It just goes to show that even beautiful people have limits on how much they can do without looking ridiculous.

To make a scene like that work, you have to go overboard, like Vincent Cassal breakdancing through laser beams in Oceans 12.

-Tom

Catherine Zeta Jones has sex with Michael Douglas in real life.

Nothing in a movie is really gonna get much worse than that.

you are dead to me

rends clothing

Watch it yourself if you don’t believe me!

“Extend. Lift. Turn. Up a little more. Now bend the knee.”

-Tom

I saw it in theaters. And I’m more than happy to watch that scene again. :)

Seriously. I’m always up for seeing CZJ bending and stretching, no matter what the context. Honestly, the context is the last thing on my mind. :)

Did anybody notice how that “pressure switch neutralization device” was just oozing in her incriminating DNA? Nice job, master dumbass criminal.

That and the fact that she really had absolutely no grace of movement there at all. That was like the Elaine dancing scene in Seinfeld, only slooooooowlyyyyyyy and with J. Peterman giving creepy direction.

“Now. Little kicks. More elbow. Yes.”

Oh, well. I thought there was a Magic Movie Sex Fade at some point. It was a horrible kiss at any rate. Connery pawing at her with his big, liver-spotted hands. Yuck.

“No! Thatsh’s called entrapment!” Burt Reynolds with a better agent.

Man, I bet they thought that scene was so goddamned cool, too. I’m surprised it didn’t have music, and that the music wasn’t from Enigma.

God what a mess that film was. Ocean’s 13 was a triumph in comparison. Then again, I could watch Don Cheadle do his daredevil speech to Al Pacino all day. “I’m talking about heavy bike, sir! Heavy bike!”

Enemy At the Gates

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJJ3ZEjbo-w

A room full of russians and Rachel Weisz looking like she’s having a seizure.

I kinda like that scene because Weisz decided she was gonna make some serious acting choices–can’t remember if it’s spelled out in the movie, but she’s clearly playing it like a woman losing her virginity. Or, who knows? Maybe the suits decided the film had to have a sex scene, and everyone else (who knew something about what a hellish existence the Russians lived during the battle of Stalingrad) decided to give it to them in the unsexiest manner.

Gotta say, though, Enemy At The Gates does a superb job of squandering amazing material. It’s like the Michael Jordan of material squandering.

Similarly (and I had no luck finding it on Youtube), there’s a sex scene between Teri Polo and Martin Donovan that I liked because Polo makes some interesting choices–like Martin Donovan’s character is surprisingly well-endowed and she likes it. I’m not sure why she made that choice–maybe she was specifically directed to–but I like the idea she made it to justify why her character sticks with Donovan’s when they’re shown, by and large, not getting along.

While I’m hanging out in Movies, I feel obligated given this perfect double lead-in to mention this movie, which I guess is a little obscure. It was fascinating for me because sex scenes have a tendency to take me out of a movie and make me start thinking about the writing/directing/acting rather than accepting the depicted events as themselves. Sex is Comedy pulls the camera all the way back and focuses on the perspective of sex scenes as a challenge to film. A lot of the time, a story in a particular medium that’s specifically about that medium feels self-conscious and contrived – a novel about a novelist, a song about what a great songwriter the songwriter is. That’s not the case here. (I know I’m going to sound like a viral marketer here but) Sex is Comedy feels like a totally natural and honest attempt to show you something far more intimate about movies than what’s underneath people’s clothes.

Anne Parillaud is one of my favorite actresses, a position she could claim on the strength of Nikita alone. Innocent Blood is goofy as hell, but worth seeing. Her role in Sex is Comedy has her keeping most of her clothes on, but she’s so good that you won’t feel cheated in the slightest.

PS - I thought the sex scene in Enemy at the Gates was really good. It wasn’t intended to be a fuck clip – it was a fuck clip FROM STALINGRAD IN THE SIEGE. And that’s the level on which it worked.