Worst thing you'll see in a long long time: 31

For about five minutes, 31 might have you believing it won’t be awful. Richard Brake, an actor with a great face, walks up to the camera. He looks straight at you and delivers a “hey, I’m totally a psycho killer!” monologue. He’s wearing ragged clown make-up. It’s shot as if director Rob Zombie has been watching Fellini. It’s even black-and-white. But then the rest of the movie happens.

This is a companion discussion topic for the original entry at http://www.quartertothree.com/fp/2016/09/20/worst-thing-youll-see-long-long-time-31/

And he ain’t gonna learn if you confuse him with your five-dollar words like “risible.”

I dunno. I’ve seen four Rob Zombie movies so far and although Devil’s Rejects is clearly the best of them, I wouldn’t call any of them bad. Well, maybe House of a Thousand Corpses, but even that has its moments. I certainly liked it better than the obvious inspiration, Texas Chainsaw Massacre. So I’d be happy to see another any time.

I am consistently disappointed in Rob Zombie’s movies. I guess that’s more an indictment of me than it is of him. He’s apparently making the schlock he enjoys, and he still has fans that like it enough to pay for it. I’m the one that goes into them thinking “Maybe this time…”

Rob Zombie and Kevin Smith are very similar in a lot of ways. They both make low-budget movies financed largely through their fans. They both make more from being “personalities” than from actually directing. They both like to give their wives roles they shouldn’t. They both seem relatively happy doing what they do.

I should learn my lesson, but then I see that Rob Zombie’s next directorial work will be on a biopic of Groucho Marx called Raised Eyebrows, and I sigh because I know I’ll foolishly be seeing it.

For the love of God, Rob, stop writing your own dialogue; the neo-grindhouse aesthetic was over like 10 years ago, dude…and please please please hire some real actors.

All in all: