Your Last Meal

You’ve done wrong, you were dumb, you got busted, and now you’re going for a ride in Ol’ Sparky. It’s the end of the road for you, miscreant. But there is one silver lining. You get a last meal.

You can have pretty much anything you want, within reason. You get three courses, an appetizer, an entree and a dessert. Feel free to mix and match as you please. Let’s hear your choices.

Alternatively you can just think of the question in plain old “what would your all-time favorite three-course meal be?” but I like to think this sets the scene a bit better. At least this way you don’t have to worry at all about the health implications of what you’re eating. Go ahead, smother that lobster in that clarified butter sauce!

I was thinking about this the other day. I don’t think I’d be able to eat. It’s a sad thing to think about.

Since I can’t add anything useful, I’ll just say that I don’t understand why lobster and crab is considered gourmet. I mean, I know people like bottom feeders like catfish and sturgeon, but that’s in hillbilly Montana, Wyoming, and DirtySouth. And fish I get. But shellfish? They’re not just bottom-feeders, they’re insects to boot!

Eating crab, lobster, and shrimp is like eating fucking dung beetle. “Can I have me some dung beetle scampi?”
“Very good, sir. Any appetizer?”
“Uh, yep, I’d like me summa that thar dung beetle bisque. I’ll have me a bowl a that.”
“Excellent choice sir, I’ll see if the chef will drizzle it with dung for monsieur’s pleasure.”

I’d go with an appetizer of super-homemade mac and cheese, an entree of a porterhouse steak with fries and a small salad, and for desert, NY style cheesecake with fresh strawberries. To drink, a glass of fresh whole milk.

If dung beetles taste half as good as shellfish, I’ll eat them too.

Gary, Gary…

Did Sparky actually agree to that?

Sorry, subconscious wishful thinking takes control once again…


With a side of breasts.

A pound of laxative chocolate. Haha, in your FACE, correctional system! You’ll never get that smell out of Ol’ Sparky.

Um, a big pile of cheese sticks. And summa those Lindt truffle balls. And a Reuben sandwich piled two inches thick with corned beef. Pretty much anything I could think of that’s really unhealthy and delicious.

Plate of fuzzy lobster things:

I think I’d just order out from The House of Prime Rib here in San Francisco, by far the best restaurant in the universe.

They do an incredible salad with chopped eggs and sliced beets tossed (well, smothered) in this really rich thousand island-style house dressing. Then the big-ass King Henry VIII-cut prime rib, medium rare, with lashings of horseradish. Sides of mashed potatoes and gravy, creamed spinach and yorkshire pudding.

For desert, there’s a massive bread pudding in brandy sauce. After I’m done with all that I don’t think I’d care if I died or not.

Three courses, what is this, 1955? No way. I want the nine course tasting menu from the French Laundry. Whatever Chef Keller believes to be best that fateful day will do just fine.

Yeah, french or italian inspired. At LEAST six courses with a new wine for each.
Whatever the chef reccomends, but some ingredients I’d like to see would be foie gras, white truffles (Italian) and possibly a lobster.

Not eating shellfish would be like not fucking women - I just don’t see how it can be done.

Do they use an actual chef for this stuff, or is it just the head of the cafeteria at the prison? Cause if it’s just a guy who makes gallons of chicken soup for a living, I don’t think I’d want to ruin memories of my favorite foods.

I’d have French Onion soup, Philly Cheesesteak, and Banana Spit.

Also, you realized that any meal you eat could be your last meal. I read in the news about a woman that just died from necrotizing fasciitis three days after bruising her thumb. The thumb swelled up, then her arm swelled up, then they amputated her arm, then they amputated half of her body and she died anyway.

It might vary from prison to prison, but I recall hearing that they were limited to things that could be made on-site with the regular cafeteria staff and materials, or that could be ordered and delivered easily.

Otherwise, I’d request a dodo burger, breaded coelacanth fillets, and an auroch flank steak, and I’m not budging till I get them.

No, not eating shellfish would be like not eating insects that subsist on fish shit, vomit, and carrion.

I just lost my appetite…

Alright, I just read it again.

Filet Mignon and freedom fries with green beans so the whole thing works smoothly for the techs. Dessert is more difficult. Pound cake and ice cream.

Oh Cripes, a man after my heart…and I’m not even Jewish. Do you guys eat spiders?

If I worried about the diets of the animals I ate, I’d probably never eat anything. What a ridiculous way to look at food. Grow up, man. :P