Agreed.
I hope for the best for you Rich. But I don’t imagine it will be easy.
I just can’t get my head around this. I’ve been with her for about half of my life. Thinking about this today. I was around 35 when we got together. I’m 64 now. This is literally the most devastating thing that has ever happened to me. Even moreso than when I was hit by a car and almost died. It is too much to grasp. Too much to understand. The title of the post says it all. Freefall.
Edit: And for the people saying that it will work out. You can handle this. It will get better.
No. I do not think so.
It’s totally normal to feel that way when the bombs are falling and you’re dealing with the destruction. It’s overwhelming. As trite as it sounds, just focus and making it to tomorrow. Then the next day. And the next. One day at a time, my man.
I’m feeling for you, I know you’re going through hell right now. Vent here, vent at me over PM for my cliche advice, whatever you need to do, Rich. I’m so sorry you’re going through this shit.
I wouldn’t give up, dude. Other folks here have related tales of bad things happening with their relationships where they thought everything was over, and then things turned around.
It will get better. Even in the best “happily ever after” marriage in the history of the world, one would miss out on a lot of good stuff.
Nothing is free. Nothing is perfect. When we commit to someone, we renounce a lot of worthy stuff for them.
There is a million good lives we wouldn’t get to live, even if we were living a good one.
Now you get the chance to find out what happens next, on your terms. It might be hard, but can be completely worth it.
What bothers me a lot about what you’ve relayed from her is that she went to the nuclear option right off the bat, wanting you to move out. She played one hell of a hand without anything to tip you off nor trying to work with you at any point along the way. I can very much understand your hurt and confusion.
Nobody here has the answers for you, Rich, only you and your wife do. Is getting a third party involved as counseling too far off the table at this point?
I was supposed to do telehealth with a psychiatrist. But there was a lot of paperwork that I should have in my folder but it isn’t there. Including a phone number and prescription for an antidepressant. I have called yesterday and today. No answer. They are short staffed so I’ll call again tomorrow.
As I said, I’ve seen my share of people feeling and saying the same, here at this very forum. And they’re just fine now.
I know it feels like the end. And it is an end, but not the end.
By all means, do what you can to salvage and reconcile. It is often possible, if delicate. Sometimes attention helps. Sometimes distance and time do the trick. It’s very hard to know, for those within and outside the relationship.
A lesson I learned too late for my last relationship is the “friend” standard. Try to hold your behavior to the standard of “would I feel comfortable acting/speaking with a close friend like this?” Similarly, the same for your partner “would her behavior be acceptable from a close friend?”
In relationships that have suffered a rupture, it’s easy for both parties to fixate on grievances and make arguments that one wouldn’t dare make (or accept) from a close friend. This isn’t an easy standard to follow when emotions are running hot, but it should be an aspiration.
Better than the absolute low you’re in now - certainly.
Better than cherry picking of the best moments in a long relationship - certainly not.
Better on average - it’s a toss up. Life is long, even at 64. But there are no guarantees.
A better way to think about it - there is still plenty of good living ahead of you, even if it is radically different than expected a few weeks ago. That can include both with and without your partner. But again, by all means make an honest attempt at reconciliation.
You need a support system Rich. Friends, family, people you can trust and will have your back. You have us of course but we’re internet people. If you have people IRL reach out to them. Don’t try to go it alone.
And of course us internet people are here too!
Get through each day.
This stuff is different for each of us, but the similar thread for those of us who had a marriage or relationship crater and were surprised is we had to get through each day and at first it seemed nearly impossible. Then at some point the days got more bearable, maybe because we got more used to it. Maybe because of something else.
My only other suggestion is go light on the booze and get more exercise. The latter makes you feel better and burns off some anger and anxiety, while the former makes you prone to doing things you regret.
For what it’s worth, I’ll second this. You come across as a confident, competent, and self-assured person - and whether you believe that to be true right now or not, folks meeting that description can be reluctant to ask for help from friends or professionals. Try to overcome any reluctance or shock-induced procrastination and reach out to someone you can trust to give you unbiased advice.
Good luck to you; what you’re going through sounds terrible.
I’m supposed to have tele-health meetings with a therapist/psychiatrist. I’m also supposed to have a prescription for effexor. I have neither because I didn’t get my paperwork from the hell hole I was in. I got some stuff, just not what I most need. And they didn’t call the script in to my pharmacy. Getting a hold of anyone there is seemingly impossible. I keep calling, they don’t answer.
You are never going to like what happened. But you can carry on and have a decent life for yourself.
I believe that it is unhealthy to define yourself by your relationship with another person, and you cannot have a healthy relationship with another person until you know you can stand on your own no matter what happens. I had my own issues with my wife several years ago, and I was consumed by fear and anxiety until I finally believed that I could manage on my own no matter what. It seems like a contradiction, but knowing that I could manage by myself made me a better partner and a more stable human being.
I encourage you to get to that place, and that perspective, especially before trying to reconcile.
My wife and I separated back in Nov of 1995, we’d been together for 6 years at that point, married for 3. The separation lasted for 8 months as we worked through things. I remember the day I moved out, back into the house I’d grown up in since my mom and step-dad were snowbirds in FL during the winter months. After getting all the packed stuff moved back into my old bedroom, I sat on the couch and the next three hours disappeared. I was in so much shock over how my life had derailed, had so much fear and uncertainty over what the future might bring, I didn’t ‘come to’ for hours and when I did I looked at the kitchen clock and realized it was dark outside, that three hours had passed and to this day that is one of the weirdest moments of my life. I kind of view it has a temporary period of emotional/psych shock that had been creeping up on me in the weeks before, but once the finality of physically separating hit me alone in that house it hit hard.
Fortunately I had a few close friends who checked in on me, lent me their ears to twist and grind on for months. I lost friends during that period too as people demonstrated the extent to which they didn’t value our friendship.
Anyways, what I really wanted to say here is I completely get Rich’s descriptions of what he’s going through. I hope he has some RL support, I’d certainly lend an ear and shoulder if we lived near one another.
I agree with everything you said, however that can be damned difficult when you’ve spent a significant part of your life with that person. And I don’t know of anything that can make it easier. But talking to people can help. Also knowing that you will come through it somehow.
I’ve been through this once in my life. It was 35 years ago, but the memory is vivid. And it felt worse than dying. At least that’s how it seemed at the time. I was physically ill and shaking so bad, I barely made it to work. However, once I was at work and doing something, I did feel quite a bit better, and the shaking and nausea went away.
Hey Rich, that sucks man. Sounds like you both done fucked up to let it come to this. But then, that befits your style as I know you. Big drama, wild story. Most of your stories end with you crawling out the other side alive with some more wrinkles and another tall tale to tell.
Don’t take your solace in a bottle please. Please don’t.
Rich, I’m mostly a lurker, but I’ve enjoyed your posts over the years. I won’t post a wall of text describing my divorce, but I completely understand what you’re going through. My marriage was 27 years old and the divorce was 1.5 years ago. I was devastated like you, and could not see any way that I could possibly continue moving forward with my life. I experienced constant anxiety attacks which required breathing exercises and long walks to (mostly) resolve, late night (sometimes nonsensical) texting/messaging rants and raves to friends and family, and unfortunately, lots of alcoholic binges which I strongly advise against as they always made bad feelings worse. The first few months were the worse, but I can honestly, happily say that I’m now good. I feel better, more confident, healthy, productive and proud of myself than I did when I was married, and look forward to many things in my life again. If that can happen for me, it can happen for anyone. It will happen for you, too. You’re a fun, funny guy and you will be happy again. Hang in there, man. We’re with you.
Rich, your ordeal made me recall what happened with my grandparents. They met and got married in England after the war. They traveled to north america and had three kids. I wouldn’t start learning of them until over 20 years had passed, but I wouldn’t describe their relationship as love, at least not in the romanticized sense: it more was a utilitarian, functional, sort of relationship. But when I was in my 20s, it just seemed to fall apart, and they got divorced after being together for over 40 years.
It was ugly affair that ripped the family apart (which is still torn apart, despite their deaths, now 15 years past), but 5 years or so after they divorced, as my grandfathers health waned, it was discovered he had Alzheimer’s (and likely had it for some time). My grandmother insisted that had she known at the time, she never would have pressed for the divorce, because now his increasingly abusive/hostile behavior had a reason and possible treatment.
I’m not suggesting anyone has Alzheimer’s, or any other form of dementia, in your situation. I am saying though that we’re all susceptible to biological and chemical changes within our bodies, particularly over time, that may influence and corrupt our thought and logic processes. I know you’re likely trying to rationalize betrayal, so please consider that there’s other paths to a change of mindset that aren’t so overt, callous, and malicious.
Be well.
So we went to see what will probably be my new apartment today. It’s fine, for what it is. Internet and cable in a package. Something I have never seen before, it has a garbage valet. When my garbage is full I take it out to a garbage pail outside. And I guess elves or something spirits it away.
I spent several hours yesterday trying to get a human on the phone at the shithole I was in. Today I get a call from the psychiatrist who was supposed to call in a prescription for me. So then I spent what seemed like a hellish time listening to the shit that they have as hold music. Tomorrow. After three. Wonderful. I really need to get stable on effexor before I go anywhere.
As well, I need to get bloodwork to my PCP so he can straighten out my other medications.
The wife and I are civil. In my head I’m screaming and crying. But I have to show her that I’m a stable individual. Even if I don’t feel it. Fake it 'til you make it, right?
In the mornings I fight to stay asleep. But reality kicks my ass and I am up. For better or worse.