It’s not really meant to be funny. It’s a description of a partner who is boring or non-giving in bed. Because they just lie there, doing nothing, seeming uninterested/selfish. You can likely from there figure out why that name got applied to that behavior.
Can just check the urban dictionary. I’m sure it’s a term there.
No, I believe you, I just think it’s disgusting he thought it was funny to have sex with a crying girl who just laid there enduring it.
Sure. If someone is literally crying, it’s time to leave, not go ahead then laugh about it.
This is not how abusive relationships work.
Yes, I am aware of battered spouse syndrome and the like. So again, which consents should we disregard, and when?
I’m sorry, but are you looking for some binary rule here? Once X happens, Y should cease? Obviously, no means no is a good start, but beyond that, we all have to look to our partner for willing and enthusiastic consent, if you don’t want to be a scumbag. I’d say that once you’re aware that your partner is “starfishing” and not at all into it, maybe you should you know not continue?
I guess I’m looking for a point to any of where the thread has gone recently. It just seems to be full of really obvious statements like abuse can be non-physical, and you shouldn’t have sex with crying women. Which kind is like, yeah? Okay? I mean those things are kind of obvious, but don’t really address or relate to the issues raised.
I’m not sure how your bon mot “you have agency or you don’t” fits in to your criticism of the direction of this discussion if you acknowledge that abusive relationships are thing and that dudes shouldn’t be assholes to women. It sounded like you were confused about how a dude could ever recognize willing and enthusiastic consent and might accidentally become an abuser because they innocently misread signals.
We all have to feel our way through relationships, but it seems pretty clear here that this relationship was all kinds of fucked up. If you’re saying she should’ve read the room early and gotten out, then I’d flip that and ask the same of Hardwick.
I genuinely have no idea what you’re trying to get at, @slyfrog. But it sure sounds like victim-blaming, and I think that’s why you’re getting the responses you’re getting.
I think everything except “We believe unquestioningly” is described as victim blaming. So that doesn’t really mean much to me.
Yeah, well, that’s nonsense.
I don’t know, sounds like SlyFrog is saying “women who don’t leave abusive relationships must want them to go on, since they have agency”.
I don’t think he understands what being trapped in an abusive relationship means. Some stay because they have literally nowhere else to go. Some stay because they have emotionally nowhere to go. Some stay because they don’t know why they can’t leave. Some stay because they hope it will get better. Some stay for the children. It’s complicated. People are complicated.
Wow, I get to post this link again, because people are really still arguing this whole agency thing as though it excuses abuse.
http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/why-do-people-stay-in-abusive-relationships/
Which is pretty much the literal definition of victim blaming. Which, you know, has a definition, that is being used advisedly in this thread, and is not what SlyFrog just said it was.
And hey, maybe he’s trying to get at something else, but as I just posted, I have no idea what and a different tack is probably advisable if so.
Yes totally these reasons. Maybe SlyFrog isn’t putting it well but all I am hearing is that “well these women could have chosen anytime to leave”.
I’m pro bono at a legal clinic, and also a former prosecutor and a divorce court judge. These are all painfully real to me.
Given that I’ve represented women pro bono in obtaining restraining orders and divorces due to abuse (including through a women’s poverty law clinic), I have some understanding.
Law fight!
I don’t think you do either. It doesn’t matter what you do professionally. You seem to think that giving this woman something takes away from women everywhere. That’s ridiculous. You can give someone the benefit of the doubt, after decades of women just not being able to really say or do anything while in these situations without whatever cataclysm you think will soon follow.
The number of people who lie about this stuff is very small. It still not some great experience to come out and admit these things.
I have no words.