Fall: movies that should be over in less than a minute

Right? But believe it or not, Fahey is working like gangbusters these days. He has two scenes in Maneater, one shot in a “class room” where he had been giving a lecture about killer sharks, and one on location in Hawaii (?) that looks like it was slapped onto the end of the movie to justify Fahey’s salary. The shark is dead, the aggrieved father who hunted it down is avenged, and instead of the credits rolling, here comes Jeff Fahey for one more scene. “Hey, you avenged your daughter, that’s great,” Fahey says. Then the credits roll. Fahey couldn’t have worked more than three days on that movie. It was basically a paid vacation for him.

And if you look at his IMDB page, you can see he’s been doing five or six such projects a year! Fahey’s probably not going to win any recognition as a serious actor, but he’s got the kind of career any working actor would love to have. I was actually pretty happy to see him in Maneater, even though it was just a paycheck for him and there was no sign of a talented actor on display. It’s like he’s a leading man who’s been put out to pasture and now he’s just relaxing.

Suddenly, I’m interested.

In my book, The Descent was still one of the best horror movies ever made.

Welp @tomchick I found a movie in the stuck-people genre that’s even dumber than Fall or Open Water 2. It’s called S.O.S. Survive or Sacrifice. Have you ever seen a movie that was so dumb that it made you question you’re own intelligence? “This movie can’t be this stupid, right? I must’ve missed something?” But no. You didn’t miss anything. It’s just pure distilled idiocy.

The setup is two gals and two guys get into a hot air balloon and they become stranded in the air and start drifting over the ocean because one of the dudes didn’t tie the guide ropes to the basket. The revelation goes like this:

Dude 1: Shit! The ropes! I told you to tie off the ropes!
Dude 2: I did!
Dude 1: Did you tie them to the basket?
Dude 2: I tied them to the stakes. You didn’t say to tie them to the basket too!

If you expected a sad trombone noise or a fourth-wall breaking look at that point, you’ll be sadly disappointed. The movie thinks this is a seriously tense scene.

There is a nonsense secondary plot that involves one of the girls being William Baldwin’s hotel thief partner and a little sister being shuttled around by police detectives.

Okay, this is a major public service, Telefrog. I had no idea filmmakers had finally tapped into our fear of hot air balloons.

And from that trailer – which is about half-and-half heist/balloon action – it looks like they actually fight a windmill…and the windmill wins! If your goal was to wave me off this movie, you’re going to have to try harder.

My job here is done!

Ha ha ha