Thank you for this picture in particular, Tyler. There is something indescribably beautiful about it, and I totally get why you posted it.
Much love to you and your family. I’m way too emotional to be able to write more right now, but know that you all are in my thoughts as well, and have been for some time.
-Christien
Life is so fucking unfair, at times.
But I am glad you and your/her friends are supporting each other and your kids are strong, that makes such a difference when these things happen. Good to have light to fight off the darkness. And your young daughter is a wise one :)
Amen to that.
I love that picture. Thanks for posting it.
An amazing picture.
Your wife truly sounds like someone who was just as beautiful on the inside as she obviously was on the outside. And that is a rare combination.
I can tell more when I am not so exhausted. It was perfect. I agonized over preparing some memories of her and what she meant to so many people. Then we invited others to come up. Her sister, my sister, my mom, my dad, a couple friends, all came up and told different stories that reflected the light and warmheartedness and positive outlook she brought to so many people.
It was nearly perfect. Then I talked to a shitload of people.
Everything could not have gone better and my kids started school today after having missed three days. The schools could not have been nicer.
Her simply not being in the world every day as she had for me, for 21+ years and her family for 44 years is a weird and unsettling thing. Even when she slept all the time, her presence was in the house and then it is gone. I am sure others have had similar adjustments.
I am definitely going to ramble too much. There was so much to do and I am so tired. I’m close to losing my voice as I have talked to people constantly. I feel my kids and I slowly grieved and said goodbye. Many others were even less prepared than us. I wanted to tell each of those people what they needed. I think I have done the best I can.
The church was full and they had to bring in folding chairs. So many people sent me PMs on Facebook stating they couldn’t be there, maybe knew her a year in college, but remembered the touch she made in their lives.
It was something, but I want to sleep for 5 days and I have to get back to work.
Thanks for asking. I quoted Alan Watts and the Dalai Lama in the Presbyterian service. There were others to do the Bible verses.
This was to illustrate what I believe is the stark difference between true faith and belief. Something Rebecca innately understood and something many never do. Alan Watts from his book The Wisdom of Insecurity
" We must here make a clear distinction between belief and faith, because, in general practice, belief has come to mean a state of mind which is almost the opposite of faith. Belief, as I use the word here, is the insistence that the truth is what one would “lief” or wish it to be. The believer will open his mind to the truth on the condition that it fits in with his preconceived ideas and wishes. Faith, on the other hand, is an unreserved opening of the mind to the truth, whatever it may turn out to be. Faith has no preconceptions; it is a plunge into the unknown. Belief clings, but faith lets go. In this sense of the word, faith is the essential virtue of science, and likewise of any religion that is not self-deception.
[…]
The present phase of human thought and history … almost compels us to face reality with open minds, and you can only know God through an open mind just as you can only see the sky through a clear window. You will not see the sky if you have covered the glass with blue paint.
But “religious” people who resist the scraping of the paint from the glass, who regard the scientific attitude with fear and mistrust, and confuse faith with clinging to certain ideas, are curiously ignorant of laws of the spiritual life which they might find in their own traditional records. A careful study of comparative religion and spiritual philosophy reveals that abandonment of belief, of any clinging to a future life for one’s own, and of any attempt to escape from finitude and mortality, is a regular and normal stage in the way of the spirit. Indeed, this is actually such a “first principle” of the spiritual life that it should have been obvious from the beginning, and it seems, after all, surprising that learned theologians should adopt anything but a cooperative attitude towards the critical philosophy of science."
That’s beautiful, Tyjenks, and we should all be so lucky to have similar eulogies.
Belated thanks for the update. I hope people mostly said appropriate things. People struggle to find the right words in these circumstances and can easily end up saying strange/dumb things in an attempt to sound profound. And that’s at least in part because words are so woefully inadequate to fully voice what’s in the speaker’s heart.
I hope you’ve caught up on your rest. Are you back to work?
@tyjenks that is some deep stuff, but brilliant in that one can understand it and relate. I can see that both you and your wife may have changed some people through this ordeal especially as you so succinctly put things together. In today’s society people don’t always just put faith in God and follow it blindly because they need to be led. They put faith in Rush Limbaugh, Fox News, Breitbart on the same level they would the New Testament. In doing so, they close themselves off to the rest of the world because it would shatter their “faith”.
What you wrote speaks to the heart of the matter and maybe I’m pulling something very different out of it than others would, but that’s the beauty of what you said. You’re an amazing person and like all people on QT3 it is my deepest honor to be your acquaintance, or as I choose to believe of everyone here - my friend. Hugs and take care ok!
Thanks @jpinard that certainly means a lot coming from someone who has had more than their unfair share of difficulties. I love the quote because it makes you examine whatever the hell it is you believe in a different way. No matter your religion or even if you are an atheist. The concept of belief vs. faith as was described in that passage helped to open doors in my mind to ways of looking at things that I would not have before. Alan Watts has done that many times with his writings and lectures. So, getting up and saying that was as much for me as it was for my wife and for all of those attending.
@tylertoo Not caught up on my rest. Still on the sofa bed and need to get her room cleaned out and buy a new bed. I did go back to work last Tuesday, but I am still pretty useless. Luckily I am being allowed some time and my audit schedule allows it.
I realized early last week I had thought about and prepared for so much while she was sick. New test results, new side effects, new medicines, how to tell the kids what to tell the kids all this in preparation for what would at some point be another bad cat scan or MRI result and then her decline and then her death. All that preparing was done with a very nebulous time table. However, even with all the agonizing and uncertainty, it was still something I was doing. The doing of it all was certainly beginning to make me unhinged and, when there is no defined endpoint, each day seems like a part of forever.
Then it is over. While you think about it being over and that, yes, there will be relief, you never think it will actually come and therefore you never give 1/100th of the thought and energy to what to do. So I kind of have stumbled around lost. Not picking up things very much, not asking the kids to do their chores as often, not finishing going through her stuff to clean out the bedroom. Just not doing much of anything. I have been lost/depressed/whatever before, this is certainly somewhat like that, but not only is their large hole in my heart where she was, but it is like there is a gap in my brain activity that used to be filled with a lot of things.
I have been waiting for the other shoe to drop and strengthened my resolve along the way for the next bad thing and that part of my brain is still wanting to do that. When it is not thinking about what could happen next, it’s like it is in idle.
I know this part will take time, but I honestly thought I’d be grieving, angry and sad, but then could pick up on things I knew I would be available to do again. Maybe exercise and do things with the kids. Turns out I don’t want to do much more than go somewhere and drink beer. It can be with people I know or not. I don’t really want to be home and know I shouldn’t just be going out directionless, which is what it feels like.
It is all weird and,yet again, I know millions do it every day in similar or far worse situations. People still want to help. I get several texts a day to that effect opr just checking. I am trying to respond to them all, but the ones that ask a series of 4 or 5 questions to get caught up, usually closer relations, often get skipped for a while. The condolences cards that mostly say some variation of the same thing continue to roll in. I’ll need to send thank you cards for flowers and gifts. My mother-in-law once to stay connected, of course. My mom will want to do more now that my wife is gone and she can get some of my attention which she craves. People have asked if I want company or i want to go to their place with the kids to hang out.
All I want to do is sit at home and be left alone until it all passes. I have managed people’s help and tried to help them in getting through all of this as they all loved my wife dearly and they have all been generous and continue to be so. However, I want it all to be over and they just keep reminding me its not with their texts and calls and cards.
My youngest still crying herself to sleep wanting an explanation and repeating how this isn’t how things should be was what resulted in all of this. She is OK some nights. When she spends the night out, as she has a few times, she is good, but the house still feels like the scene of her mom’s death and that is going to take a lot longer to shake when her room is right next door to what was her mom’s.
You probably know this, but it is far too soon to think you can start getting back on track. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
Here’s the analogy I thought of when our son died: it was the emotional equivalent of a bomb going off right in our house, and although the house was still standing, it was filled with dust and soot and debris that clogged the air and made it difficult to breath. You are still in standing in the midst of that explosion, and it is going to take a very long time for the air to clear so that you can see and breath again. It probably took us about two years for that smoke to clear.
And by ‘clear’ I don’t mean an end to grieving (that does not end, it just changes). By ‘clear’ I only mean a time when a new normal fully sets in, when you can fully function as you move through the days and find times when you actually might think about something else. It won’t happen for a while, and please don’t be hard on yourself expecting it to come soon.
Taking the kids and getting away from the house for a few days might not be a bad idea. That said, here’s another thought based on my experience: when all these people do move on (and they will), when they do stop checking in frequently, you will miss the space they have filled up. The resulting silence may be more of a burden than their calls and messages are now. So as exhausted as you may be from their efforts, try to cherish it while it lasts.
Anyway, enough pontificating. Take everything I just said as one person’s experience with a tragedy, and your mileage may totally vary. But do remember that you have spent months being strong, and it is perfectly acceptable now to be weak.
Thanks for your words. I do appreciate them. The problem we probably all go through to some extent who have been through something like this, is that you feel like all the energy you put into caregiving made you less effective at other parts of your life. Then it is over. So I am ready to make up for that lost time and instead I feel even less capable of getting things done. Everyone is so supportive and understanding, at least in my case, and I keep waiting for it to run out. Especially at work where they have been more than understanding.
I have never been good at giving myself a break. :)
I am taking the kids out of town for Labor Day weekend to do fun stuff. Hopefully that will inch us all towards acceptance and we can stop hearing from people how sorry they are and that they are praying for us.
My youngest keeps saying “Why do people keep saying they are sorry. They didn’t have anything to do with it. It is simply unfair.” I explained what we all know. No one knows what to say so they say stuff they think they are supposed to and that, yes, people should just say “This sucks” and leave it at that. I have even apologized to her that I cannot make her feel better or fix things, but she understands that it is out of my hands. But I am as much at a loss, so I just hug her and say “I know, sweetie” and let her snuggle with me which she wants to do each night now.
Good for you. Thanks for the update.
Hey tyjenks, wondering how you were doing, if you feel like updating the thread. If you don’t well that’s cool too.
Let me tell you, this part is significantly harder than I could have imagined. People who have been caregivers can probably echo these sentiments, but after being in crisis mode and adjusting to every bad event or decline, you completely lose all focus once the person passes away. It is not just a space in your heart that is empty, but there is a space in your brain. Someone like me who analytically and logically prepared for each step and scenario including her death and the service, assumed I would be sad and angry and grieving, but would have expected relief. All of which is true. However I further assumed I could fill, at least the space in my brain, with healthy new habits and a better routine. That is not the case at all.
I realize this is all appropriate to the situation after being married for 21 of 47 years and dating for about 18 months prior, but that understanding makes it even more puzzling as to why I cannot simply acknowledge, adjust and move forward. Some of it is depression, but, unlike previous bouts of it, it is much harder to point to a more specific cause that I can address. My purpose for the last two years if not the last 21 has been taken. I certainly still have my kids and, again, I assumed I would be relieved of some responsibilities and could transfer that energy to them and some self care. Nope.
I have gone out and gotten drunk a couple times in a dangerous fashion and woke up literally sleeping on my concrete driveway. I had kicked off a shoe and had poison ivy the next day. That scared me, but it did not shock me into a change. I literally have no idea how to operate and while there was plenty to be fearful of while she was alive, I am more fearful now.
I never felt exactly like our marriage was 50/50. She went from her parents taking care of her, for the most part, to me doing so. i accepted that and it brought about some friction, but that’s what it was.I took care of a LOT of things and increasingly so as she declined. All the more reason this transition, while exceedingly difficult, should have been more manageable. However, the feelings and state of my brain are pretty much inexplicable.
I recognize that all of this is grief and each person’s experiences with it can be similar, but most are unique in various ways. My therapist said it is almost living through an out of body experience. However, what that phrase meant before versus now are even completely different. It is not like floating outside and observing, it is more like I have separated from myself and I am living a wholly different life and I am looking back at my other self and desperately want to go back. There are no visible obstacles and it seems like I should be able to just stumble back. There is not even any feeling of resistance. Just an inability to move and feeling of being thoroughly lost.
There are still people supporting us in various ways. Plenty offering to hang out or wash clothes or have a beer…and I am grateful. The kids are having ups and downs, but my youngest in her first year of middle school currently has straight As and got a part in the school’s production of Annie. My oldest has A’s and B’s in 11th grade and is also involved in theater and her therapist says she is opening up and is dealing with things in a healthy manner.
I was certain, they would have trouble and I would guide them through as I did when Rebecca was sick. I am barely keeping it together. The house is a wreck and I have no motivation or energy to do much of anything. Work is moderately better as I am not sitting in a client’s office with the pull of something at home. I worry about the youngest and her anxiety, but she is coping for the most part. I am definitely in a state of waiting for the next catastrophic event as I have been conditioned to do so.
So, short answer, not so great. I know “time” is the answer, but that is little solace when you have no idea what the milestones are for that timeline and there is certainly no prescribed end point of 6 months, 12 month, 10 years. That lack of that framework was also what made the move to hospice so difficult. There was no hint of when the end would occur other than the knowledge that there would be one.
So thanks for asking and for everyone’s continued support and concern. I do realize millions deal with this and I am fully capable. I have managed depression and anxiety before and I have tools that will enable me to function. My biggest goal now is to take a step, any step, to inch forward. There is a “young” widowers grief support group I am going to will myself to start next week. I need to to make a move towards some form of exercise. I am trying to re-pick up the habit of meditation. I need to clear out the bedroom so I can get a new bed and get off the sofa/sofa bed I have been on for approaching 11 or so months. Even as I list those minor, seemingly obvious steps, I want to go back to the sofa and sit there all weekend playing a mindless game on my phone. I know I need some of that downtime, but as with everything else, I need a signal or a push to start whatever comes next and I just don’t know what that is.
Thanks for updating us and so sorry you’re going through this!
When my mother died six years ago, the toughest thing for me was the sudden gap, the simple gone-ness of that person from the world. I won’t lie, that’s STILL the toughest thing, but at least I can (with time) remember the good stuff more than the unfairness of her being gone.
I’m sure it’s much harder for you since Rebecca was your spouse.
It’ll get better, but make sure you keep going to therapy and get out and see your friends when possible!
Diego
@Tyjenks -
Thank you for sharing.
Reading this, having gone through some vaguely analogous things…
It’s called depression. It’s called “everything is fucked, and I have held it together as long as I can, but holy hell it’s all still fucked.”
I don’t have a great piece of wisdom to drop or anything, other than just one thing that has helped me out:
Admit that what you’re going through is fucked. Admit that it’s all a nonstop piling-on of horseshit, and it makes you feel terrible, and that your feelings are legitimate.
IDK, man, it’s all hard as hell and there’s nothing any of us can say that will change that. But we can help you have a healthier view of your own self, and goddammit. You’re a good person, and a good husband, and a good father. Don’t forget that.
You’re a good person, and a good husband, and a good father.
It is indeed depression, and its most insidious feature is that it saps your will to do things that can help you out of the situation you find yourself in. Therapy is fine for what it is, but pharmacological intervention might be appropriate. It can turn some of those feelings off.