I had that same thought when I was posting my tale, but posted anyway.
Having reconsidered and being a Man Of Action, I have created a new home for my story and I encourage you to share the epic tale of dive^2 family life there.
Good idea. Sorry to derail things with my mother’s surprise.
I was happy to read something like that here. Any tangent is a welcome one.
I thought her experience was kind of magical too. She’s going through a rough time and this is an added bit surprise. Those are part of her experience too.
Update #1 – my mother has gone through 2 rounds of chemo (every other week) and has had no serious side effects. Her mood is very upbeat. She did, though, suffer a nasty fall while waiting to be driven to the oncologist to have the pump removed, and her face is very black and blue.
Update #2 is about the newly-discovered relative mentioned above. My brother and his family visited her yesterday and he later texted me that she mentioned that this woman who claims a DNA match is going to visit in the spring. My mother is very excited.
Then… she mentioned in passing that she’s giving some money to this woman, who says she needs it for more ancestry research.
Jeezus. My scam alarm bells immediately sounded, as did my brother’s.
To recap: my mother, battling cancer at age 86, has found great joy in the discovery of a first cousin she never knew existed, a woman who called out of the blue after a DNA match, and who coincidentally wants money. Oh, and my mother is on a fixed income with very little savings.
My brother is going to get the woman’s name and do his own research. We’re not sure how much money is being talk about. And I won’t allow this woman to visit without one of us being there.
Am I wrong to be skeptical? This surprise has meant a lot to her at a difficult time.
First off, very happy to hear your mother is being so positive about the situation. I’m no doctor, but it sounds like she is handling the chemo very well so far.
Second, you are not wrong at all. Be very skeptical. Just reading your description of the situation sets off immediate alarm bells in my head. This mystery person wants money now, but won’t visit until spring? I mean God knows weirder things have happened, but no way would I take that at face value.
You are right to be skeptical.
It shouldn’t take much money to prove this. Just ask the woman which DNA service she used (23andme, etc), and submit a sample from your mother. The results can show you any relatives who have also used the service. It costs about $100, and you won’t have to give this woman a penny.
Great idea, thanks. The woman told my mother she used Ancestry.com. Coincidentally, my brother had received an Ancestry.com kit as a gift last year, and had done the test. He told me today that this woman’s name is not on the list of matches that he received.
He also did some google fu on this woman. There is a woman by the same name (a reasonably common name) and address (it’s in a different state), but as far as he can tell, the woman is in her 30s. The caller said she was in her 60s. There is also a woman with the same name in her 50s in that state who showed up on a criminal list, with a conviction for embezzlement.
So all that said, I’m 99.9% sure this is a scam, and my brother, sister and I must now tell my mother. She will be heartbroken. If she dismisses us, we will insist that she do an Ancestry.com test before resuming contact with the woman, as @AWS260 suggested.
I hope there is a particularly special place in hell for those who try to con elderly, sick widows out of their meager savings.
Amen.
Wow I can’t believe someone would run a scam like that. How awful :(
Oh hell no you are not wrong. Who finds their long last family and starts asking for money right away? Even if she is related, that’s not the kind of relation you want around.
There are specific laws for this. Hopefully it never gets that far.
I don’t understand how you think there’s any possibility that this is NOT a scam, or that it requires further investigation? There is no plausible, or even incredible but possible, explanation other than it’s a scam. Tell your mom to cut off contact and move on with more important things.
I don’t want to keep derailing this thread on battling cancer with the side topic of ancestry links and possible scams. I will say that I spoke to my mom this morning and voiced my skepticism, and said it is my job as her son to be skeptical. She said the woman never asked for money, that she (my mom) had voluntarily offered to help with the monthly subscription to Ancestry.com (I guess about $20 a month) and the “cousin” declined the offer. She said the woman has not asked for, nor has she given, any money or personal information. The ‘cousin’ is emailing her the Ancestry results, and she will forward to me.
So, we’ll see. But thanks for everyone’s concern and advice. You guys are great.
No sir, you are great. Wish you a happy new year.
Wow, great story. We learned something similar with my wife’s cancer: consulting with specialists is NEVER a bad idea. You’re going to go over your deductible anyway, so get the best care you can find. Glad it worked out for you.
Glad that you got to see that specialist, @Miguk. Best wishes for decades and decades of clean imaging.
Hey, thanks for asking. I have had a rough few months. Broke it off with the woman I had been seeing about 15 months and that was for the best. I have been depressed and angry in turns. Some related to my wife’s death and some not. My oldest starts college in a couple weeks. My youngest had her second inpatient stay for depression during the past school year. Mostly, I bitch on Facebook. I did that recently and @Roger_Wong recommended publishing my thoughts regarding caregiving and her death on Medium in case others could benefit. I am not a writer, but I did work on it a bit and published it today.
Thank you for sharing. I can only faintly understand what you are going through, but when you want to yell about how much ‘this sucks’, my digital ear is yours.
That was a powerful article on Medium. Thank you for writing that. When people say “I can’t imagine what you went/are going through”, they’d have to be pretty dense if they continue to say that after reading what you write. And quit saying you’re not a writer. You’re a damn fine writer.
I’d like to think that what you and others in this thread have written in the past helps me be a better friend to those who are going through similar circumstances. I can’t recall if it was you or Tom, but I recall someone saying that the best thing you can do is to confront / talk / ask questions about the cancer instead of just sheepishly leaving them alone. I’ve had a few friends who are going through tough times with cancer and when I see them, I don’t shy away from the topic and talk about it, asking questions on what it’s like to have to carry a colostomy bag all the time. I like to think they appreciate it that someone isn’t reaching out with thoughts & prayers, but instead is just being there and talking about things in a direct way.
Your writing helps me understand what others are going through and you don’t hold any punches. Thanks for that.