Damn straight: In both cases a null pointer error can be hard to debug.
You keep using that phrase, I do not think it comes from the poster you think. For reference, I am Houngan, and I likely will go to my grave without ever typing the words “friend zone.”
Rooting for the guy to meet a sweet, pretty… copy editor.
Who did you sub that out to?
Re: the friednzone
I have meet some womens that say that have shared a bed with a friend (no sex involved), but I have never shared a bed with a women that don’t allow for some sex (even saying first: “just sleeping, no sex”).
So that.
Is like the bermudas triangle, you can really get lost in bermudas. Having good maps could help there.
So, if somebody say “I am lost”, and “I am at the bermudas”, he is lost in the bermudas. That thing is possible. Is possible to be friendzoned.
You’re right, I got mixed up. Sorry about that. It’s because you said something very similar to what ElGuapo said after his original post, which was:
“If you suggest something and leave it up to them, you are likely to get forgotten because they have their own agenda, get busy, are distracted, or a million other things.”
Which, again, is perfectly true, but totally at odds with what ElGuapo initially said, and which I was originally reacting to. That initial statement was “Letting a woman pick where you have your first date won’t get you laid.” Which I reiterate is bullshit player talk.
Like said, sometimes ElG is charmingly oblivious to his playerness, but I think he’s right about this one. You’re the one laying down all the d-bag inferences, he just said that
If you let her pick, you are one step closer to the friends zone. You are making her do all the work, being too accomodating, and losing the initiative. Let her pick the 2nd or third date location.
I can see how you would get hung up on the word “let” like it means some sort of superiority thing, but I think he’s using it in a more utilitarian fashion. Of course if she pops up and suggests a place immediately you can agree to go there, the point is that no one wants to be the one to pick the first meeting place and thus be judged, so nut up and do it for her. Take the initiative, she’ll appreciate that you did.
Oh sweet baby Jesus, this is just awful on so many levels. I think QT3 needs to fly a team headed up by El Gaupo out to Seattle immediately for an intervention and social life makeover for this guy. Also, spelling tutor.
I love Teiman so much. I totally get the message he’s trying to get across here, but I have to admit I laughed out loud at both the fried’n’zone and the Bermudas Triangle bits. In fact, I think my new slang term for ladyparts may have to be “Bermudas Triangle”.
So my date was just OK. She was a lot more low key than I expected, possibly to the point where conversation was a bit forced (I’m pretty quiet myself), but I think we got through it alright. I don’t know that we connected well, but it is possible we were both just nervous - I know I was. I asked her if she wanted to get together again sometime and she said ‘sure’, after a slight pause. I would be willing to give it another try - maybe do something more active next time where we can loosen up a bit and not have to sit and force conversation.
The place we went to was really cool. Tiny rustic bar where the walls were covered with paintings and old antiques related to boating. We had the whole upstairs to ourselves, which was small and cozy, in a living room kind of way.
All in all, if nothing else, nice to get out there and get some more dating experience. This date kind of highlighted the fact that my conversational skills still need work. I’ve always struggled when meeting other quiet people, which is unfortunate, because these are the people I can probably relate to the most. I’m much more comfortable around talkative people, who I can simply react to, rather than having to lead a conversation around. I want to improve that about myself. I guess it’s just a matter of getting more comfortable striking up conversations with random people, which I admit is something I don’t do a lot.
When conversation stalls, fall back on tried and true topics like politics and religion. Those are sure fire conversation starters that will have the two of you making out passionately in no time.
What?
OK, I’m kidding obviously. It can be difficult to keep conversation going sometimes, not just on dates but even in social situations where you’re with a mixed group of people and want to keep things moving. I usually try asking about travel, which most people seem to enjoy. You can say “So, have you traveled anywhere interesting lately?” or “What’s your favorite place to go on vacation?”. Alternatively you can lead with your own travel story if you have one. Hobbies and interests are also a good topic, though be careful if you lead on that one as you don’t want to jump out there with “Yeah, I play several hours of Guild Wars 2 every night…”. =) Food is usually another safe topic. “What is your favorite ethnic food?” or “Have you ever tried Indian/Thai/Sri Lanken/etc. before?”. Most people have something they enjoy eating and/or cooking more than most other foods, and it has the bonus of setting up a follow-up date much easier, “Fantastic, we’ll get together for Indian next week!”.
It’s important to be a good listener, but occasionally it helps a lot to also be ready to talk, as when conversation lulls it doesn’t always mean she’s not interested, just that she’s not sure what to say next and would appreciate a little help.
We definitely hit the travel and food conversation points, as those are interests we both share. It’s just, the conversation didn’t flow back and forth as easily as I hoped it would. I don’t have enough experience with this yet to know if that is a result of nerves or lack of chemistry. I have a lot of trouble thinking clearly and expressing myself to the best of my abilities when I’m in the moment like that. I don’t really have a problem asking questions, but when the questions get turned back on me it’s kind of like ‘uhh duhhhh’. I’m generally pretty confident about myself and my interests, but I’m not always good at communicating it on the spot. And being aware of this makes it so much harder to just relax when put in these situations.
It’s been nearly a year since my wife passed and I find myself prowling OK Cupid looking for someone interesting. Now I just have to actually complete a profile and (shudder) start dating.
Unfortunately I really don’t know what typical dude profiles look like since all I’ve seen are potential matches.
I’m in a pretty unusual situation (39 year-old widower with a 7 year old kid). One profile I saw that really impressed me listed out her “negatives” up front (she was a single mom with 4 kids!). In my case that would be very little free time due to working full-time with a kid at home. I’m thinking of going with brutal honesty to weed out anyone not comfortable with my circumstances but I’m little afraid of scaring off any potential matches.
Any tips on filling out the profile?
Now I’m picturing you on your date as John Cleese in the DIRECTV commercials.
“Whaaat?” “Hoooow?” “I’ve already told you!” ;-)
Kidding aside though, what you describe isn’t uncommon at all, and the only “cure” for it is to put yourself in more social situations more often. I think it bodes well that you’re aware that nerves may have played a part for both you and your date, and didn’t automatically assume she was not having a good time. Perhaps she is a lot like you, and has a hard time communicating well with a relative stranger. I’d say it’s a good sign that she agreed to a second date. Wait a bit, think of something more interactive for that date, something that might get the two of you talking naturally, then toss it out there. Hell, she’s probably at work right now worrying about how she appeared on your date, convinced she didn’t talk enough and wondering what you thought of her.
I’m not really able to give good advice on this, so I’m telling you up front I may not know what I’m talking about. My gut tells me it would be OK to mention your situation in your profile. The kid thing probably isn’t a big deal at all in your age group. The fact that your wife has passed (sorry to hear, btw) is a bit trickier. It’s a different kind of baggage than you normally find at your age but I can’t really see it being a deal breaker. It’s something you might want to make known if for nothing else than to avoid potential awkwardness if it slips into the conversation during a date. Just have to be a little careful how you address it.
If you want to see my fairly unspectacular profile, I’m happy to show you if you send me a PM.
Haha. Good reference, great commercial.
Thanks for trying to spin this positively for me. I guess we will just have to wait and see if she really intends to take me up on going out again. I agree with you that experience is the key to feeling more comfortable in these situations, so I’m going to have to just work on it a little harder and find other outlets instead of just a random internet date once in a blue moon (last night was literally a blue moon, as my date pointed out to me).
I was wondering if I should send her a message today on OKC to let her know I had a good time or whatever, or if it would be better to just wait until next week or whatever when I actually think of something specific to do. I’d like to reinforce the positives and maybe let her know that I still would like to get to know her more, while she still has me in mind, but I don’t want to come off as desperate or pathetic.
Exodor -
On the surface, your situation is a lot more common that you might imagine. Being around 40 with one or more kids. And frankly most of the women you’re going to find are single moms / divorced moms with one or more kids of their own. To put it bluntly, the fact that you are a widower and not divorced will probably only work in your favor. One of my little hang ups is thinking about how to explain my separated-soon-to-be-divorced situation; I expect that women will leap to conclusions like I fooled around and she divorced me or crap like that (when nothing could be further from the truth).
I am a big believer in the brutally honest approach and feel like if you’re already thinking about it then you should play it straight like that. Weed out those who are not comfortable with middle-aged men who have children. But I can’t see how disclosing that you are a widower would in any way scare away any potential matches worth the making in the first place. It’s got to sit better in the minds of most women than divorced guy (whether they have gotten divorced themselves or not).
I don’t see how being a widower is awkward, a deal-breaker, or puts you into a different category than, say, being divorced.
Totally antecdotal, but possibly relevant to Exodor:
One of my closest friends is a widower, and from discussions with him it has a mostly positive impact on his interactions with women. That’s weird to say, but I think it stems from women’s instictual empathy for his situation combined with the knowledge that there is no ex-wife lurking out there to potentially make life miserable for the guy and whomever he is with. Plus as Peach pointed out, the woman instantly is reassured that this guy’s previous relationship didn’t end because of infidelity or some other behavior he would want to hide from new potential partners.
I would advise taking the honest approach as well, detailing not only your situation, but also what you’re looking for in someone as a potential relationship.
Score!
Thanks everyone for the reassurances. My only worry is the “are you over it” question - of course I’m not “over it.” It’s not the sort of thing you get over, it’s the sort of thing you deal with and move forward forever changed.
I think I’ll spend time this holiday weekend filling out the profile.
Good luck Exodor, rooting for you :).