It does feel like we’re getting close to bad dates being confused with sexual assault. Dangerous.
I started reading that article and I was just as bewildered as the author. I didn’t even finish it. Millenials will need to sort that out for themselves. There don’t seem to be any guiding principles at work – just layers upon layers of identity politics and biological and social urges – so I wish them luck with that.
Reading that Aziz Ansari account…it really doesn’t seem to fit within the confines of #metoo at all. I mean, if it all went down as described, Aziz certainly acted like an entitled douchebag, the very type of guy he publically mocks in his comedy, so he should be held accountable for not respecting this woman. But on the flip side, she wasn’t working for him, is not in the industry, had no expectations of a working relationship with him of any kind, and was clearly on an actual “date” date, just a man and a woman hoping to build on a flirty connection they made the first time they met.
According to her own story, he never physically threatened her, did not block the exit, was not verbally abusive towards her…his only crime here seems to be that he was viewing the date more like a Tinder hookup and she was looking at it more as a classic first date. That’s a communication problem, and her attempts to communicate to him that she wasn’t going to do the hookup thing seem to have not been getting through. While his failure to acknowledge those communication attempts make him look like a douchebag, her then allowing him to do things to her while also giving in to at least some of his requests send some serious mixed signals. It seems like a much stronger “No!” coupled with “This is not working for me, have a nice life” and walking out the door would have served this woman a lot better than continuing to hope that Ansari would stop trying to initiate sex after her signals were clearly not being received.
#metoo and TimesUp are about protecting women from sexual harassment, exploitation and assault in the workplace and bringing to light the fact that for far too long far too many men have not respected women as equals from Hollywood to Washington to Silicon Valley to Wall Street and in work environments all over the country. The movement is NOT about regretting your actions on a date with a guy who just happened to be semi-famous at the time, even if he was acting like a douchebag. This cheapens the movement and lessens its effect while providing an avenue of attack for people who would like nothing better than to dismiss #metoo and TimesUp as “liberal feminist agenda”.
tl:dr - Aziz acted like a tool, but this doesn’t qualify as #metoo material.
I agree with your assessment of Ansari in this account, but I disagree with the conclusion that it is out of scope of, at least, the greater goals of #metoo. Whether it takes its form as the abuse of women by men in a position of power, or whether it comes out as disrespecting and not listening to cues in a private encounter like the one described between Ansari and “Grace”, the root cause is the same kind of male privilege.
Are the accounts seen from workplaces around the world quantifiably worse? Yes, many if not most of them are. Does that mean we can’t condemn both? Of course not.
There’s no gain, and no reason, in trying to pit them against each other. Instead, see the common denominator and fight that, instead of focusing on particular and specific symptoms.
He released a statement.
“In September of last year, I met a woman at a party. We exchanged numbers. We texted back and forth and eventually went on a date. We went out to dinner, and afterwards we ended up engaging in sexual activity, which by all indications was completely consensual.
The next day, I got a text from her saying that although ‘it may have seemed okay,’ upon further reflection, she felt uncomfortable. It was true that everything did seem okay to me, so when I heard that it was not the case for her, I was surprised and concerned. I took her words to heart and responded privately after taking the time to process what she had said.
I continue to support the movement that is happening in our culture. It is necessary and long overdue.” - Aziz Ansari
Sexual encounters between strangers are complicated and confusing by nature. We see only one side of the story here. All we really know for sure about the interaction is that she expressed to him afterwards that she was uncomfortable about how it went down, and he apologized.
I’m glad I’m not rich and famous and horny.
Wait. I’m glad I’m not rich and famous.
I have some tales to tell about a vile woman I’ve dated, but I wouldn’t dream of bringing them up in a justice-for-society type way. Unless it got me some celebrity interviews!!
This one came off terribly and I don’t think it fits in with or helps this movement. This was a shallow woman who wanted the fame around Anzari and was aggravated when she didn’t get it, so she took it by attacking him with a collaborator on a blog. For his part he revealed that even TV show nice guys want sex and are transparent at suggesting it. She used him, he used her, film at 11.
Now back to your regularly scheduled actual scumbag watch.
This doesn’t invalidate a whole movement, but that article does seem like pretty thin gruel to base a character assassination on.
Nope, not at all. It does provide fuel for the inevitable backlash-to-the-backlash, though.
I think the take home message here is that men should hook up with women, not girls.
You seem to be implying that modern society remembered to teach its boys to become men.
My read was that she was expecting the fairy tale romance. Hot shot actor and she have a matching interest in ancient cameras. Flirty text messaging. She tells all her friends about the upcoming date and they all discuss it.
And then he’s like, “gimme sugar baby.”
Lifelong fantasy ruined.
It’s crass, but it doesn’t seem like anything remotely illegal.
Next up: Eliza Dushku vs stunt guy Joel Kramer.
Jamie Lee Curtis says Dushku told her what happened years ago.
Also, what sort of crazy person starts her attempt at a sexual assault allegation complaining that she was served white wine and would have preferred red?
The whole thing reminds me of the Rolling Stone rape story. I don’t think this is the last we’re going to hear about this woman.
proof that women are angry, temporarily powerful—and very, very dangerous.
I had assumed that, on the basis of intersectionality and all that, they’d stay laser focused on college-educated white men for another few months.
By CAITLIN FLANAGAN
Ugh please no.
I know of this author because I always see her pop up with the classic anti-feminist ‘traditionalist’ take on everything. She makes her living being a rich lady with a full time house staff, gardner, all that, who then scolds and shames other woman for not being virtuous housewives.
But she’s defending a brown person against privileged young white women!
Oh, it’s all so confusing.
An overly entitled idiot.