It came to mind because I jokingly told Kelly Wand she should review Spanglish, a movie for which I have a deep and abiding loathing. And she did it! Ha ha.
For serious, though, has there ever been a worse sex scene in a movie? It helps a little to have some context for the Spanglish scene, but it’s still plenty bad just watching it as a standalone. I’m no authority on sex, but I’m pretty sure most of the things in that scene don’t happen during actual sex.
I have no yewtewb clip, but I submit any sex scene from at least the first 20-30 minutes of Pretty When You Cry, which also happens to be the worst fucking film I’ve ever seen (in part; I shut it the hell off at around the 25 minute mark, give or take). There are at least 2 horrible sex scenes in the the first part of the film, who knows they all sort of ran together in a revolting slurry.
Look man, I used to cut dead motherfuckers up and put them into little baggies and boxes and shit. I could take a body completely apart and put it into a box the size of a small copy machine inside 30 minutes, an hour if you don’t want it dripping, using nothing but a scalpel and a brief interlude with a Sawzall.
But you know, I really have to draw the line at sitting through scene after scene of a guy beating his wife utterly senseless, then chaining her buck naked to a bed and raping her. Imagine someone crossed a Skinemax flick with the scene in Schindler’s List where Ralph Feinnes beats the crap out of that poor Jewish girl and several gallons of fake blood and black and purple makeup and you’re about there. Pretty When You Cry? I mean are you for fucking real? How this filmed had Sam Elliot and Jamie Kennedy (I thought he was a comedian?) in it is beyond me. My penis didn’t speak to me for nearly two weeks after I saw this.
Man, you guys got all dark and scary on me. I’d like to think there’s a difference between a sex scene and a rape scene…
I’d submit that a bad sex scene can’t think it’s a bad sex scene, and it can’t be purposely presenting sex as something dark or evil or disturbing. It should think it’s somehow presenting either a message about the characters, or some sort of eroticism, or simply a little titillation. Eduardo X’s pick for Munich is excellent. Munich didn’t work for me on so many levels, but that sex scene was where the movie completely veered off into Stupid Spielbergland.
I didn’t realize Charmtrap’s linke was from Damage, but that sort of fit with the movie. He was, after all, fucking his son’s girlfriend. So, yeah, painful on a few levels, but pretty appropriate overall.
I remember being inadvertently creeped out watching Donald Sutherland and Julie Christie in Don’t Look Now. I don’t know what was supposed to be going on there, but it looked like some sort of low-budget 70s porn between two underweight people with bad skin. That they were famous actors didn’t help very much.
