I’m going to be refreshing this thread all night. :)
I’m going to be refreshing this thread all night. :)
Late start – we’re walking out the door now! Probably there around 7:15.
IT’S ON BITCHEZ
Now installing drivers! Only the finest in starship engineering for us.
Captain’s Log: Stardate 0xB00BFAC3
The goddamn ship can’t get out of port. Everyone’s PADs are 5 years out of date and fail when they turn on. There’s also something called “drivers”, which no one can set up correctly. Pro tip from the 23rd century: get your shit in order before you ship out!
I wonder if anyone ever accidentally kicked the power cord on their starship console.
Helm, why aren’t we moving? I gave the order.
You broke the champagne over the helm, Captain. Permission to get a mop.
My god, the amateur nature of this is charming. The version number is 1.550000. Yes, it includes 7 significant digits. And THE FONT my eyes.
Ship looks like a bottle opener.
Communications, why did everyone’s PADs just die?
It looks like the 300 year old “Wi-Fi” system died. Switching to ODN.
Hi kids! I have the pleasure of the blogger for the maiden voyage of the U.S.S. Failboat.
Looks like we have a distress call from ds4, some kind of dreadnaught. Sounds nasty. But we have a highly qualified crew and an extremely silver spaceship, so I have a good feeling. We head out at really high speed and approach the big alien ships with alacrity. Still feeling good.
Captain Repo calls for targeting the big ship on the left, so we assume battlestations and shift into higher gear. Weapons guy Tactu apparently needs a frequency before he can fire at an enemy, so we fly in circles or a few minutes.
Oh shit! We are being fired upon! I’m feeling slightly less good now. Then we notice that we have enemies behind us and get our weapons online. We use the tried-and-true Doom strategy of moving in circles to avoid being shot, we maneuver toward the bad guys. And load a torpedo! Words like firing arc are flying around, and suddenly our first opponent is down! As are our forward shields.
And then the second enemy is down, but we still have backwards shields! We call this a success and toast our bad-assness. And head for that first group of bad guys we had almost forgotten about.
Our ship turns like a giant silver brick, but we make an almost graceful turn back around. Engineer Denny suggest diverting power to other systems, warp not seeming to be necessary. Captain Repo decides this is good.
Whoa, the radar is showing six bad guys left. Ouch.
We’re flying slowly at this second group. Maybe diverting power from engines wasn’t the best call - this looks so easy on Star Trek. We may not have skills, but we do have bad accents, and this will have to be enouhg to get us through.
We experience a random power surge and fly right past the enemies. They get a potshot at us, and Mr. Denny tells us our hallways are damaged. This distresses me for some reason. Captain is showing no stress, and is a shining example to us all.
Helmsman McCullough is flying us in patterns that must be confusing to the evil scaly aliens. While we are looping lazily the DS4 suffers a minor misfortune and is completely destroyed. We call this an acceptable loss and warp out to try our luck at DS2. Better luck next time. I have a good feeling about one.
So we finally arrive at DS2 and it’s in very good shape. We get bored looking at it and decide to go help out DS3. Mr. Au tells us that DS3 has shields at 23%. Hm, sounds like we have plenty of time.
We notice also that DS1 is in bad shape, consensus is that it sucks to be them, and we hold course to DS3. We should be singing sailing shanties, I think.
Mr. Denny restores power to weapons, and we prepare to head into battle. DS3 is at 20% shields! Mr. Repo calls for weapons free, and we slowly move into position. I suggest a tune-up when we get through this affair.
Mr. Au notes that the enemy ship declines surrender so we unload everything on it and are victorous! Consensus is that we should dock and look for green slave girls. Having done so, we’re ready to deal with the rest of that armada that has developed a taste for blowing up our space stations.
We move on to DS2 and there’s only a single ship giving it the business. Oh yeah, that bad guy is toast. We move in at EXTREMELY high speed, hit the brakes right in front of it and start firing. What a rush! The ship is destroyed before it knows we’re there.
I have to quote Mr. Tactu, “Torpedo away! Oh shit, that was a nuke.” Well done, I make a mental note to recommend Mr. Tactu for a medal when we get through this.
Having freed DS2 from the tyranny of gooey alien tentacles, we think about moving toward DS1, still under attack by six giant enemy ships. At this point Mr. Tactu gives us the bad news that firing a nuke has jammed one of our torpedo tubes. Mental note, recommend Mr. Tactu for demotion when we get through this.
And so we move towards the large group, our final test for our maiden voyage. Nerves are high as we fire another nuke and we are down to five enemies. More torpedoes fired at the next ship and one of the enemies is surrendering! Word of our badass awesomeness is spreading through the enemy fleet!
Warp goes down momentarily but is shortly restored, and we fly right through the middle of them! They never saw us coming.
We load another nuke and get the news that our second tube is unjammed! Mental note, recommend Mr. Tactu for a good stiff drink after we get through this.
Nuke is fired! Big ass enemy takes the nuke right in the face and keeps coming - we’re nervous and start firing all we’ve got at it. Shields are dropping, and the big ship withdraws. The legend of U.S.S. Failboat is growing, and we move for the final group.
You’re using the atomics?!
Mr. Denny overpowers the weapons and we pretty much take out the shields of the last three ships - we are all over this. We remember that staying perfectly still in front of three big enemies is not good longevity policy and we start flying around again. Fuel, shields and weapons are good. Captain Repo suggests Mr. McCullough pull a tricky manuver - loop around and take them from behind! Our captain is made of the same stuff of Hannibal and Alexander, I tell you.
Captain Repo vacates the chair and suddenly a very small fellow, let’s call him Little Captain Atkin, orders us to fire all torpedoes. We’ve got this in the bag! More flying and shooting and the enemies slowly lose hull strength.
Mr. Au reminds us that one of the space stations are offering us coolant. Awesome! A wonderful gift of gratitude. But we have no time, there are alien asses to be kicked (I think - not sure about the physiology of our foe) and nukes are away! Enemies are taken out and we are victorious!
The Failboat is victorious! We decide we aren’t drunk enough, and decide to bump up the difficulty next time around.