The suggestions others have raised about focusing on what you can control are excellent. Keep in mind that there’s only so much you can do, and if you’re trying your best you can’t blame yourself that life isn’t exactly where you want it right now. Your best is all you can do!
A few years ago I was having a lot of trouble with my relationship with my wife. Many people had suggested couples therapy (including my therapist, who I had just started seeing.). My wife was not into it, so my therapist suggested we go “the long way around.” Really working on yourself and having a better understanding of your lifelong patterns of behavior (and by being aware, it’s easier to take control/change them) can have an effect on your relationship…but it takes time and patience on your part.
No matter where you end up though, mind and body therapy are going to put you in a much better spot to deal with whatever life brings, and they are under your control. Just do the best you can, and try to be patient.
In the mean time, there’s a lot of people in your corner cheering you on!
Mark, nothing you said was remotely insensitive. You’re on the right track, you’re on a good path. Keep at it and give it time. If you don’t absolutely need to be at the house, hit the gym so you’re working on yourself, and she has her space.
Well said, Jeff. You are a good guy, Mark, and I see a lot of you in myself. My wife has had her own issues over the years due to past trauma, and the conflict between doing the right thing and personal well being is real and difficult. Sometimes they line up and sometimes they conflict. Your heart is in the right place. I am always here if ya need someone to talk to via pm. Gym is a great idea too! I need to do that myself! Hang in there!
I asked her, and she just told me she is seeing someone else. She says that because she said she wanted me to move out, and I didn’t, she considers it reasonable to start a new relationship.
We have been married for 10 years, and together for 6 before that. I feel deeply betrayed. She said she doesn’t want a divorce, she wants a separation where I live elsewhere and she figures out what she wants. She doesn’t want to see a marriage therapist, either.
Sounds pretty reasonable to me. I suspect this relationship was something she intended all along and why she wanted you gone.
Mark, she’s given up. This is not on you. Time to put your big boy pants on, snap out of your funk, and fight for your children. Her seeing someone else gives you ammunition. Get yourself a good attorney and let them do the heavy lifting.
In the meantime, keep going to the therapist. They can help establish your fitness as a single parent.
Up all night. I feel like I can’t go on. I just can’t believe it. I loved her so much. She said that because she had told me she wanted to break up, immediately seeing a new man is fine. We’ve been together so long. We have a family. We had so much love. I’m so sorry I hurt her by succumbing to depression. I have been working so hard to make up for my failures. She said I had turned things around 100%, but I didn’t respect her needs by leaving. I couldn’t leave: my parents won’t pay, I have no money, and I’d lose custody of the kids.
Am I crazy? Is it okay, what she’s doing? I’m hurting so much. I feel like I’m losing my mind.
I just want to jump in and say you are NOT crazy. It’s NOT okay what she is doing. I’m sorry to say it, but sounds like a gaslight that she wants you out because you “trigger” her; she wants you out because she wants free access to the other guy.
Stay strong - do not move out of the house. There are infidelity forums you might want to check out. They have their share of nonsense and absolutism, but I think some of the best advice is to stay steady, work on a better you (work out, exercise for stress relief), and consider her to be in a mental fog with respect to the other guy that may or may not break.
Mark, I went through the exact same thing. And like you, I blamed myself.
My ex used the exact same tactics: blaming me for how “sad and miserable” she was feeling. We were living together while separated for one year but once the divorce went through, she desperately tried to get me out.
The whole time I felt hopeless, I didn’t even feel anger right away once I found out about the other guy, I was still blaming myself for things I did in the distant past (married 17 years) or MAY have done.
Anyway, my advice to you is move on. As horrible as you’re feeling now, you will feel so much better once you stop blaming yourself, accept what’s happened and live your life. It won’t be easy, but you will come out of it stronger in the end.
Don’t give any thought to WHY she is with someone else. I did that for a while and all it did was make me feel worse, thinking I wasn’t good enough for her or for anyone. Don’t think that way. Whatever her reasons, don’t blame yourself. People are complicated, as are relationships.
Be there for your kids. Let them see a positive dad. Do things for yourself. You’ve been going to the gym and lost 8 pounds? Fantastic! Keep doing that, only now do it for YOU. Stay healthy. Don’t avoid your hobbies, find new hobbies. Find joy in new things, life isn’t over, think of this as a new beginning.
And do what you have to, move back in with your parents if you have to, just take it one day at a time.
When I am there she is constantly on her phone with her new boyfriend. It is pure agony. I feel like I’m going to throw up when I’m around my kids in my own home.
This is just flat out rude behavior. You are well within your rights to ask her to do that when you’re not around. She’s also digging a very deep hole for herself with regards to divorce proceedings, if it comes to that. You need to look after yourself right now, so make sure you keep record of the various things she’s doing and I recommend you speak with a divorce lawyer soon - at least an initial appt. You don’t want her turning your kids against you but if you let her completely drive the way this unfolds, she’s going to get what she wants. It’s time to look out for your own future here and aggressively hold on to the things that matter most to you, including your own mental health.
Yeah Mark, right now the important thing is for you to only worry about what you can control. Figure out what things are going to be needed long term for your own personal happiness and well being. Things like your relationship with your kids. As @Clay said, don’t let her poison them against you. I don’t know if she has tried to do that, but be mindful.
But things like working out more, finding support for your needs, and laying the groundwork for the future, however that looks, are things you can do. Things like your relationship with your wife are not within your control, and this is not your fault. She has made her choices, and so if reconciliation is not possible that is not on you. Be the best you can, and be there for your kids.
