Our experience with my dad was years before Covid but my mom wanted to get some distance between his actual passing and the memorial service. So we waited three months and then gathered in celebration and remembrance and it was less immediate and raw for my mom. He was cremated so our immediate needs were different in that way. But you might keep in mind the idea of waiting and giving yourselves time to grieve and then plan something safe and outdoors in warm weather if possible.
My grandmother passed away a bit over a week ago, and the current plan is to do basically nothing until next year and then have a memorial/funeral on the 1-year anniversary. Not great, sadly. In this case she was, to be blunt, overdue–complete loss of memory and cognitive function for a while, so I don’t think the passing was as emotionally difficult as it otherwise might have been. But still a shitty situation all around.
The weather here in Michigan is erratic and cold in the fall. It may be too cool and rainy on any given day. I’ll see if the rest of the family can go along with a delayed memorial.
My Dad is a planner, so the funeral home and things of that nature are already pre-planned. If there is a visitation, I believe there is a limit to how many are in at a time. But I worry about how to handle hugging. Whether to discourage it or not. What do you suggest? If I say no hugging, I may look (and feel) like a heartless bastard.
Jeff, I’m so sorry. There’s no way to make losing a parent easier or hurt less. I’m so glad the two of you were so close and have such a strong bond; he knows he has an amazing son.
Just to chime in on the chorus – as a dad, I can tell you he doesn’t feel one moment he spent supporting you was wasted. He might wish for your sake that you hadn’t had to deal with the health issues, but I’m confident he doesn’t regret any of the time he spent helping and caring for you.
On the memorial, we lost my stepmom a bit before Covid, but it was so hard on my dad and sisters that we did a celebration of life a couple of months later, once everything was managed in getting my dad’s life organized. We did a get-together at my Dad’s house, with a FB video where people who couldn’t attend could see the memorial and add their thoughts. Given the current situation, either planning something down the road or setting up something virtual is justified. If it happens later or in a non-traditional way, it’s no slight on your dad – memorials are for the living to process what’s happened.
I would talk to your mom about what she’s comfortable doing. And making sure your mom is set up for emotional and day-to-day support by family and friends is going to be your top priority.
On the hug thing, I think people realize the reality of the situation. I dealt with it at a recent small family gathering by quickly saying “I wish I could hug you right now; I’ll be glad when this is all over and we can.” Nobody was offended and it’s a clear statement that you’re being careful and you have positive intent.
You yourself are very much excused from hugging, hard though that might be. Wear a mask. People who do not understand are assholes who don’t deserve a hug anyway.
When my friend Dave passed away this summer, we had a visitation at the funeral home but only 6-8 people were allowed inside at one time (with masks). Everyone else was out in the parking lot waiting their turn, with social distancing encouraged. In the fall that’s not entirely feasible, but you could have people stay in their cars until there’s room inside. You’d need someone to be the door organizer to limit who goes inside - the funeral home director maybe, or a family friend (I’d do it). Don’t try to take it on yourself.
Or better yet, have the visitation and funeral limited to only family members right now, but tell everyone that you’re planning a celebration of life in the spring. Similar to how Christien’s friends and family did. Then you can keep it small for now, and have a larger gathering when it’s reasonable to be outside.
Thank you all for the suggestions. This helps so much.
I love you guys.
We love you, Jeff. I hope your dad is able to come home and be with you all.
When my FIL died in March (not covid related) we assumed that if we planned something around Labor Day weekend it would be okay. We decided against that and so have yet to do anything in getting the extended family together. We did have a small funeral (8 people counting funeral home staff and a minister) and he is buried.
But getting a bunch of old people together for a celebration of life at this point just didn’t seem like a good idea.
I’m always really slow to respond to this sort of post, because I just don’t know to say. But you know we are here for you, Jeff, when you need to talk or vent. I wish your father all the ease he can have, and the rest of your family peace.
Nothing to add, but thinking of you as you fight through it.
Hi Jeff, I’m sad to hear you’re facing more heartbreak. From everything you’ve shared about your dad here over the years, he sounds like an awesome guy. I’m sure that your love is a comfort to him.
My cousin lost his little boy to a brain tumor this past March. This was after the quarantines and lockdowns had started rolling out. The funeral was at the megachurch my cousin and his wife attends. They were able to provide a video stream of the funeral service. That was hard to watch – the tiny coffin looked so small on the TV we were casting the stream to – but it was better than not being able to attend any sort of service. I got the impression that many of the attending parishioners weren’t sold on the idea of wearing masks anyway, so it was for the best that we didn’t attend. Really, though, those services are for the closest family members, so as long as it was helpful for my cousin and his wife, that’s all that really matters.
I hope next year starts bringing you the good fortune you deserve.
My wife handled her mother’s funeral yesterday, and they did a small virtual meeting and plan to meet and scatter ashes when the pandemic is handled better. She prepped the sort of new traditional slide show with sad music and let people do their speeches the same as you would in a work meeting. The hardest thing was making sure people got the link and the time zone issues between the two places where her mother left her mark.
The only real missing part compared to a real funeral is the part where people can chat/catch up/reminisce.
Jeff – Am I right that your parents are Catholic? Have you talked to their parish’s staff about how they have been handling funeral services and related gatherings? I bet they’ve seen their share of them since the lockdown began, and maybe they can at least pass along what other families have done.
Hang in there.
Hi, Jeff. I’m sorry I don’t really have much for advice for you other than take care of yourself and don’t worry too much about what others’ expectations are. Be safe.
What I really want to say is just that I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Thinking of you and your family. Virtual (the safest most social distancing appropriate kind!) hugs to you from our family.
Sad to hear it Jeff.
Having been close to people who suffer from the same condition you do, I’m pretty confident in saying that your father did not regret the time spent with you. Some people are broken by the pressures of having a child with your condition; others grow from it to show the greatness of human spirit. Your father was clearly of the latter type.
Also, death is hardest for the living. Do not feel sad or guilty for having outlived him. To quote Theoden King: No parent should have to bury their child, and knowing a little of your background, I suspect there must have been many times when he will have justifiably feared having to do exactly that.
Take care of yourself - I am sure that is what he would have wished as well.
Much love, Jeff. Lost my dad five years ago, and I can’t imagine how much more taxing this would be with so much going on right now and under these circumstances. I can only second what the others said: don’t feel guilty, and don’t consider yourself a burden. It seems you got and get to enjoy a good relationship with your parents, and I have no doubt there’s only unconditional love and never a thought or regret along the lines of “oh if only we had it ‘easier’”. Loving parents don’t work that way. And, boy, did they raise a kick-ass kiddo.
P.S.: Fuck this year so much. Pardon my French.
@jpinard Jeff, I just saw the pics your sister posted on Facebook. I’m so glad your Dad is able to be at home with the family, at least. Thinking of you and sending all the positive energy I can during this difficult time. If there’s anything we can do on this end to help, don’t hesitate to let us know.
I don’t have much to add other than I am very sorry. I lost my dad (who raised me as a single parent from when I was aged 9 or so) just over two years ago after a somewhat extended illness and decline, and it was and is utterly heartbreaking. However, it gets a little better with time. I wasn’t able to be with him at the end and that does suck, but I know he knew how much I loved him. I’m sure your dad knows how much you love him, too.
jpinard, I just wanted to say you’re such a great, caring guy. You’re doing all you can. My heart goes out to you, your family and your father during this awful time.