The Unbearable Lightness of Koontz

Everything else
41

Whoa whoa whoa. Before you West Coast people think that there’s some high special drama, I feel I should one up you. You probably didn’t know this, but several weeks ago, we had a Qt3 Midwest gathering.

I wasn’t going to mention anything, mainly out of respect for Nick Walter’s feelings, but Damien Falgoust crashed our gathering at the Chicago Symphony Orchestra on October 8th and went apeshit, turned into a robot, fought God and remade the universe exactly the same to this point but where Nick Walter and I both had micropenis.

Also, I live with my parents, and I have a Juris Doctorate. I rent a place with my fiance in Madison, WI, but I work about an hour and a half away during the week, in my old hometown. I don’t feel bad because I pay enough as my half of the rent in Madison (Which has a yard bigger than my parents’ house, in addition to not being in the middle of nowhere, not having Tivo, etc.) to rent a 3600 square foot McMansion in my town. It does appear to be really lame though. We would have split the difference and lived forty five minutes from each job, but I don’t know how to argue with someone who is crying. (Just kidding, slut.) It’s actually because we would both like to live there.

I can top that still. My brother lives there too. He’s twenty nine. He has an advanced degree, but isn’t in grad school right now, and isn’t working, so he stays home and watches the dog and plays games. Except when my Mom is home, she makes him watch all her gameshows and the Rhinelander local news at noon. (We live three hours from Rhinelander, we don’t know anyone in Rhinelander, and have never been to Rhinelander.)

Had enough? I didn’t think so. My fiance and I make up stories and names for our adorable, optimistic but starcrossed orphan selves. Her orphan name is Pockets. We also have backstories and fake jobs for our dogs, just so that if anyone asks us how or what our dogs are doing, we have in the can snide remarks. The sheepdog works days as a pharmacist at Osco, and the terrier teaches a class on mystical archaeology during the fall and spring, but goes on treasure hunting adventures during the Summer Break. He found the Sankara stones last June, but he lost them when the artifacts burn a hole through his adorably color coordinated little puppy backpack and his little bitty paws couldn’t carry them back to safety. (He still gets a treat for trying.)

So there you have it. My fiance and I plagiarized a made up story about our dog.

42

Man, don’t get my hopes up like that. Micro would be a step up.

Mine’s an innie.

43

Damn you, Falgousto6000!

44

We DIDN’T FUCKING TELL HIM, dumbass. Whoever did is an idiot.

Mike and Bill have said all that needs to be said about this.

45

Oh, he’s banned. He’s so fucking banned that if he ever tries to come back, the server ITSELF will reban him. It doesn’t get much more banned than that.

46

I’d feel worse about it if the entire sordid fucking story wasn’t more or less three pages down in the blog being linked in the first post of this thread. Or if anyone who had told me details about this – you know, the “idiots” who shouldn’t have told me anything (including you, Bill! Or you, Mika Sofaer’s Ex-Girlfriend! And, frankly, three or four others) – had ever let known that this wasn’t being talked about at all to protect the privacy and feelings of those involved. But no one did. If you did? I wouldn’t have even alluded to it as vaguely as I did.

But given a huge volume of people on qt3 have been commenting on Koontz’s blog, given that it came up, given that huge posts are devoted to the girl involved, given that no one ever told me how it was “an outrage to human dignity” or whatever to mention it, and given that my primary purpose was to point out that Koontz is a very sick individual who needs help and isn’t someone merely to be laughed at for fruity pretentiousness, I could care less about having the sheer nerve and gracelessness to reference a real-world event that is written up on Koontz’s blog for the world to see, while not naming the name of the person it involved.

47

Sweet, this thread is about Crypt now.

48

Years ago, before I met the love of my twenties and possibly early to mid thirties, I was in Canada with my friends Nick and P, where P derailed an orgy by coming out of the closet.

Dearest Hotel room full of girls from Michigan State,

Nick and I miss you, we still think about you, sometimes. (Esp. You, Doctor and Lisa.)

Sincerely,

Flowers

49

Just to clarify, this time I’m not the Nick in Flower’s story.

Though I am curious as to whether a jury would really convict a person for murder if they had an abruptly interrupted orgy as a provocation.

50

No shit, Crypt. No shit. That’s your personal coda, isn’t it? Also, for someone claiming to be so intelligent, you’re incredibly fucking stupid.

Nobody told you expressly to be quiet because only an uncaring idiot would feel the urge to blather the whole thing online the nanosecond someone posted something remotely alluding to it, as you did. What a jerkoff.

Whee, now it’s all about you again, Big Guy. You must be so pleased.

51

Fuck. Why didn’t you guys invite me? October 8th at the CSO was the Bayanihan Philippine National Dance Company. Which means I missed hot dancing Philippina’s and a God/robot grudge match.

Assholes.

52

53

Maybe we can have some sort of a narcissism relay. Everyone can be disassembled in the spotlight. Everyone deserves their five posts of fame.

Wait, that’s what the birthday threads are for.

54

Sorry about that, I had a lot of caffeine that morning.

55

Hmm, you were there the first time, I remember because you were pointing out the dancers you had slept with by using your arms in a broad, sweeping motion. Half the audience was your offspring with those fine women, and you sat atop an iron throne shaped like a hawk, twisting to strike at an emerald encrusted snake. But, that was the old universe. I guess Daimyo Falgoust conveniently “forgot” to include that when he remade the world in his image. (Which, for those keeping track, involves petty genitaliation and, apparently, retroactively cockblocking Ed.)

Sorry, the memories from the old universe are somewhat hazy, I guess thats the Ashton Kutcher Movie Effect for you.

56

I find it offense that someone can be crazy on the internet and that it’s not okay to laugh at them.

57

Lightness in the sense of the existential insignificance of events during the course of one life, knowledge of which makes it unbearable? If that was an intentional reference to the novel, it is a little, well, brutal. Especially to a Nietzsche fan.

58

Heavy, man.

59

Why does everyone always say ‘caffeine’ when they mean coffee? It’s like saying ‘female’ when you mean ‘woman’, or ‘human creature’ when you mean ‘cunt’.

Yes deliberate. This thread has spiralled into eerie magnificence.

60

Coke, Jolt, energy drinks, caffeine pills.