I think you forgot A&A, people here do give a shit about you. We care and are trying to understand your pain. Since I got very sick at end of May I’ve been depressed at all the time I lost. We’d been getting so much done on the frop bog canal, I had gotten a bit stronger, then in a flash it was all taken away. Even though it’s been painful and difficult, I’ve been fighting my way back to being able to work on the canal again. Had a good day and my nieces and nephew are spending the night here so we can get lots done tomorrow. This is a big happy day for me after a 6 weeks of misery. I hope you can find something you love that you can share with someone. For us here at QT3 we’d love to see an AAR if you’re into war games… Or really any game. We can share that enjoyment with you and I guarantee it won’t be fake. Wish I could give you a hug,
Fifteen years ago or so, there was a documentary series by Errol Morris on TV that was called “First Person”. One of the subjects of a documentary was an CIA spook who called himself a “Grey Man”. He was the perfect operative because he was totally forgettable. Sometimes I lay in bed and think about that. I think I’m one of those grey men. Ultimately forgettable, and not good enough at anything to make myself useful enough to have a job. I look at the empty pillows next to me and think about the women in my life, all have moved on and found happiness because they left. I live in a home filled with junk I don’t need and can’t afford. I live vicariously through the internet. As my estranged wife put it, I have “imaginary internet friends”. That is, I listen to podcasts of people that share a common interest, occasionally writing to them and occasionally receiving a response. That’s about all I have left now. It gets me through the day at work. I’ve got some podcasts to listen to, “work friends” that occasionally will ask me to get a coffee with them. I feel like I lead a life un-lived…A grey man with a grey life and nothing to show for it.
A&A, we’re not imaginary. Everyone who’s posted here cares and wants to help you get through this.
What you’re going through is horrible. The combination of financial stress, illness, and being alone would overwhelm any one of us.
If the actual support group wasn’t supportive, have you thought about something like tabletop gaming groups? Those are generally some of the nicest, most supportive and diverse nerds of all the nerds I associate with. :)
If you’re in a large enough city that one is offered, take an improv comedy class. Seriously. It’s super fun, does wonders for helping get past that discomfort with talking to people, and it’s all about supporting each other.
The post about the grey man might be the most heart rending post I’ve ever read. It sounds like you need to make some personal connections. Have you thought about some form of Religion? I’m not suggesting any kind, whatever works for you, just something that has some kind of small group that you can attend to get to know people. The other thought is maybe you can volunteer somewhere. You could try an umbrella organization like the united way that could tailor an opportunity to something you could physically do.
I agree, when all else fails, turning to religion gives one hope. And the community of people of faith can be very encouraging to oneself. Most religion also partake in volunteering service, which when you contributed and helped people and made changes to people’s lives, you will naturally feel good about yourself.
A&A, its good you’re reaching out here… and great you tried a support group. As others have said, sticking with this is important, either the same group or a different one.
But I also strongly suggest you seek one-on-one professional counseling. Not a group – one person who can listen, and who has been trained to work with people who are mired in depression.
It ain’t cheap, but some health insurance plans cover it, and some cities/towns have counseling services that are on a sliding scale based on income.
I’m NOT saying support groups have no value. I’m saying the level of the depression that you have brilliantly articulated here strikes me as warranting the sort of individual attention that only one-on-one sessions can provide.
Whatever the cost, I urge you to try that. You have taken some brave steps – posting here, trying a group – so I know you can take one more. Because you deserve it.
A lot of employers offer counseling as part of their wellness program. We had coverage through Magellan that provided up to 10 sessions for a given issue. Worth looking into since the right therapist can really help.
One of the most horrible aspects of chronic depression that I’ve experienced, and see in your writing, is the way it presents such a compelling and dark foundation for the interpretation of everything you experience and everything you feel. It insists, not only on the truth of the individual thoughts you have, “I am a grey man, unworthy of notice”, but on the “fact” of this world-view as the bottom line of your life. When I see any glimmer of hope, I’m quick to squash it, or cast it in doubt, because it doesn’t align with the “truth” – that despair that I know as the ultimate reality.
It has been important to me to remember to dig deeper, to challenge the foundation of the feelings and thoughts that I’m having, to find hope – not just in the day-to-day glimmers, but in the possibility of shifting this insidious paradigm.
In order to do that, I’ve worked with medication, support groups and individual therapists and explored alternative possibilities (such as Trans-Cranial Magnetic Stimulation, Meditation, etc.). Regular exercise has been huge – as has diet. I’ve come to realize that there are really good reasons for adopting the depressive paradigm – that my psyche is protecting itself from what it perceives (wrongly, imho) as greater threats to my well-being and existence. That even the most painful processes of my psyche are working towards my survival is itself a reason for hope.
Listen, as many of these other comments have noted, you are valuable and worthy of love. You are still posting here and responding to people, so, you are working. You are clearly intelligent, articulate and sensitive. If you can keep working, despite the way that you feel, you can make it. When I pull for you, which I do, I’m pulling for me, too.
What is life? What are we supposed to accomplish? It sounds like you have looked upon death’s door and at first you went to the joy in your life - games and perhaps this further withdrew you from the real people in life. I went through something similar but in now way comparable to what you are going through - over 10 years ago, work & games were all I did. Ignoring my wife/kids for over a year I would come home and head to my office, only surfacing for dinner. Fortunately for me, my wife put the hammer down & woke me up.
I now game in moderation and have sought out & found real friends in the real world working with a men’s group called the Knights of Pythias. Similar organizations exist - Elks, Lions, Shriner’s, etc. This really helped me because I connected with other men and our organization is dedicated to improving our community through volunteering and donating $$. Now I have non-work friends and I feel like I’m improving the community I live in. It really helped balance out my life.
A lot of people care for you in this thread, but words are not hugs, they are not smiles, they are not laughter and handshakes that people bring to the equation. It really feels like this is what you need.
Much advice in this thread. I’m glad you tried a support group. A psychologist / therapist is a good listener and I have used them in the past with great results as well. Don’t stop trying to get better!
I think that’s a really important point. What I’ve read of depression, it really messes with people’s ability to see things clearly. People who make huge contributions feel they are worthless, etc. It seems like it is almost impossible for people to make anything like a fair evaluation of their situation when they’ve got depression putting a giant thumb on the scales.
I can’t speak to that feeling from a place of deep personal knowledge, so thanks very much for doing that here.
Hey @axisandallies, I wanna thank you for being so open regarding your struggles. This is never an easy thing to talk about, but you’re doing great in opening up, as others have said.
One thing that struck me about your experience was the…somewhat negative experience in a group setting. I had a similar experience, and eventually sought one one-on-one therapy at a nearby college that had therapists on a sliding scale in terms of how much they asked for per session. A lot of clinics and such have mental health professionals that work on such sliding scales, and it might be a good idea to seek one out (though your insurance might cover mental health if you have insurance). I went through a few therapists until I found one that really clicked with me, and with him, time and hard work, I made some amazing breakthroughs. I know others have recommended this as well, I just wanted to also throw my hat into that particular ring.
Regardless on whether you find a group or an individual therapist that works for you, you should do SOMETHING. Sitting there and wallowing in it only feeds it, and that cycle needs to stop as soon as you’re able. I’ve had a lot of successes in dealing with my own demons, and if you’d like to talk further about it, please don’t hesitate to PM me. Regardless of how grey you feel right now, which is totally a valid feeling given what you’re going through, you don’t have to stay that way.
It’s a tough mental state to break out of yourself. People on the net are not “imaginary friends”: we are real people, and our relationship is no less real just because we have never shaken hands. That’s as absurd as saying people talking on the phone are just yelling into a machine… they are still taking to a real person on the other end. You are clearly articulate and intelligent, but you can’t just think yourself out of this. Here are some suggestions if you want,
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Get yourself out of your own head: get out of your house, get some vigorous exercise, hike 20 miles in a beautiful park, rent a kayak and paddle around a lake for a few hours. And look for new people with some of your shared interests.
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Make time to look after someone else instead of yourself: make a schedule and volunteer to sort cans at a food bank, or work with kids learning to read at a literacy center. Your life can look better when you are not always at the center, especially if you don’t like yourself much sometimes.
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When you get a terminal diagnosis, many people in your life will prematurely terminate their relationship with you. That’s harsh, but they may do it out of a need to look after themselves. Now that you are recovering, you may have to build new social ties and a new life. Don’t just look backwards at who you have lost, keep looking for new people with shared interests and when you meet some stay in touch with them.
Maybe martial arts ? Brazilian jiu jitsu practice is almost always a very open, generous group that welcomes all comers. Its also very physical and i dare say intimate. A great way of reconnecting with people as a species.
I think this is a fantastic idea for anybody. It’s very rewarding to help other people. We all have something to give and there is no shortage of people in strong need of the time and services of volunteers. Volunteering can take many forms, from helping out with a website you like (which I do here) to working at a hospital, food bank, tutoring, or just being a Big Brother and spending time with a kid that needs a role model. Besides, it’s usually fun and you meet a lot of nice people.
I have no idea how to get through depression other than to get through it because so much of life is getting from one day to the next, but I do think forcing yourself to get out in the world can help. Even just going for a walk in an urban setting where you know you will pass people and making yourself greet everyone with a smile and an enthusiastic “Hi, how are you!” could help. If you’re not feeling it, fake it. You get that warm response back and then your response is real.
I’ve spent many years walking by people with a nod, if that. Lately I’ve made an effort to greet them with a big smile and a big hello, and I invariably get a better response. It’s nice to get a big smile sometimes or a comment in return. Even getting someone to look at me and give me a faint smile is better than the two of us passing by one another as if the other was invisible. I may irritate a few but I suspect I delight many more by trying to engage. We’re social creatures. We enjoy being recognized and noticed.
A&A I’m glad you’re still around. It’s sad that you haven’t been able to connect with a group though. But not every group works for every person. So I would encourage you to keep trying… also, one thing you will have to overcome is being the “new guy” - it’s true that a lot of groups develop cliques, but much of that is just based on familiar interaction with others; it’s not (well, usually not) based on actively trying to exclude others (hopefully we stopped doing that in junior high). If you keep attending a group you like, eventually you’ll be one of the “regulars.” I’m sure of it.
I also think interaction with people is good. Heck, at this point you could get a copy of Pokemon Go and try to catch some Pokemons - given the popularity of the game I think the odds are great you’d run into other Pokemon enthusiasts and there’s a shared interest right there!
But seriously, keep fighting the good fight. Hang in there pal.
Nice and succinct. Thanks, @MikeJ.
@axisandallies, please do let us know how you are doing. As partial as internet interaction might be, there is a lot of sympathy and empathy here for you to draw on – and real people on the other end who are invested in you.
Waiting in a doctors office right now. Bad news again. I keep waiting for that ray of sunshine. Well, at least my creditors that are hounding me won’t get paid.
What’s going on, man?
Hope you have found hope. This is an awesome community, join us - stick around and talk about whatever strikes you. Or, as is usual in my case, just smile to yourself and nod.
Edit: ack, I need to learn to read the entire thread before posting!. So sorry to hear you have bad news. Do keep hope though - its essential.