I’m no expert on the matter but I think you two are talking about different things. My understanding of negging is that it’s more active than what you did, and much more unpleasant. Calling a woman ugly, fat, undesirable, whatever. You were just giving off signals of unavailability which, for a certain type of person, probably comes across as a challenge.
Negging also often includes an element of subtlety so it’s not just pure cruelty (though I’ve seen that, too). Backhanded compliments, that kinda thing. “That dress is very thinning; it looks great on you.”
When you’re not actively looking, you’re also likely to be less nervous and more of yourself so that helps as well.
Well, sure. That’s the whole point of the story. The question is why?
Our supposition has long been that she liked the idea of going after a happy married guy rather than an unhappy available guy. Rich’s theory gives an alternate possibility: that I was unconsciously making myself more attractive by not responding to her advances.
If you’re saying that she was simply the type of person more attracted to nerdy guys with unfortunate haircuts rather than to a chisel-featured man driving a '67 Mustang convertible… well, I really wish I had met someone like that some five years earlier. I’m also unclear how a Redskins cheerleader could have had such a fetish and remained unavailable for more than forty-six seconds in a row.
I assure you, I was plenty-nervous talking to this goddess of a woman at the time.
Maybe she really liked dudes who were really good to their friends and could tell what you were doing? :P
Maybe he reeked of sadness and she wasn’t in the mothering mode, so she seemed more interested in the guy who at least was being nice to a friend.
Maybe she wasn’t interested in having a relationship of any kind with either of you, and was just bored on a slow Wednesday night and looking for conversation.
Maybe she just won $1 million and was looking to fulfill a lifelong dream.
Maybe reality isn’t like, real? Ya know?
Yeah that’s a pretty dark view to think a woman only found you attractive because you weren’t available. I mean you have no idea why so why do you think it was some sort of icky reason? I mean you talked to this woman right. Maybe you said something she liked. Was the first words out of your mouth back off I’m taken?
Fair enough. I probably shouldn’t take too much agency out of this woman’s hands.
In our defense:
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This was over two decades ago, so the tale has taken on more “mythic” tones.
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We were both engineers or analysts, so trying to figure out the root causes behind an anomalous event is/was kind of a professional imperative.
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At that point in my life, I was something of an expert in the field of women NOT finding me attractive. Ms. Wisdom’s equally inexplicable behavior aside.
Dating is hard. I’m glad to be well over and done with it.
Absolutely, for both sides.
I don’t think that negging can be unintended. That is just a run of the mill social faux pas.
“Your hair is very pretty for a brunette”
“Goddess of a woman” is a myth, except as a relative term.
There is only excellent use of makeup, and understanding how to dress for maximum effectiveness.
Without all of that, which takes them several hours each day, even most women we can all agree on as being “gorgeous” look remarkably “normal”.
However, I enjoyed your story, and can definitely relate.
My theory: Women don’t tend to respond well to a man feeling down, and will gravitate more toward someone they interpret as being more “well-adjusted”.
While looks do play a factor (depending on the woman, sometimes a disproportionately large factor), I’ve found that most women are happy with a guy that grooms himself to be as presentable as he can, and can carry on an interesting conversation.
Confidence, confidence, confidence. Such a huge factor.
GAF is down again for me…
Still haven’t been oked to post on ResetEra. At this point I guess I shouldn’t expect to be vetted in the affirmative?
I can get to GAF right now with my phone, though seems like fewer and fewer reasons to actually do so these days.
Not sure what the backlog is. I know GAF infamously took months some times to approve. Maybe give it a week and try registering again. They are very pro-Nintendo at the moment so I can’t see them having a problem with ya Dave :p
More , sounds like they are taking a short break from approving accounts.